Tony's Tip Sheet

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Established October 31, 1996
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Last updated: 10/06/2011 1:06 AM
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Football
Tony's Tip Sheet
By Tony Gerdeman

We're flying blind here at the Tip Sheet. No hope for a national championship. Very little hope for a conference championship. It's a good thing the Buckeyes don't play Cincinnati this year, because they might not even qualify for the state championship.

The Tip Sheet has no contingencies for this. I looked in the Owner's Manual and all it says is: "If not in any hunt, drink heavily." But I was ALREADY doing that, and it didn't work!

I guess now we just walk around and mutter to ourselves everyday. We make people near us uncomfortable. And women will cross the street just to avoid us. So at least there's no change there, I guess.

Thursday October 6

Teams:  California (3-1) at #9 Oregon (3-1)
Time (TV):  9:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest:  2
Cheer For:  Oregon

I think we'll go ahead and cheer for Oregon so that they can get to the BCS and get beaten again. I love watching fanboys get their hearts broken. I haven't seen California play yet this year, and I'm sad that that streak is going to end on Thursday. Oregon 34 - California 13

Friday October 7

Teams:  #5 Boise State (4-0) at Fresno State (2-3)
Time (TV):  9:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest:  2
Cheer For:  Fresno State

We're rooting against Boise State because we're jealous haters. We're obviously jealous of Boise State's success over the years. Their multiple (2) BCS wins overshadows the success of all of our teams combined. We aren't worthy to even speak their name. We're also rooting for Fresno State because they'll play anybody anywhere--and they don't care WHO beats them! People need to shut up about Fresno State. They suck. They've always sucked, and they always WILL suck. Go Bulldogs! Boise State 47 - Fresno State 20

Saturday October 8

Teams:  #3 Oklahoma (4-0) vs #11 Texas (4-0) (Dallas, TX)
Time (TV):  12:00 pm (ABC)
Interest:  3
Cheer For:  Oklahoma

When does a game between two teams ranked in the Top 11 not feel like a game between two teams ranked in the Top 11? When it's this one! Yes, Texas is undefeated, but it's a fake undefeated. Their ranking is done by default. Voters can't wait for Monday so they can drop Texas out of the realm of relevance. I think the Longhorns' defense can hang with the Sooners for a while, but their offense will let them down. They will need turnovers from Landry Jones, and since Jones has already thrown five interceptions, clearly he is capable. But Texas will need more help from Oklahoma than the Sooners will provide. Oklahoma 35 - Texas 21

Teams:  Minnesota (1-4) at Purdue (2-2)
Time (TV):  12:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest:  1
Cheer For:  Minnesota

This is going to be the second ugliest game of the day in the Big Ten. In fact, this is one of those games that after you look at it, you do a double-take and think, "Wow. That is one ugly game. There isn't enough liquor in this world to make me sit down and watch this one." And then you think for a bit about how ugly their kids must be and how their family photo must look like a bunch of oiled up catcher's mitts with bowl cuts. Purdue 20 - Minnesota 10

Teams:  Maryland (2-2) at #13 Georgia Tech (5-0)
Time (TV):  12:00 pm (ESPNU)
Interest:  2
Cheer For:  Georgia Tech

We're cheering for Georgia Tech because they're going to win and we're front runners. We have enough disappointment in our personal lives, we don't need to start inviting disappointment into our sort-of-interested-in football games. Georgia Tech 34 - Maryland 17

Teams:  #19 Illinois (5-0) at Indiana (1-4)
Time (TV):  2:30 pm (BTN)
Interest:  1.5
Cheer For:  Indiana

Indiana is terrible. Illinois is not. In order for Indiana to win this game, they would need Illinois to play with seven men on each side, and six of those men would have to be children suffering from tuberculosis. And four of those children suffering from tuberculosis would have to be soccer players. Three of those soccer players would have to be stupid goalies, and at least one of those stupid goalies would have to be lobster-clawed. That is the only way the Hoosiers could win this. And those lobster claws have to REALLY lobstery. I'm not talking about just two fingers fused together, I'm talking about FULL lobster claw effect. And they have to play quarterback. Illinois 31 - Indiana 10

