Opposing quarterbacks club

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Established October 31, 1996
Front Page Columns and Features
Last updated: 11/02/2012 2:23 AM
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Football
The Opposing Quarterbacks Club
By John Kreinbihl

Ill-annoy 

It’s been a rough week for the Club Doorman.  Between SuperStorm Sandy, the NHL lockout and the announcement that Anderson Cooper’s Talk Show had been cancelled, he’s been completely befuddled.  Additionally, rumors of change at the Club are swirling and he’s certain he’ll be transferred from Doorman to Hat Check Guy.  That would be a major disappointment to him because while very few people enter the Club, nobody has checked a hat in years.  I figured a small twist in the proverb “a friend in need is a friend indeed” might do the trick and since I needed to hide the microphones, perhaps a friendly gesture on my part, might help to make that happen.  As it turns out two pre-sell tickets to see Commander Cody at Woodlands Tavern in Grandview next February was all he needed to let me in and hide the microphones.

Here is the transcript form the meeting:

Moderator:  Welcome everyone to this week’s meeting of the Opposing Quarterbacks Club.  Nine weeks in the books so far this season and things are beginning to shake out.  Upsets have impacted the national rankings, bowl projections and conference standings and as teams prepare for the stretch run of league championships, rivalry games and post season success, it’s the time of year to expect the unexpected.  The one constant this year has been right here, in this building.  Quarterback after quarterback after quarterback all have performed exactly as planned and today we’ll formally induct our newest member and welcome this week’s guest.  As I look around the room, it seems as if everyone is here but I’ll take the roll call to make sure.  Dysert, Bortles and Maynard?

Dysert:  The three of us are here.

Moderator:  Excellent.  Perry, Brown, Maxwell & Martinez?

Martinez:  All here.

Moderator:  Coffman and Sudfeld?

Coffman:  Here.

Moderator: Caleb TerBush?

TerBush:  I’m here.

Moderator:  And finally our newest member, Matt McGloin?

McGloin:  Yep, I’m here.

Bortles:  Great game Matt.  I saw it on TV and do you know the one thing that kept going through my mind as I watched it?

McGloin:  No, what was that?

Bortles:  It was a really strange feeling, one I’d never had before, but as I watched the game there was never a time that I thought you had any chance of winning.

McGloin:  Oh, I don’t know about that.  It was incredibly loud and when we blocked the punt and jumped ahead 7-0, I felt the Buckeyes were in for a long night.

Dysert:  Not me, I’m with Bortles on this one.  We’ve seen teams block punts and score against Ohio State, we’ve seen teams run kicks back for TD’s, we’ve seen teams jump out to big leads but the story never changes.  You may have hung with OSU for a half, but you never demonstrated the ability that you had what it takes to win.

Maynard:  The TD OSU scored right before the half set the tone for the game.  I imagine Coach O’Brien gave you guys a fiery halftime speech… “ we have to take back control of the game…let’s make them play our game…if every man in this room does his job to the best of his ability and we play fast, hard and intelligently we’ll win this game!!!!”

Perry:  And about two minutes later the only player you saw on the field was Ryan Shazier, and you threw him a perfect strike.  Ball game, baby.

Maxwell:  In fairness to McGloin, he was just trying to carry out a long-standing tradition at Penn State.  It may not be as famous as others in Happy Valley but I think 8 interceptions returned by the Buckeyes for touchdowns in 11 years deserves a shout out.  WE ARE…

Brown, Martinez, Coffman, Sudfeld & TerBush:  PICK SIX!!!

Maxwell:  WE ARE…

Brown, Martinez, Coffman, Sudfeld & TerBush:  PICK SIX!!!

Maxwell:  WE ARE…

Brown, Martinez, Coffman, Sudfeld & TerBush:  PICK SIX!!!

Dysert: And you know who is really happy about your pick six?

McGloin:  Who?

Maynard:  Anthony Morelli, because now he has company in the OQbC “Pick Six Wall of Fame”.

Maxwell:  Eight pick sixes in 11 years!! Everyone watching the game KNEW it was going to happen, you just didn’t know EXACTLY WHEN it would happen.  It’s like Lucy pulling the football away as Charlie Brown went to kick it, or Bart Simpson prank calls to Moe’s Tavern, you knew it was part of the script and you waited for it to happen.

TerBush:  I love Bart’s crank calls, asking for Oliver Clothesoff is my favorite.

Sudfeld:  I know you have goofy beer sales laws in Pennsylvania but I hear Yuengling is creating a special six-pack of “Pick Six” Lagers.

McGloin:  Is it six different beers in one pack?

Coffman:  No, it’s a six-pack that once you pay for it and head out the door, an Ohio State fan swoops in and steals it from you.

Maxwell:  WE ARE…

Brown, Martinez, Coffman, Sudfeld & TerBush:  PICK SIX!!!

Martinez:  In addition to the interception, your offense didn’t exactly resemble the fast paced NASCAR race you referenced last week.

