Opposing Quarterbacks Club
By John Kreinbihl
It’s rivalry week and throughout the land it doesn’t take much to stir the emotions of folks on either side of one. As I headed over to the Club, the doorman asked me if I was interested in getting in for this week’s session. Feeding off the rivalry opportunity, I told him no, that I was headed over to the Opposing Linebackers Club meeting instead. He reacted exactly as I anticipated--as if I’d set his Grandmother’s canary on fire--and went into a rant about how second class the OLbC was and how their facilities were substandard, how they lacked tradition, how they were formed without a written constitution and that they microwave their food. With a faux look of shock and disgust on my face, I asked if he’d forgive me. You could see him swell with pride as he told me, “if you want to see how a real Club is run, step inside”. I did, and getting the microphones in place was a snap.
Here is the transcript from the meeting:
Moderator: Good afternoon everyone and welcome to this week’s meeting of the Opposing Quarterbacks Club. For most of you this weekend marks the end of the regular season and what a wild ride it has been. Upsets, close calls and game changing plays have been the rule of order. It’s been a special year where expecting the unexpected has been a successful strategy with one glaring exception—right here at the Opposing Quarterbacks Club. Eleven times challengers were faced with the opportunity to beat the Buckeyes and eleven times the challenger failed. Each week, each of you returned, exactly as planned…
Dysert: Mr. Moderator, can I tell you how incredible bored I am? I’m bored with the Buckeyes always winning. Look, I know I got this ball rolling and while I’m a bit disappointed in the RedHawks season to date, I knew we had no chance of beating the Buckeyes. I resigned myself to coming here each week but I never thought EVERY OTHER QB would return too. Week after week, story after story, how this team is going to do that to beat OSU and how the Buckeyes won’t be able to deal with their team’s strengths and skills only to return to be inducted the following week and shrugging, well that didn’t work. I can’t believe at some point this year we didn’t go all Clint Eastwood and talk to an empty chair, but no, every chair was filled every week from Bortles to the Wisky Cheesehead this week, different story, same results. Bored, bored, bored. Yawn…11-0… ho…hum….
Bortles: As you said, you started this. Remember the speed of the team is determined by the speed of the leader and we all look to you as our leader.
Maynard: I’m not in the Dysert as leader camp. He was merely first. When it comes to leadership, I put Dysert in the Custer category. You know General Georgie, maybe the whole hammer and anvil strategy isn’t the best option when you’re outnumbered by a billion to one.
Perry: Well we certainly can’t look to you as a leader Zach. Your skills got your Coach fired this week. Very exemplary.
Martinez: I can see were Dysert is coming from, I’m not bored but I understand his position.
Moderator: Perhaps it’s the realization that in a way you’re all part of a special season this year.
Brown: In the list of adjectives I used to describe my time here, “special” wouldn’t make the cut.
Maxwell: Would ridonkulous?
Moderator: Gentlemen, if I may, I’d like to get us back on track. We have a lot to cover at today’s meeting and the direction of the conversation is somewhere I don’t want to go. Can I take the roll call so the meeting minutes can accurately reflect the proceedings? Zac Dysert?
Dysert: Bored, but here.
Moderator: Blake Bortles, Jonathon Perry and Austin Brown?
Perry: All here.
Moderator: Maynard, Martinez, Maxwell and McGloin?
McGloin: All M’s present and accounted for, sir.
Moderator: Coffman, Sudfeld, TerBush and Sheelhaase?
Scheelhaase: We’re all here.
Moderator: And finally, our newest member, Curt Phillips?
Phillips: I’m here too.
Maxwell: Awesome game Phillips. You led your team to a trying touchdown late in the game and then went on to lose in overtime. Sort of a reverse TerBush. You scored at the very end and then lost in OT rather than allowing OSU to score late to tie the game and then win in overtime as TerBush and Purdue did.
Phillips: I was pleased with the way I played but disappointed in the outcome.
Martinez: I have to give you credit. I never thought you’d hold your own against the Bucks. I have to tip my hat to your efforts. It was a “third down game” and your defense continually won on third down forcing OSU to punt and offensively, you converted third down—and a couple of fourth downs—well with the exception of your overtime possession.
Phillips: The play of the game was the pass break-up on 4th down in OT.
Coffman: Actually, this was the play of the game:
Coffman: If, your right tackle, Frederick, #72 doesn’t grab Christian Bryant’s jersey, it’s a touchdown for the Buckeyes because the only two players between him and the goal line were Pederson the tight end, who was blocked by C.J. Barnett and you. And there was no way you would have taken him down. You would have had a better chance of killing a bear with a spork than tackling Bryant. And his TD would have made it 21-7 with about three minutes to play. #72 saved your entire team with a heads-up play.
Sudfeld: And did you know that if Montee Ball had scored on that play he would have set the record for most career TD’s?
Phillips: We were well aware of that.
Sudfeld: It’s odd, you’d think that would be the kind of thing that the announcers would have mentioned. Perhaps you should talk to your Sports Information folks about so they get the word out.
Phillips: He’ll get his record this week against Penn State.
McGloin: I wouldn’t be so sure about that.
TerBush: Matt, your Moxie is mouthing off again. Ball will score his TD before you take the field.
Scheelhaase: The other story line from the game was “Simon says no way”. Four sacks and all in critical situations. You were the chum to his shark and he was after blood on every play.
Martinez: And now Simon says, put on your jacket because you’re officially a member of the OQbC.
Maynard: Hey, I have a question for the Big 10 guys. What do you make of the expansion with the addition of Maryland and Rutgers?
Dysert: As a non-Big Ten guy, I think they just cloned Iowa and Minnesota. Two mediocre football teams in the mix.
