Tom' Tip Sheet Award Special - The Tippies
Hosted by Tony Gerdeman and Tom Orr
(The A-Team theme song subsides.)
Tom and I would like to welcome all of you to this year’s Tip Sheet Awards, affectionately known as The Tippies.
We had planned to have a celebrity host, but after watching Jimmy Fallon in rehearsal, Tom and I had to pull the plug on that one. Right now Tom’s still busy with Jimmy Fallon’s agent trying to settle up his hosting fee. I’m kind of up here just winging it, so bear with me. I was going to use some of Jimmy’s jokes, but they make about as much sense as ordering a large General Tso’s Chicken at Sears.
Um, I don’t really know when Tom is going to get back, so in order to prep everybody for the evening, there are a few things that you should know.
First, there is a cash bar in the back. Second, it is a CASH bar.
Also, if you see Marcus Vick brandishing any firearms your way, just hand over your children like he asks. We’ll most likely have security get them back for you.
And if Lee Corso tells you that he needs gas money, do not believe him.
I think that’s about it. Any other warnings would be in the program. The emergency exits are located to each side of the auditorium. Without any further babbling, let’s get this show underway!
The first award of the night is for the Disappointment of the Year
The nominees are...
The University of Tennessee
The University of Michigan at Ann Arbor
And the winner is...The University of Tennessee!
Announcer: Due to an outlet mall shopping trip with his wife, Phil Fulmer could not be with us tonight. Accepting on his behalf, via satellite is South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier.
Steve Spurrier: Yeah, ah, it's just a great honor to accept this award on behalf of UT and coach Fulmer. They really tried hard this year, and, yeah, they maybe fell a bit short. But, dang did they try. I'm not exactly sure how well Tennessee did this year, I was too busy going to a bowl game. I'm assuming they did pretty good. (Somebody whispers something to Steve Spurrier from off camera.) No kidding? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Alright. Anyway, on behalf of Vol Nation, Yee Haw!
Tony: Thanks Coach. Our next award is for the Team That Would've Had a Better Season Had They Been Coached by Craig T. Nelson and/or That Guy That Played Dauber Who is Now the Voice of Patrick Starfish.
The nominees are...
And the winner is...Michigan State!
Announcer: The "L" in John L. Smith's name stands for the T. in Craig T. Nelson's name.
John L. Smith: I had my eye on this award all season long, and our coaches almost screwed it up! But they didn't. I couldn't have won this award without them.
(Camera switches to Smith's coaching staff who are placing money on the table, obviously in the midst of an Indian arm wrestling tournament.) I have climbed mountains, scaled buildings, and mastered the ancient art of Texan Calligraphy, but this Tippie is the greatest accomplishment of my life. That is until February 12, 2006 when I head into the bayou on a hunting trip and face the world's most dangerous game - Man.
Tony: Wow. Creepy. Over to you, Tom.
Tom: Next up is The Montgomery Burns Award For Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Excellence. Think of this as sort of a “Participation Ribbon” for lifetime achievement.
The nominees are...
Charlie Whitehurst, Clemson quarterback
Reggie Ball, Georgia Tech quarterback
Reggie McNeal, Texas A&M quarterback
Joel Klatt, Colorado quarterback
And the winner is... Charlie Whitehurst!
Charlie Whitehurst: Wow. What an honor. It’s hard to believe four years of winning stuff like “Preseason All-ACC First Team” and “Postseason All-ACC Honorable Mention” has lead me to this here moment.
I suppose some people might say that going to three career bowl games named for fruit without ever playing in the Orange Bowl is a disappointment. I prefer to think of myself as the king of December.
Thank you so much for this tremendous honor.
(Tommy Bowden claps raucously, no one else makes a sound except for someone coughing in the back of the auditorium)
Tom: Wow. It’s going to be tough to top that, but we’ll try. Our next category is the Best Career Move of the year.
Trev Alberts leaves ESPN.
Laura Quinn hooks up with AJ Hawk.
