Opposing Quarterbacks Club
By John Kreinbihl
Sometimes, things just work out, well, perfectly. On the day of the last Club Meeting of the year, the weather was perfect. The sausage, bacon, ham, cheese, mushroom, and pizza omelet I had at the Gluttony Grotto for breakfast was cooked to perfection. I found the perfect parking spot and as I approached the Club, the Doorman was busy showing a group of school kids the proper way to hail a cab. It was the perfect diversion I needed to sneak in and hide the microphones.
Here is the transcript from the meeting:
Moderator: Gentlemen, welcome to this week’s meeting of the Opposing Quarterbacks Club. Today is a special day indeed. It’s rare when we have undefeated seasons and induct as many members as we will this year. Obviously with our experience, we do more than a fair job of forecasting membership each year, but this year is so unique we’ll actually welcome more members that we planned. We knew 12 were a possibility and bet that 13 or 14 would be the maximum number of members and we fell one short. The official count is 15 and 15 might match the most quarterbacks ever enshrined in one year. You are to be congratulated for your efforts. You’re part of history here and it’s the perfect finish to a perfect year. I’ll start today’s proceedings with the final roll call of the year. Without further ado, here are your 2012 Opposing Quarterbacks Club members. From Miami of Ohio, Zac Dysert?
Moderator: From the University of Central Florida, Blake Bortles?
Moderator: From the University of California Berkley, Zach Maynard?
Maynard: Here, too.
Moderator: From the University of Alabama Birmingham, Jonathon Perry and Austin Brown?
Brown: We’re both here.
Moderator: From Michigan State University, Andrew Maxwell?
Maxwell: I’m here.
Bortles: Atta boy Bang, Bang Maxwell Silver Hammer….
Moderator: From the University of Nebraska, Taylor Martinez?
Martinez: Si, Senor.
Moderator: From Indiana University, Cameron Coffman and Nate Sudfeld?
Coffman: Both here.
Moderator: From Purdue University, Caleb TerBush?
Perry: Shouldn’t that be TerHere?
Moderator: From Penn State University, Matt McGloin?
Maynard, Maxwell, Brown & Martinez: Moxie!!...Moxie!!...Moxie!!...Mox…ie!!!
Moderator: From the University of Illinois, Nathan Sheelhaase?
Moderator: From the University of Wisconsin, Curt Phillips?
Phillips: I’m here.
Moderator: And finally, from the University of Michigan, Devin Gardner and Denard Robinson?
Robinson: We’re here.
All the Members except Gardner & Robinson (singing): “Fail to the loser weasels, fail to the succom’ng scumbags, fail, fail to Meatchicken, the Legends second best”.
Gardner: Really? You guys are ripping on one of the greatest traditions in college football?
Dysert: Only because you so proudly carried the Michigan banner last Saturday. What did you get, sixty yards in the second half? You never crossed mid-field!! You represent Michigan football? Really?
Bortles: That fight song was written for the great “point-a-minute” Michigan teams of the early 1900’s. The offense you guys led—especially in the second half--was more like a “point-a-year”.
Brown: The official stats indicate you gained 57 yards in the second half. That’s 171 feet. At that rate, it’s probably more like a “point-a-decade”.
Scheelhaase: Or in baseball terms, for the entire second half, you generated enough offense to round first base and get thrown out nine feet short of second base.
TerBush: Interestingly, McGloin had a date Saturday night and he got thrown out about nine feet short of second base too.
Robinson: We just didn’t make enough big plays.
Coffman: No, with the exception of one long TD pass and one long TD run, you guys didn’t make any plays!!
Martinez: And Gardner, Boren’s sack of you in the 4th quarter is without a doubt my favorite play of the year. I’m sure you’ve seen a photo of it and I’m guessing it’s now the desktop picture on computers of Buckeye fans all over the world, but to me it’s the perfect image of both your game and the future of Ohio State football. I call it, “how do you like me now?”
Sudfeld: Your third touchdown was a gift following a muffed punt and you were barely able to break the goal line on that effort.
Maynard: And every third and short or fourth and short situation you faced, you tried running a little guy up the middle. Vincent Smith, Shoelaces, Warwick Davis, an Oompa Loompa here, an Oompa Loompa there, it didn’t matter. Failed every time. It was like your entire playbook was written on a Post-It note.
Brown: I did like how Coach Hoke was wearing short sleeves trying to channel his inner Woody…
Phillips: That’s inner Woody, not Woody inner, right?
