The Opposing Quarterbacks Club
By John Kreinbihl
For Homecoming Weekend, Will We be Shucking the Huskers, Husking the Shuckers or Just Playing Cornhole?
It’s Homecoming Week and that meant access to the Club was going to be easier than most weeks because the doorman is in charge of the OQbC float for the Homecoming Parade. And when I say “in charge”, I mean it’s a committee of one and when I say “float”, it’s really a Radio Flyer wagon. Regardless of the official Homecoming theme, the doorman’s float is always the same. It’s him dressed as Wes Fesler sitting in the wagon spraying the crowd with Silly String. “Crossing Generations” is what he calls it and if he spent every minute of every day for two years making the float perfect, it would be much worse than the vision you currently have in your head.
Anyway, because I told him I’d kick in two cans of Silly String he allowed me to hide the microphones.
Here is the transcript form the meeting:
Moderator: Gentlemen, welcome to this week’s meeting of the Opposing Quarterback’s Club. We have a lot to cover today so we’ll begin with the roll call. Dysert?
Maynard: I’m here.
Moderator: Perry & Brown:
Perry: We’re here.
Moderator: And finally, Andrew Maxwell
Maxwell: Yes sir.
Moderator: Before we go any further, I want to recognize Zac Dysert. Zac set a FBS record on Saturday as Miami beat Akron by becoming the first player to pass for more than 500 yards and rush for more that 100 yards in a single game. Congratulations!
<Cheers from all the members>
Dysert: Thanks. I appreciate it.
Maynard: Zac, does Akron have a Club that you have to attend?
Dysert: Yes, but it’s different than this one. At Akron’s meeting, they ask you questions like, “what do you call that thing where you throw to ball to another player?”
Bortles: Over 600 yards in one game is impressive. That’s probably 10 times the number of yards Perry gets the rest of the year.
Maynard: Yeah Jonathon, I noticed in the box score from your game against Tulsa that you didn’t play. Brown took all the snaps.
Bortles: I saw that too. Maybe Perry ought to stand over by the wall, put on a headset and signal answers in to Brown.
Perry: Coach McGee says we’re still a two-quarterback team.
Dysert: Let me help you here. If you get pulled after one quarter against the Buckeyes and don’t play at all the next game, then the two-quarterback train has left the station.
Brown: I’m all aboard.
Bortles: I thought you’d be as stiff as a board. Tulsa sacked you 7 times. Getting sacked 7 times by Tulsa is like getting your ass kicked by broccoli.
Brown: Maynard got sacked 7 times too.
Bortles: Par for the course for Zach. His offensive line is to pass-blocking as a chain link fence is to flood control. Six sacks against OSU, 9 by USC the next week and 7 by Arizona State this past weekend, that’s 22 over the past three weeks. By the way Zach, did ASU Coach Todd Graham stay for the whole game or did he leave in the third quarter to take another job?
Maynard: I didn’t pay any attention to what was happening on the ASU sideline.
Brown: Maybe that’s why they beat you 27-17.
Bortles: No, I think Zach’s 9 for 28 passing day had more to do with it than ASU sideline activity.
Dysert: Graham used to coach Tulsa a team that sacked Brown 7 times and now he coaches ASU which got Maynard 7 times, it’s like seven degrees of Todd Graham. Eerie.
Moderator: I have a question for our newest member. Andrew, what did you take away from your game against the Buckeyes?
Maxwell: We needed to play better offensively. We were too inconsistent and didn’t make enough plays to win. Our defense kept us in the game but we settled for field goals instead of touchdowns. They only scored 17 points and that shouldn’t be enough to beat us.
Maynard: I saw consistency in your offense. Your receivers consistently dropped catchable throws, and when you ran the ball, you got one yard every time.
Brown: You played them at home, they turned the ball over three times and you lost. I think your takeaway would be you guys aren’t very good.
Maxwell: It’s disappointing, but it’s just one game. We’ll still make noise in the Big 10 and our goal of playing in the Championship game is still intact.
Dysert: You guys obviously watched film from our games against the Bucks and you used the same approach—try and spread the field, work the middle and the seams and hope for the big play. Didn’t you see on film that it wouldn’t work? I mean, that’s why we’re all here.
Maxwell: We may have deviated from our game plan a bit but they took the running game away from us and forced us to pass. Personally, it was a pretty good game for me. I threw for over 260 yards and a TD.
Dysert: “Pretty good” doesn’t keep you out of this place.
Bortles: And only beating teams like Boise State and “directional Michigans” proves you deserve to be here.
Maxwell: We play Indiana this week so we’ll get back on track and back in the Big 10 race.
Maynard: Normally, I’d say that was a bit of an over-confident statement, but since the word Indiana is Shawnee for “willing to get beat”, you’re probably right.
Moderator: At this point I’d like to introduce our guest for this week. He is Taylor Martinez, a 6’ 1” 200 lb. Jr. quarterback for the University of Nebraska. He’ll lead his Cornhuskers into Ohio Stadium for a Prime Time match-up against Ohio State. As was the case last week, this game features two ranked teams and will be the showcase game for college football on Saturday. Nebraska, the newest member of the Big 10 will make its’ first visit to Ohio Stadium since the 1950’s. Welcome Taylor.