Lou Holtz to ESPN.
And the winner is... Maurice Clarett.
Announcer: Maurice Clarett could not attend because of conditions of his bail. Accepting on his behalf: ESPN’s Tom Friend.
Tom Friend: It’s great that someone else finally “gets” Maurice like I do. A lot of people would have ridiculed him for listening to a bunch of idiots and hangers-on and blowing his chance at college football immortality in exchange for two full years on the sidelines.
Then they would have made snide comments about how he ran a 7.52 40-yard dash at the combine despite having... like... 20 months straight to train.
Then they would have marveled at his ability to piss away a... what... seventh chance?... during his time with the Broncos, sulking in the training room and not carrying the ball once during the preseason, then getting cut.
And the most cold-hearted might even consider his recent (alleged) move to the position of Wallet Valet as a step down.
But kudos to the fine men who run the Tippies for recognizing that Maurice’s life is really the great American Dream. After all, once you leave Youngstown, prison really is a step up.
Tom: Thanks... and best of luck to Maurice in the Ohio Penal League. Our next category is the Best Annoying Trend In College Sports Telecasts. The nominees...
Incessant shots of family members in the crowd
The fact that every player and every team is one of the "greatest ______ in the nation"
The Gameday Theme song
(Holding envelope to forehead and not opening it)
The winner is... Incessant shots of family members in the crowd!
Announcer: Accepting the award is Brady Quinn’s sister, Laura.
Laura Quinn: Oh man... this is... like... awesome. When I didn’t win the last category, I was so totally worried that... like... my 15 minutes of fame was over.
I don’t know if you know this, but my brother Brady plays quarterback for Notre Dame. And I’m dating A.J. Hawk, who is TOTALLY a linebacker for Ohio State. And... like... I could not have planned this any better... but their teams totally played in the Fiesta Bowl.
I got to go. You might have noticed me... I was the one wearing a half-Notre Dame and half-Ohio State jersey. I was on TV like a MILLION times.
Because who wants to see replays during the game or hear relevant commentary? You know you just want to see me squinting into the sun trying to figure out which team has the ball.
And did you see that I was on Good Morning America? That Diane Sawyer is not as nice as she pretends to be. Right before I went on live (that’s a TV term I just learned) she says to me...
(The orchestra music fades up and mercifully her microphone gets cut off)
Tom: Wow... that was even more painful than the 1993 Michigan game.
Our next category is Cheapshot of the Year. The nominees are...
Virginia’s Brad Butler goes for the knees on BC’s Matthias Kiwanuka.
Virginia Tech’s Marcus Vick steps on Louisville’s Elvis Dumervil.
Brad Nessler's offhand comment about burning couches in Morgantown after the Sugar Bowl.
Joe Paterno struggles to control his bowels as he says something about OSU grads speaking English.
And the tippie goes to: Marcus Vick!
(After 45 seconds, there is no sign of Marcus.)
Announcer: Marcus Vick is somewhere in the building tonight, but no longer in his seat. Security has been notified.
(Tom Friend sprints onto the stage)
Tom Friend (wheezing): I don’t... (huffing and puffing)... know Marcus Vick very well... but I’m sure... he was just misunderstood... and the victim of society... or coaching... or something.
Marcus, baby... if you’re listening... call me... I’d love to write your story.
Tony: Yeesh, what a loser. Speaking of losers, our next category is Least Impressive Bowl Performance. And the nominees are...
Sun Belt Officials
Charlie Weis/Notre Dame Defense/Notre Dame Fans
And the winner is...
The Sun Belt Officials! (Immediately, boos come from the crowd. The giant projection screen shows a picture of a hand-drawn referee with a phone next to it.)
Tony: Accepting via phone is one of the officials from the Alamo Bowl. He has declined to give his name. Sir, are you there?
Ref: Yes, I'm here.
Tony: How do you feel about winning the award?
Ref: One time I drived a car two miles. It had a flower on the side. The bear won't eat the car.
