The Opposing Quarterbacks Club
By John Kreingbihl
Back Home(game) Again in Indiana
It’s Indiana week at the Club and that means ticket requests are much higher than normal as OSU fans from all over the country are planning on taking over Bloomington this weekend. For many, this is the only opportunity they’ll have to see the Bucks in person this season so the doorman has been inundated with texts and e-mails asking for tickets. The issue isn’t that demand has exceeded supply, it’s that he doesn’t have the time to fulfill all the orders. That’s where I came to the rescue. When I told him I could provide free labor in the form of Senior Citizens looking for an outing and Boys Scouts looking for community service credits in exchange for the opportunity to hide my microphones, he took the offer like Jim Bakker took PTL “lifetime membership” checks.
Here is the transcript from the meeting:
Moderator: Welcome all and thank you for attending this week’s meeting of the Opposing Quarterbacks Club. We’ve reached the halfway point of the season and in terms of membership, we are right on schedule. Six up. Six in. We have a full agenda today as the Buckeyes prepare for this weekend’s match up with the Indiana Hoosiers and later, two guests will join us. I’ll start with the roll of current members, Dysert?
Bortles: 10-4 on that 10-20 good buddy.
Moderator: Zach Maynard?
Moderator: Jonathon Perry and Austin Brown?
Maynard: Nice job Perry, you played last week so you can sit at the big boy table today.
Perry: Whatever. We’re both here sir.
Maxwell: How ya doin’?
Moderator: And finally, our newest member Taylor Martinez?
Martinez: I’m here.
Dysert: Hey Taylor, nice effort last week, you made some really big plays and some really bad reads. Four turnovers? That’s an order at bakery, not a recipe for success against Ohio State.
Martinez: A break here or a break there and the game could have gone the other way.
Dysert: That was my point. The game did go the “other way” as in Bradley Roby’s pick six and Philly Brown’s punt return.
Martinez: There are plenty of positives I can take away from that game.
Bortles: The Buckeyes scored on offense, defense and special teams. You guys didn’t seem to have an answer for anything after the first quarter.
Maynard: Plus I saw on YouTube “The Best Damn Band in the Land” kicked your bands’ ass at halftime. So it’s really scoring on offense, defense, special teams and showmanship. Take those four, add four turnovers and I’m positive the main take away from the game will be that you were lucky to only get blown out by three touchdowns.
Brown: And who came up with the idea to let John Simon roam free? Was that your offensive coaches or were your pre-snap reads pitiful? Look at the stats, Simon had 7 tackles, five for losses, 2 sacks and a forced fumble. Wasn’t #54 on your radar screen?
Martinez: He did create havoc.
Bortles: We spent significant time last week warning you about Simon. That’s why you come to these meetings to gain insight based on the experience of others who have already played the Bucks. We said Simon will hit you and he will hurt you. What did you share with your coaches once you got back last week? “They said something about Simon Says or Simple Simon and a Pie Man or Simon and Garfunkel”?
Perry: He’s right Martinez. When we tell you—and now as you tell others—what we did that didn’t work or what to look out for, we’re not doing it to hear ourselves talk, we’re actually trying to help.
Martinez: I really wasn’t sure what to expect when I got here last week.
Maxwell: And it appears you didn’t expect the Buckeyes to do any of the things they did on Saturday. What was the first night you didn’t see Bradley Roby and John Simon in your sleep this week?
Martinez: Umm, yesterday.
Maxwell: At least you guys continued your conference trend of losing big in big games on the road--at Wisconsin, at Michigan and now at Ohio State, big crowd, big loss. Average margin of victory in those three games? 28 points.
Martinez: The Buckeyes late touchdown made the score look more lopsided than it really was. A lot of our fans were upset that OSU ran the ball that late in the game. They felt the Bucks should have taken a knee.
Maynard: Or you could have tackled him.
Dysert: Growing up in Ohio, I’m pretty familiar with the OSU tradition. That late touchdown was Urban Meyer’s “because they wouldn’t let me go for three” moment. Here’s what happened --it was Coach Meyer channeling his inner Woody Hayes. In other words—2012 reached out and shook hands with 1968. And you better get used to it. But don’t take my word for it, heed the advice of Sports Illustrated’s Andy Staples, who in a story last week about Coach Meyer’s impact on the league, wrote a simple, four word prediction for the Big Ten—you are completely screwed.
Moderator: With that image fresh in our minds, it’s time to introduce this week’s guests. They are Cameron Coffman a 6’2” 190 lb. sophomore and Nate Sudfeld, a 6’5” 220 lb. freshman. According to Indiana Head Coach Kevin Wilson, both will see action as the Hoosiers try to find a permanent replacement for injured starter, Tre Roberson who is out with a broken leg. The Hoosiers host the Buckeyes in a Prime Time game Saturday night. Cam and Nate, welcome to the Opposing Quarterbacks Club.