Brown: Yes, inner Woody, as if he was trying to do his best Coach Hayes impersonation. I hope he keeps doing that and at some point adds a Block M cap because it will be cool to watch him go crazy during a game and start eating the hat.
Moderator: Austin, I watched Coach Hayes, and Brady Hoke is no Woody Hayes.
Maxwell: What I noticed is how these two teams are going in different directions. Coach Hoke put you guys in charge of an eleven-win team from a year ago and you’ve led it to 8 wins so far this year. That’s three fewer wins and Michigan fans call that improvement.
Robinson: We had to play at Notre Dame, at Nebraska and at Ohio State. No other team had to play that schedule.
Dysert: And no other team got to host UMass, Illinois and Iowa either.
TerBush: Right now you have the same record as Penn State and no other team had to go through what they did.
McGloin: Yeah, we had a coaching change, we lost 12 or 13 guys from last year’s 8-4 team and we matched that. I’d say that’s pretty impressive.
Maxwell: Ohio State had a coaching change, lost 15 players from a 6-7 team and went 12-0, but those aren’t the kind of numbers that mean anything to guys like you.
Martinez: Denard, your spot in Michigan history will be interesting. You scored a lot of touchdowns and gained a lot of yards, but to date you’re only 31-19 in your four years and that includes a 1-3 mark against the Buckeyes. And that is the most important measure to Michigan fans.
Bortles: And Devin, I see Michigan is looking into another year of eligibility for you. If I was you, I ‘d look at what Coach Meyer and the Buckeyes are putting together, say no thanks and get on with your life’s work. If you stay and play QB, you’ll be back here next year.
Gardner: Maybe I’ll use that as inspiration for next year.
Perry: Either that or play wide receiver and let someone else show up and take the blame.
Moderator: Gentlemen, with the Buckeyes season complete, we don’t have a guest this week so I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for your dedication to the Club this year. As a keen observer of college football, I think we need to get used to having a full house in the coming years. What Coach Meyer and the Buckeyes did this year was exceptional.
Dysert: Ohio State’s “Urban Renewal Program” is under way and the other teams in the Big 10 better watch out. Members of the media have tried to warn you about what might happen. This was a good, but not a great team. As Coach Meyer gets more time with his new coaching staff and the personnel they have and they recruit the type of players he wants to run his offense and defense, then, hang on kids, because they will take no prisoners.
Bortles: Zac is right, this was supposed to be an exploratory season for Coach Meyer. Let’s see what kind of staff we can put together; let’s see who wants to play and who wants to quit; let’s see how fast we are; how strong we are, how deep we are; and how we’ll compete with the teams on our schedule. Early on, a lot of the answers they found were not good, but he rallied his guys and made the necessary moves, like a tight end playing tackle, a fullback playing linebacker, freshman seeing significant playing time and when the dust settled, they beat everyone they played. I could say we should have beaten them. Most of us could say that, but none of us did.
Moderator: Bum Phillips, the great Houston Oilers Coach once said Don Shula was the best coach he’d seen because, and I quote, "He can take his'n and beat your'n and take your'n and beat his'n." I believe that applies to Coach Meyer as well. In his first year in the league he achieved perfection, now he’ll want to dial things up go for domination.
McGloin: 12 wins in 2012 and I wouldn’t be surprised if they got at least 13 in 2013.
Moderator: Devin and Denard, the other members have something for you.
Bortles: Gardner, if you’ll step over here, I’ll present you with your OQbC jacket.
Maynard: And Denard, if you’ll come over here we have a bapron for you.
Robinson: What’s a bapron?
Maynard: Well, as the Moderator mentioned, there was one more member than expected this year so they were one jacket short. They planned on ordering you one but because you do the “gotta eat”; “our turn to eat”; “feed me”, or “the-whatever-you-call-it-spoon-thing”, we created something just for you. Bigger than a bib, but smaller than an apron, a bapron, made all the sense in the world to us.
Scheelhaase: And look, it even has the OQbC emblem in the middle.
Phillips: And you can use it now because we had the Chef here at the Club bake a special dessert for you two. A dessert that perfectly defines your efforts last week. Chef Ralph, would you please bring Devin and Denard, their dessert?
Maynard: Look piping hot and fresh from the oven, it’s four turnovers!!
TerBush: That is awesome!! Dig in boys.
Moderator: Gentlemen, that is all the time we have for today and for 2012. It’s been great and thanks for your participation. We hope to be back same time, same place, next year. We are officially adjourned.