Tony. Okaaay. Howabout just saying thanks and hanging up the phone?
Ref: I made a pizza!
Tony: Okay, cut that guy off, this is going nowhere. Tom?
Tom: Our next category is one that’s dear to both of our hearts: The Tip Sheet Man of the Year.
It’s a very special award; you don’t need to have a superlative season or even be particularly good at your job. All you need to do is be easy to make fun of. All of our nominees spring right to mind when we’re struggling to come up with something mildly entertaining to say about some mid-week CUSA crapfest. They are...
Chuck Amato, NC State coach.
Glen Mason, Minnesota coach.
Ron Zook, Illinois coach.
Tyrone Willingham, Washington coach.
And the Tippie goes to... we all knew this was coming... Glen Mason!
Announcer: This is Glen Mason’s fifth Tippie... all in the Man of the Year category.
Glen Mason: Four score and seven days ago, my Gophers set forth onto the gridiron.
Our goal; no mere victory, but true triumph... not only in the field of competitive sport, but also in the classroom and in the community.
Pee-pee poo-poo fart.
Tom: Boy... that speech started great, but it kind of fell apart there at the end, didn’t it?
Since Glen wins that one every year, we thought we’d add a new category. We call it “The Most Glen Masony Moment Not Involving Glen Mason.”
Only one man was nominated this season, but Tony and I both feel that he reflects all of the qualities that make us love Glen like a slightly-slow brother.
Our winner came out of the gate strong this year, thanks almost entirely to a reprehensibly pathetic non-conference schedule. His offense is more one-dimensional than Steven Seagal and Eugene Levy put together. He got his fanbase all worked up with a perfect record entering October, but ended up with another undistinguished season to his name after a bitter defeat in a bowl game.
Ladies and gentlemen... Texas Tech coach Mike Leach!
Mike Leach: I’m more surprised than an armadillo facin’ down a rattler. What an honor. To be mentioned in the same breath as Glen Mason? Wow.
I’ve always wanted to spend late December in Nashville. Now I might get that chance.
Tony: Thanks, Coach. Up next, Best Achievement in Costume Design
The nominees are...
Oregon's steel-plated pants in their bowl game
The Nike "off-the-shoulder" look for Virginia Tech and Florida
Charlie Weis' sweatpants
Chuck Amato's shoes
And the winner is...The Nike "off-the-shoulder" look!
Phil Knight: (Holds up the Tippie.) This is what it's all about, right here. This is why those seven-year old Philipino girls work so hard. It's a great day for them and for Nike. If this award show is in anyway meant as a joke, I will have both of you killed. I'm Phil Knight, I can do that.
(Phil Knight looks at Tony sternly.) Is this show some type of joke?
Tony: No...no sir.
Phil: Then why is the blonde dude from CHiPs the announcer?
Tony: Actually, Mr. Knight, he's fairly well-established in the emceeing community. If it makes you feel any better, Erik Estrada is our caterer.
Phil: Really? Hmm. That's good to know. How're Estrada's empanadas? Ha ha ha ha. Get it? It rhymes.
Tony: That's great. Would you mind if we moved you to the press room so that we can get on with the show?
Phil: Sure, no problem. Will there be empanadas?
Tony: Yeah. Tons. Now that that's over, let's get to our next award. This one is for the Best Impression of a Sun Belt Conference Referee's Sense of Judgment
The nominees are...
CUSA officials in the Outback Bowl
Galen Hall picking his nose on camera during the Orange Bowl
Marcus Vick, for just being Marcus Vick
Tyler Ecker for getting tackled to end Michigan's last two games this season
And the winner is...Tyler Ecker!