Bortles: I’m sure the Big 10 brass told Maryland they may join the league under one condition—the goofey ass uniforms have to go. Freddie Mercury could dress in a flag but that won’t fly in big boy football.
Perry: Have you guys heard anything about conference realignment?
Maxwell: Since red is the featured color for both Maryland and Rutgers, that means six teams—OSU, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Indiana, Maryland and Rutgers wear red. I’d put those teams in one division—along with Minnesota because maroon is basically red—and call them the “Red Guys”. The other division would be the teams that don’t wear red or the “Rest”. You’d still have the rivalry opportunities with OSU-Michigan, Indiana-Purdue, etc., in cross-divisional games.
Sudfeld: Plus, Michigan could easily adjust their fight song to the new divisions. You know, “Hail, hail to Mishigas, the Champions of the Rest”.
Sudfeld: Yes, it’s Yiddish for craziness. That’s what we call the Maize and Blue.
TerBush: I like that. Can I use it?
Sudfeld: You’d be a shlemil not to.
Moderator: Since the topic of conversation is Michigan, it’s time to introduce today’s guests. We are joined this afternoon by Junior Quarterback/Wide Receiver Devon Gardner and Senior Quarterback/Whoknowswhat Denard Robinson, both are expected to take snaps against the Buckeyes on Saturday. According to the official depth chart from the Michigan press release Robinson is listed as the starter but he’s had elbow problems and some people question his ability to grip and throw the ball.
Maxwell: Haven’t folks questioned his ability to throw since he first got there?
Coffman: That’s so typical of the Weasels. Trying to make a story of who is going to play QB. It’s possible Denard has healed but as I watched the film from their game against Iowa last week, Robinson held the ball in his left hand—whether we ran right or left—so that’s leads me to believe his right arm, isn’t right yet.
Martinez: I know one guy who won’t play QB and that’s Bellomy, the kid who played against us. He was brutal.
McGloin: Amen, brother. He was so bad he made Sam McGuffie look like Jim Thorpe.
Moderator: Devon and Denard, welcome to the Opposing Quarterbacks Club.
Gardner: I think you mean Denard specifically. I’ll be playing wide receiver on Saturday.
Scheelhaase: Do you really think we are buying this stuff?
Robinson: All we can tell you is I’ve been taking snaps at practice.
TerBush: QB draws and option reads I’m sure.
Robinson: There’s no need to try and fool Ohio State, we know we are a tough match-up for their defense and we know what’s at stake. They’re undefeated, it’s the biggest rivalry game in college football…
Coffman: OSU-Michigan bigger than IU-Purdue?
Robinson: Did they make a documentary about the Hoosiers and the Boilermakers? Plus we know we have the chance to make our mark in Michigan history with a win on Saturday.
Martinez: You won’t be fooling anybody. We know, the fans know and most importantly, Coach Meyer knows you’re going to go with the whole two-headed quarterback monster thing. You’ll try the quarterback to quarterback double or triple pass; an octuple reverse; quarterback screen and all that nonsense but it won’t work.
Dysert: Taylor’s right, you guys are going to try and make this out to be some sort of QB Freak show. I can hear the carnival barker now, “step right up folks and see something you won’t believe, it’s Devon and Denard the dual-threat quarterback connected at the hip, they’re alive… they’re inside… and they’re only 25 cents”.
Gardner: Laugh if you want, but we’ll give the Buckeyes looks they haven’t seen and we think OSU will be totally unprepared for what we’ll unleash on Saturday.
Maxwell: Are you serious?!?! I have to think Coach Meyer has been in rare form all week. Do you think he’ll be a little amped up for this game? I imagine he stood in front of his team and screamed about how they let a quarterback from Wisconsin with all the experience of a kindergartener take them to the brink of losing an undefeated season.
Phillips: Kindergartener? You know I’m sitting here, right?
Maxwell: Coach Meyer told Mickey Marotti to run these guys from Columbus to Uranus and back. He’ll have the Bucks pushed to the limit in preparation for you guys. They are one win away from finishing 12-0. This is more than their bowl game this year and more than just the biggest rivalry game in college football, this is an opportunity to show not just the state of Ohio and the state of Michigan, but the entire college football universe that “Urban Renewal” has arrived.
TerBush: All season long he’s talked about the best thing about being “whatever and oh” is the chance to be the “next number and oh”. But the best thing about being twelve and oh will be the fact that beating Michigan made it happen.
Robinson: Coach Hoke has a long history with the game as well and we’ll be more than ready.
Bortles: Here’s my guess of what you should be ready for, I think you’ll see a different defense from Ohio State this week. I expect them to play a lot less zone coverage, man you guys up, and bring constant pressure. I think you’ll see blitz packages—and not ones that Coach Meyer developed with your defensive coordinator when they were together at Florida—but ones nobody has seen. Once the bowl ban was announced and the shock wore off, Coach Meyer set his sights on one objective, making sure the state of Ohio knows you guys are still their bitch. They will come in waves and they will come from all angles. You won’t have time to think, let alone make plays. You can acknowledge my brilliance when you come back next week.
Robinson: They won’t be any Michigan players here next week. I guarantee it.
Bortles: Well, we’re so sure there will be, we’ve made plans to host to the entire team. We even have a theme, “to hell with the Victors”. It’s like a champions dinner. We’ll eat and you guys will cook and serve the meal.
McGloin: I can’t wait for next week. Denard, a little more water here, please? Say Gardner, can you bring me a clean fork and another bucket of gravy? Good times.
Moderator: Gentlemen, that is all the time we have for today. Good luck in your games and we’ll see you back here at the same time next week. We are officially adjourned.