Open Letter to America

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Established October 31, 1996
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Last updated: 07/12/2011 2:00 PM
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An Open Letter To America Regarding Its Stupidity
By Tony Gerdeman

Dear America,

Hi, it's me, Tony. You might remember me from such events as Hands Across You back in 1986, and last year's purchase of a pair of camo cargo shorts.

There was also an attempt to send a Care Bear into space on your birthday in 1987 or so. Anyway, even if you don't remember me, rest assured that we are familiar with each other.

I'm writing to you because I have grown more and more concerned with how stupid you have become regarding the way you have continued to spout nonsense about Ohio State's self-imposed punishments handed down last week.

ESPN's Pat Forde is a tremendous example of your failings. On Friday he compared Ohio State's self-imposed penalties to "50 lashes with a wet noodle".

You sadden me, America, as do your pork-fisted analogies.

While you make jokes and engage in scoffs about Ohio State's penalties - the two years of probation and the vacation of the entire 2010 season - you CONSTANTLY fail to mention the most severe of ANY sanction - Jim Tressel's resignation.

Now I agree with you, there will be increased sanctions, but how purposely inept can you be when making your thoughts known?

How much training do you need in order to remain this stupid? Do you take a course down at the learning annex? Does the class just congregate outside in the hall because nobody can figure out that the door pushes in and doesn't pull out?

You know how Apple's stock price drops every time Steve Jobs sneezes? Imagine what would happen if he stepped down. Do you think that would have a detrimental effect on Apple?

The same can be said for Ohio State. They removed the first coach to ever win 100 games at two different universities. They removed a coach who made nine national championship appearances in 25 seasons as a head coach.

America, if you need me to do the math for you - and I know you do - that's a national championship appearance in 36% of the seasons in which he was a head coach.

He won a Big Ten championship six times in ten seasons, and that's even taking away the 2010 championship.

Gone is the man who had such a relationship with Ohio high school football coaches that they wrote a letter of support following his shamed resignation, and have since inducted him into their Hall of Fame. And now, not coincidentally, the exodus of Ohio high school football players has begun.

This is what constitutes 50 lashes with a wet noodle?

If losing Jim Tressel is 50 lashes, I'm guessing the NCAA death penalty would have to an entail the ACTUAL death penalty.

America, you're making being stupid harder than it actually is. Your love of Nickelback is proof enough of that. They simply can't be that easy to enjoy.

You have to work extra hard to be this ignorant. Seriously, I think you're doing the P90X of imbecility.

Mondays are for jaw slackening. Tuesdays are for eye deadening. Wednesdays are toenail biting. The rest of the week is set aside for recovery and paste eating.

Imagine if Florida State had forced Bobby Bowden out somewhere back around 1990. How different would Florida State's history have been?

You want to tell me that that wouldn't have been a serious penalty?

Oh, America, you are such a blowhard. You're the guy that shows up to a kegger bragging about how much you can drink and after pouring your first beer exclaim, "Ooh, look at all of the yummy foam!"

Every day you clamor for more sanctions for Ohio State. You beg for a postseason ban and more, stating that the penalties handed down have not entertained you enough.

The stupidest argument that you can make - and you continue to make it on an hourly basis - is that missing a bowl game in a year that may only yield an 8-4 season is a more devastating penalty than losing the coach that made 8-4 seasons a thing of the past.

If you continue to ignore the fact that Jim Tressel's resignation is actually a part of the self-imposed penalties, you must not see Tressel's resignation as much of a punishment at all.

And how stupid does that make you look, America?

I stood by you during the Zubaz craze, and even though I've wavered these last few years with the explosion of these 'real housewife' shows, I still believe in you. I believe you're a complete idiot, but I still believe in you.

But then we all have that stupid friend that we're not sure how they operate on a day-to-day basis, yet they still somehow manage.

I know you're not going to smarten up. It's just not in your nature.

But I still had to try.

Take care, and enjoy your tractor pulls, pigeons and soccer.

Your smarter friend,


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