Teams:  #17 Florida (4-1) at #1 LSU (5-0)
Time (TV):  3:30 pm (CBS)
Interest:  3.5
Cheer For:  Florida

I know we normally like chaos, but we can't in good conscience root for any SEC team to go undefeated. It's like rooting for the Yankees to be used as an outdated analogy to describe something dynastic. It just can't be done! There is no doubt that LSU is going to win this game. Really, the only reason that we're watching this game is the same reason we'd watch 11-year olds drive Ferraris--to see how fast they're going when they hit the wall. LSU 28 - Florida 17

Teams:  Air Force (3-1) at Notre Dame (3-2)
Time (TV):  3:30 pm (NBC)
Interest:  2
Cheer For:  Air Force

How do I know that Notre Dame hates America? Because they are going to pound its Air Force. Nice going, Jerks! Notre Dame 37 - Air Force 24

Teams:  Iowa (3-1) at Penn State (4-1)
Time (TV):  3:30 pm (ABC/ESPN)
Interest:  3
Cheer For:  Iowa

I don't like this game. In fact, I've been avoiding making this pick. I have very little respect for Penn State as a whole, but they do have the fifth-ranked defense in the country, and Iowa's offense has stifleable qualities. I'm not convinced they'll be able to run the ball on the Nittany Lions, which will make the Hawkeyes one-dimensional and easier to defend. That being said, I'm not sure how Penn State scores either. Against their three breathing opponents, they have yet to score 17 points in a game. And bad news for the Nitts--Iowa is also a breathing opponent. Ultimately, however, the reason that I am going with the Hawkeyes is because Matt McGloin has yet to throw an interception this season, so you know he's super overdue. Like three months of constipation due. He's going to have to bury his interceptions out in the back yard when he's finished. Iowa 20 - Penn State 13

Teams:  Pittsburgh (3-2) at Rutgers (3-1)
Time (TV):  3:30 pm (ESPNU)
Interest:  1.5
Cheer For:  Rutgers

Just so you know, I begrudgingly put this game in here because sometimes I neglect the Big East. Not that they don't deserve it, but sometimes I feel a little guilty for making them live in the closet under the Tip Sheet's stairs. That bad part about including it is that I have to take the pick seriously, which means I have to look up stuff on Rutgers because I know absolutely nothing about them. I mean, I assume they're terrible and haven't played anybody. That's obvious. But now I have to go and research them enough to pick the game. Excuse me for 30 seconds while I analyze the data available to me. [Grabs beer. Takes swig. Impressive. Takes second swig. Hmm...if first two swigs were good, then the third should be as well. Yep. Just as good. Are we possibly in the middle of an endless streak of good swigs of beer? Can't stop the science now!] Pittsburgh 24 - Rutgers 12

Teams:  Miami (FL) (2-2) at #21 Virginia Tech (4-1)
Time (TV):  3:30 pm (ESPN/ABC)
Interest:  1.5
Cheer For:  Virginia Tech

We're cheering for Virginia Tech because it's Miami's fault that the Buckeyes are in this situation in the first place. If they wouldn't have started the Ohio State game 14-0, then the Buckeyes would have never lost their balance! Virginia Tech 27 - Miami 6

Teams:  Missouri (2-2) at #20 Kansas State (4-0)
Time (TV):  3:30 pm (ABC)
Interest:  1.5
Cheer For:  Kansas State

Ugh. As if this season can't get any worse. For about the third week in a row I have to do some research on stupid Kansas State. Based on my research from last week, they can't score and there was no way that they were going to beat Baylor. My research was an idiot of course, because they did in fact beat Baylor last week. Hmm...if last week's research was wrong, then maybe I don't need to do any research this week and I can just go with the opposite of everything I thought last week. Except I feel like this is an opportunity to pick a steal from the rest of the nation. While they are on the Kansas State bandwagon--which smells like old davenport and slippers...and something else that we can't quite figure out, which is probably meth--I am going to hop on the Mizzou choo choo and ride with the Tigers. (Missouri, if you would like to use "I am going to hop on the Mizzou choo choo and ride with the Tigers" as either a slogan or university mission statement, I will sell the phrase to you at a medium price. In lieu of money, and if you can provide it to me, I will also accept the ability and power to ticket bad drivers at my leisure. Thank you.) Missouri 34 - Kansas State 28