Martinez: Uh, thanks?
Moderator: Taylor and the high-powered Huskers are one of the Big 10’s top offenses and will be a big test for the Buckeyes.
Martinez: We’re a multi-formation offense. We’ve had success running and throwing the ball and we bring a lot of tradition to the Big 10.
Bortles: I can’t believe this is your second year in the Big 10, so much as changed since you joined the conference—Barack Obama was President, unemployment and housing foreclosures were at record levels, the Pittsburgh Pirates had a losing season and Dancing with the Stars was a top-rated TV show. It’s like opening a time capsule.
Martinez: It’s only been two years but we’ve made a big impression on the league. Teams realize we’re a force to be reckoned with.
Brown: One impression I’ve noticed is that you guys are great guests. Your first visit to Wisconsin resulted in a 48-17 loss and your in your first trip to Michigan you lost 45-17. Now you visit Ohio Stadium. For homecoming. Any guess what this score might be?
Bortles: I’ll go with a couple hundred to seventeen.
Martinez: That’s ridiculous.
Maxwell: Martinez is right, there’s no way his team will score 17 points.
Moderator: Since Nebraska is new to the Big 10, I thought I’d share a few “Nebraska Facts” with you all. Did you know the worlds’ largest porch swing is located in Hebron, Nebraska and that it can sit 25 adults? Did you know Kool-Aid, the Rueben sandwich, Boys Town and Arbor Day were all created in Nebraska? Nebraska has more miles of river than any other state. And the 911 system of emergency, now used nationwide was developed and first used in Lincoln, Nebraska.
Brown: I wonder what the first 911 call was.
Dysert: Probably something like, “Help, I’m in Lincoln, Nebraska. Get me the hell out of here!!”
Moderator: Two more fun facts. Spam is produced in Fremont, Nebraska and Kearney, Nebraska is located exactly between Boston and San Francisco.
Bortles: Do you think that’s on the road sign in Kearney?
Maynard: No. It probably just reads “Welcome to Nowhere”.
Dysert: Here’s one I found. In Blue Hill, Nebraska, no female wearing a “hat that would scare a timid person” can be seen eating onions in public.
Brown: No way. That’s total BS.
Dysert: Search for yourself. Google will retrieve some things you won’t believe.
Martinez: Excuse me, can we get back to football so I can figure out why I’m here? I was under the impression that you guys were supposed to help me pick up a few things in preparation for our game this week.
Bortles: Here’s one thing you’ll pick up this week—your mouth guard after John Simon hits you.
Martinez: I don’t wear a mouth guard.
Bortles: Oh, then you’ll be picking up your incisors .
Martinez: We’re an option team and I think our combination of power and speed will be too tough for OSU to handle. Between Rex Burkhead and me, we’re averaging about 150 rushing yards per game.
Maxwell: We were averaging over 200 rushing yards per game. Le’Veon Bell was averaging 152 yards per game on his own and last Saturday he ran 17 times for 45 yards. As a team we had 34 yards rushing. 34 yards. On 22 carries. Averaged 200 going in, got 34. Are you picking up anything here?
Dysert: Maxwell is right Taylor. Guys like Hankins, Simon, Shazier, and Williams make running the ball difficult. Holes that were there against Idaho State, won’t be there against Ohio State.
Martinez: We’ve had a lot of success throwing the ball too.
Maxwell: I will say this for you Martinez. As I watched tape of you guys in preparation for our game in a couple of weeks, I did notice your throwing motion has really improved. The last two years when you threw the ball, it looked like a giraffe falling down a flight of stairs--arms and legs going everywhere, the ball fluttering end-over-end, not a pretty sight.
Martinez: I did spend a lot of time on my mechanics and it’s helped me improve my accuracy. I think I have at 68% completion percentage and I’ve thrown for over 1,000 yards with 11 TD’s and only one interception.
Bortles: Hey look, Perry is signaling in a question for Brown.
Brown: Defensively, what your plan to stop Braxton Miller and the Bucks offense?
Martinez: I think we have two things in our favor. First, Coach Pelini knows about Ohio State and what to expect, and second, our defensive scheme is unique. We’re a two-gap defense and our DB’s play aggressive. We’ll give Miller looks he hasn’t seen before and that will make his reads more difficult. Plus their blocking tendencies will have to change this week. The “Black Shirts” are a Nebraska trademark.
Maynard: I think your gap theory is overrated. I don’t care if you go one gap, two gap or bring a busload of sales associates from The Gap, you won’t stop Miller. Whatever gap he’s headed toward, when you go to fill it, “za-zing!!”, he’s gone. He can make defenders not only miss tackles, but look foolish doing it.
Maxwell: Plus, he’s as tough as nails. We thought we knocked him out of the game twice but he came back and went crazy. We’re the #1 team in the Big 10 in total defense, giving up 277 yards/game and Miller went for 315 against us. I’m guessing your “Black Shirts” may also have brown pants by the time Miller is through with them.
Martinez: I’m confident in our abilities and I’m confident we’ll win.
Bortles: And we’re confident you won’t.
Moderator: Our time is up for today gentlemen. Thank you for attending and good luck in your games this week. We are officially adjourned.