Bortles:  It was more like line of Conestoga Wagons trying the cross the Rockies.

Dysert:  I just don’t think you had enough moxie to make the big plays.  Maybe you should have your moxie checked.  Perhaps you need to re-moxie.

Brown:  Or at the very least get some epoxy and repair your moxie.

McGloin:  It was a disappointing loss and I feel like I let our fans down.

Maynard:  You only feel that way, because you did.

McGloin:  Our fans were terrific.  Early in the game it was so loud it was hard to talk to guy next to you in the huddle.

Bortles: And after Miller hit Stoneburner with the 72-yard TD it was so quiet you could hear the sound of an electric toothbrush coming from one of the dorm rooms across the street.

McGloin:  I don’t understand why I have to come here and get abused like this.

Dysert:  Didn’t you see the plaque on the door as you walked in?  It says, “There’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy”.

Moderator:  Matt, it’s time to present you with your official OQbC jacket.  Congratulations.

Martinez:  Here, sit next to Maynard.  Your pick six will feel right at home next to his six sacks.

Moderator:  Gentlemen, we now have to turn attention to this week’s special guest.  He is Nathan Scheelhaase, the 6’3”, 195 lb. Junior Quarterback for the University of Illinois.  Nathan will lead the Illini into Ohio Stadium on Saturday for a match up with the Buckeyes.  This season, Nathan has completed 62% of his passes for over 800 yards and he’s thrown 4 TD’s and 5 interceptions.  This will be 99th meeting between the two schools.  Ohio State leads the series 64-30-4 and the winner will take home the IlliBuck trophy.  Nathan, welcome to the Opposing Quarterbacks Club.

Scheelhaase;  Sure, thanks.

Maxwell:  I remember when you came into the league.  You had very good numbers your Freshman season, not so good your Sophmore year and eight games into your Junior season, you’ve thrown 4 TD’s.  That’s one every OTHER game.  You’re in statistical reverse.  At this rate the highlight of your Senior season will be holding for PAT’s.

Scheelhaase:  There are a couple of reasons for that.  First, this is our first year with Coach Beckman and anytime you have a head coaching change, it takes time to adjust.  You know, the playbook is different, the terminology is different, schemes are different…

Dysert:  Excellent point.  And I think the Buckeyes are a great example of that.  They have a new coach and it’s been so different and difficult for them, they are the only team in the country that’s won nine games.

Scheelhaase:  The second point I wanted to make is I’ve had to deal with an ankle injury that caused me to miss some time.  We’re not where we wanted to be but we’re making progress and we’ve been playing some of our best football recently.

Martinez:  Seriously?  You equate “playing some of your best football recently” with being the first team to lose to Indiana in a conference game in three years?  That’s like getting only coal in your stocking and calling it an “excellent Christmas”.

Coffman:  We beat them up and down the field.  At their place.  And it was Homecoming.

Sudfeld:  Give us a break, can’t you guys let Cam and I enjoy this moment?  I mean, who knows, this may be the last Big Ten game we win this decade.

Perry:  Scheelhaase, whatever the reasons, you’re sitting here at 2-6 and the only two teams you’ve beaten are Western Michigan and Charleston Southern.

Brown:  And Charleston Southern is so bad they played the following three teams—The Citadel, Stony Brook and Edward Waters—and only beat one of them.

Bortles:  Those don’t sound like football teams, they sound like a movie, a housing development and a jazz musician. 

Maxwell:  How are you guys going to beat Ohio State?

Scheelhaase:  We’ll find a way.  We’ve been a real pest to the Bucks in recent years.  Did you know we’ve won 3 of the past 5 games we’ve played in Columbus?  We’re like a gnat that keeps buzzing around their ears.  No matter how they try and swat it, we just stay there. 

TerBush:  I can’t speak for the Buckeyes, but at Purdue we think you guys are annoying as hell.  Your colors are annoying, your fans are annoying, going to Champaign-Urbana is annoying…

Scheelhaase:  One thing we do have in our favor is that Coach Beckman is very familiar with Ohio State.  He coached there and he’s coached against them.  He’s been very helpful in preparing us for what we’ll see on Saturday.

Martinez:  Both times he coached against OSU in the Horseshoe in 2009 and 2011, he lost.  He’ll be going for the three-peat this weekend.

Scheelhaase:  And in keeping with the season, we’ll have a few tricks for OSU on Saturday.

Dysert:  But the treat will be seeing you here again next week.  And here’s a little something to remember us by.  I’m looking for Sir Mix McGloin-A-Lot and DJ Z-Nard to take us out of here.  You know the song, gimme a little somethin’ from “Undercover Brother”…

McGloin & Maynard:  “He’s a Scheel---haase, the Bucks are mighty and bringin’ it all day long, he’s a Scheel---haase, the dude is sacked flat on his back ain’t nothing holding Simon back.  He’s a Scheel—haase…

Moderator:  Gentlemen, that’s all the time we have for today.  I wish each of you the best of luck in your games this week.  We are officially adjourned.

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