Teams:  #24 Texas A&M (2-2) at Texas Tech (4-0)
Time (TV):  7:00 pm (FX)
Interest:  3.5
Cheer For:  Texas Tech

The Aggies have a one-point loss to Oklahoma State and a four-point loss to Arkansas. They're "this" close to being ranked somewhere close to the Top Five. Unfortunately, they're now sitting at .500 and looking to get out of the Big XII basement. Texas Tech is 4-0 but the best team they've played to this point is Kansas, who is the Ohio State offense of football teams. The Red Raiders are scoring 47.3 points per game this season, and while they'll put up some points against the Aggies, they won't come close to approaching their average. I'll go ahead and take the better team instead of the home field advantage. Texas A&M 41 - Texas Tech 30

Teams:  #15 Auburn (4-1) at #10 Arkansas (4-1)
Time (TV):  7:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest:  3
Cheer For:  Auburn

As if I even have to explain why we're cheering for Auburn--we LOVE Gus Malzahn. Seriously. We love him. The wife knows. She doesn't like it, but what is she gonna do about it? The Tigers are coming off of an improbable win at South Carolina. Though admittedly, calling any win against Stephen Garcia "improbable" is taking liberties with the English language that America likely never intended when it invented said language. Despite our love of Malzahn, his offense isn't exactly blowing the doors off anybody. Bobby Petrino's offense, on the other hand, is. And I expect that to continue on Saturday. I just don't think Auburn has the offense to keep up. And Tyler Wilson is a much better quarterback than Stephen Garcia could ever be, so don't expect the same struggles from the Hawgs that you saw from the Gamecocks. Arkansas 37 - Auburn 24

Teams:  Georgia (3-2) at Tennessee (3-1)
Time (TV):  7:00 pm (ESPN2)
Interest:  3
Cheer For:  Georgia

This could be a bit of a shootout, provided Georgia's offense cooperates, because their defense certainly will. The key to stopping Tennessee will be triple-covering receiver Da'Rick Rogers, which Georgia won't do because they're stupid. I like the Vols in this one because they're all too dumb to know they suck, whereas Georgia has no doubts. Tennessee 33 - Georgia 24

Teams: #12 Michigan (5-0) at Northwestern (2-2)
Time (TV):  7:00 pm (BTN)
Interest:  5
Cheer For:  Northwestern

Okay, I am relenting. We will not be rooting for Michigan this week. Besides, even I wasn't listening to me all these years. So why are we rooting against them now? There are many reasons. But mainly we're doing it because we hate evil. It is our worst enemy. That, and the NCAA. Anyway, this will be the first offense that Michigan's defense has faced since Notre Dame that might be able to move the ball forwardly in an adequate manner. Now that Dan Persa is back at quarterback for Northwestern, they can get back to throwing the ball and spreading teams out. This works against Michigan because they can't cover well. Though it does need to be mentioned that Persa is still getting his timing back. Michigan's linebackers and safeties should expedite this, however. Northwestern will score on Michigan, but Denard Robinson will score more. He'll rush for 200 yards and throw for 200 more. Michigan 38 - Northwestern 27

Teams:  Ohio State (3-2) at #14 Nebraska (4-1)
Time (TV):  8:00 pm (ABC)
Interest:  2.5
Cheer For:  Ohio State

You ever go watch people play putt-putt on a Saturday night knowing that eventually you are going to witness somebody who absolutely knows what they're doing? Yes, in order to get to a group of people who take their craft seriously sometimes you have to wade through the blaring teenagers. But when you find the right group to follow, it's totally worth it. No, they generally don't like being videotaped, and yes, sometimes the police get involved, but when you're secretly taping a Par 3 and somebody aces it, there's nothing like it. To burst out from behind the volcano and slap high-fives with terrified strangers is a feeling that none of us will ever forget. It makes all of those nights following them home and sobbing on the hoods of their cars late at night totally worth it. Why do I mention all of this? Because I'd rather be doing that on Saturday night than watching this game.

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