Tyler Ecker: Wow! This is a complete shock. It's just an honor to be nominated with these guys. I thought this was Marcus Vick's award for sure. He even punched my mom in the stomach 20 minutes ago when she cut in front of him at the water fountain. This one's for you, Mom! (Camera shows Ecker's mom, who is having her blood pressure checked.) People ask why I didn't go out of bounds against Ohio State or why I didn't pitch the ball to Steve Breaston in the Alamo Bowl. I just look at them and say, "What. Ever!" (There is some booing in the crowd. The spotlight shines on Lloyd Carr, catching him in mid-boo. Ecker exits the stage via the side door in the auditorium, then comes back through the front exit and just as he is about to leave through the side exit, he gets tackled.)
Tom: Thanks. Our next category is one where it’s definitely not an honor to be nominated... Disappointment of the Year. (Pauses for laughter that never comes)
Fine. Screw you.
Our nominees are...
Goliath from the Underarmour commercials
The winner is... College Gameday!
Announcer: Accepting the award is Lee Corso.
Lee Corso: Wooooo! Go ‘Noles! I feel like Reggie Bush– the greatest ever!
But not so fast my friend! I get it. We used to do a show that provided some actual insight and worthwhile content. Now I just point at Herbstreit with my pencil, make whistling noises, put on mascot heads and break down every game by talking about which team is tougher.
That’s why I feel like Vince Young right now- the greatest ever!
Sure, we brought that Lachey kid in this year. That was a bigger disaster that my coaching career. And even he was better than Desmond Howard.
But we’ve got that song by those guys from somewhere south or something. Pig And Snitch or something. They’re great!
That’s why Gameday is still the greatest ever- like Matt Leinart!
(Corso walks over to the edge of the stage, picks up an oversized Tippie that’s being used as a set decoration and puts it on his head.)
I’m picking the Tippies! They're tougher than the Oscars and they want it more than the Tonys. They’re the best award show ever- like Pete Carroll!
Not so fast my friend!
Tony: I thought I told you people not to give Corso money. Anyway, on to the Breakthrough Achievement of the Year
And the nominees are...
Tyrone Prothro's lower leg bone
Charlie Weis' stomach staple
And the winner is...Tyrone Prothro's lower leg bone!
Announcer: Here to accept for Tyrone Prothro are his tibia and fibula.
Tibia: This is great. My man Fibs and I are overwhelmed. It was only three short months ago that we were pretty much snapped in half. But as you can see (Tibia and Fibula pull down their cumberbuns exposing the old breaks), we're doing pretty good. The doc says we'll be up and running in no time. Hopefully we'll win a Tippie next year for Comeback Leg Bones of the Year! Fibs?
Fibula: I would like to thank my mom. Thanks Mom!
(As Tibia and Fibula walk off stage, an audible snap is heard and Fibula goes down to the ground in obvious pain. Tom kicks them behind the curtain as he walks back onto the stage.)
Tom: Next up is another special Tippie: The Tip Sheet Lifetime Achievement Award. All of our nominees have given so much of themselves... years of sleepless nights and constant stress. All to end up the punchline to some half-assed joke about how fat/stupid/stubborn they are. Still, we sure couldn’t do it without them.
The nominees are...
And the Tippie goes to... Chuck Amato!
(Announcer: This is the first time Chuck Amato has won anything. Seriously. Not just Tippies... anything.)
Chuck Amato: Jeez... I’m glad I wore my shiny red shoes and 3-D glasses tonight. You always want to look your best on a big night like this.
(NC State players in the crowd start cheering loudly, then pull a row of seats out and hurl it at the stage, drawing a 15-yard penalty.)
That’s the spirit, guys! You can never be too aggressive!
I can’t tell you how much it means to me to get on the Tip Sheet. It’s the only time after National Signing Day that anyone even acknowledges that I exist. Why else would we play so many mid-week games?
(One of the NC State players in the crowd punches an usher, drawing another 15-yard penalty.)
And I know... there are only two reasons why I won this award. Two things that have given Tom and Tony more material than all the other very deserving nominees put together.
(He takes his shirt off, as the audience storms for the exits.)
Announcer: I guess this is our intermission. The second half of the Tippies will continue after Chuck puts his shirt back on.
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