Coffman: Pleased to be here sir. Thank you for the invitation.
Martinez: Pleased to be here? Nobody is pleased to be here.
Coffman: I am pleased to be here. I spoke to an Indiana Alumni group earlier in the week and there weren’t as many people there as there are here.
Bortles: You guys are going to play against Ohio State? You both look like you’re 12 years old and according to the bio the moderator passed out, you both have about a minute and a half of experience.
Maxwell: Cam played very well against us.
Maynard: That probably says more about your Michigan State team than him.
Moderator: So far this season Cam has taken more snaps than Nate, but both have played in most of Indiana’s games. Cam Coffman has completed more than 67% of his passes going 86-128 with six touchdowns and just one interception. Nate is also over 65% in completions and he’s thrown 3 TD’s. The Hoosiers rank second in the conference is passing offense averaging over 274 yards per game.
Dysert: Where do they rank defensively?
Moderator: That’s been the Hoosier’s problem. They are last in the Big 10 in total defense giving up more than 557 yards per game. That’s 120 more yards per game than the 11th ranked team, Northwestern.
Maynard: Those are not the kind of numbers you point to with a lot of pride. How are you guys going to attack the Bucks?
Coffman: Our running game is starting to come around and our goal is to try and keep the Buckeyes off-balance. Throw when they expect us to pass, pass when they expect a run. I know we can’t turn the ball over and we have to make positive yardage on first down.
Bortles: So where are you guys from?
Sudfeld: I’m from Modesto, California.
Coffman: And I’m from Peculiar, Missouri.
Perry: I agree Missouri is weird but I wouldn’t call it peculiar.
Coffman: No, that’s the name of town where I grew up, Peculiar, Missouri.
Brown: Really? Peculiar, Missouri? Is that near “Isn’tthatweird” or “Whowouldathunk” Missouri?
Coffman: We get that a lot. But the town has fun with the name. In fact our motto is “where the “odds” are with you”. Get it? The “odds”?
Maynard: Oh Lord, he’s young and folksy. Not exactly the top two traits you want in a QB facing Ohio State.
Dysert: Indeed. A runner and a thrower? Yes. A combination of brains and brawn? Yes. But young and folksy is what you want working the cash register of your local hardware store not staring down Hankins, Williams, Shazier and the rest of that defense.
Perry: Plus since Indiana is 6-35 in its’ last 41 Big 10 games, “odds” are you don’t have a chance of winning.
Maxwell: I can tell you first hand, you can’t take IU lightly. We really had to battle to come of Bloomington with a W. They played tough and their crowd was into it.
Maynard: If Nebraska is the Big 10’s “best guest”, than Indiana is by far and away, the “best host”. This will feel like a home game for OSU because they’ll have 20 or 30 times the number of fans in the stands than the Hoosiers will. The only role the Indiana fans will have on Saturday night is to be the “I” in the “O-H-I-O” cheer that will wash across the stadium. By the way Maxwell, I watched a tape of your game last week, were those Indiana fans or your Michigan State fans that attended the game dressed as empty seats?
Coffman: We are expecting a full house Saturday. School officials have added auxiliary and shuttle parking options to accommodate the fans.
Maynard: Dude, that’s for their fans, not your fans. Your fans are selling their seats like a day trader watching Mad Money on CNBC. They can get enough money to pay for their season tickets and stay at home and watch the game on TV.
Martinez: It’s a bye week for us, so I’ll be in Bloomington this weekend.
Sudfeld: You’re coming to the game?
Martinez: Absolutely not, but I will be at the Bluebird in Bloomington on Friday night to see Here Come the Mummies in concert. Two shows this weekend. Friday night in Bloomington and Sunday in back home in Lincoln. They are an awesome band and they’ll help me get my funk back .
Dysert: Yep, because John Simon knocked the funk out of you last Saturday night.
Moderator: Saturday’s meeting will mark the 86th time Ohio State and Indiana have played. The Bucks lead the series 68-12-5
Bortles: 68-12-5?!?! OSU wins 80% of the time they play Indiana?
Moderator: Yes, and of the 12 wins IU owns over Ohio State, half of them came before 1925. In fact, in the past 54 meetings with the Buckeyes, Indiana is 2-48-2.
Bortles: Why are we wasting time talking to these guys? Just give them their damn jackets and initiate them now. We don’t need to wait a week to see what happens, there is NO WAY the Bucks lose to these guys. I guarantee it. Do the math. Ohio State is getting better every week and the Hoosiers suck.
Coffman: We’ve had a great week of practice and I’m looking for the Cream and Crimson to rise to the top.
Maynard: And I think you’re looking at the world through Cody Zeller colored glasses because anything and everything Crimson is going to get creamed Saturday night.
Moderator: Gentlemen, that is all the time we have for today. As they say in Indiana, thanks for stopping by and we’ll see each of you next week. We are officially adjourned.