Opposing Quarterback Club
By John Kreinbihl
Pre-Game, Quick Cals; In-Game, Quash Cal
As I headed over to the location of the Opposing Quarterbacks Club Meeting, I noticed a “larger than normal” figure outside the door. The security guard looked like a tank with arms. He was the kind of guy who has a closet full of “Gun Show Tickets” T-shirts and as a rule, these oafs are easily distracted by two things—mirrors and great value. Fortunately for me, I had a coupon for a “Buy One, Get One” Ollie Burger at Lum’s and when I said it was his, I was in.
Here is the transcript from the meeting…
Moderator: Good afternoon and welcome to this week’s meeting of the Opposing Quarterbacks Club. I’ll take roll call. Zac Dysert?
Moderator: Blake Bortles?
Bortles: I’m here.
Dysert: What a surprise. You were so sure you were “one and done”. Turns out it’ll be more like “eleven in heaven”. Make yourself comfortable because you’re in for the long haul.
Bortles: I had the Bucks on the ropes. It was tied at 10 late in the second quarter. They got a score right before halftime and then opened the third with a TD, but we were in the game all the way. I was 25-41 for just under 250 yards and two TD’s. I graded a winning performance after watching the film.
Dysert: But the three picks, meant a losing effort and that’s why you’re here.
Moderator: Zac is right Blake, the walls of this place are filled with photos of “I played pretty well” guys. The only measure of success here is winning and you didn’t. Smile and say cheese.
Moderator: Oh, that’s a good picture, we’ll get it framed and up on the wall later this week.
Dysert: Hey Bortles, there’s a guy on your team named Jose Jose. That can’t be his real name. That’s the kind of name you give a guy who’s using his 7th year of eligibility.
Bortles: No, that’s his real name. He comes from a long line of Joses. He’s one of our top defensive players. We call him “Echo”, Jose Jose Jose Jose…
Dysert: In looking at the stat sheet, I see Jose Jose had no tackles had no assisted tackles.
Bortles: He clogs up the middle and makes it tough to run against us.
Dysert: And his efforts held the Buckeyes to only 256 yards rushing and 5.0 yards per carry. Domination, baby. And the Bucks didn’t punt until 8:45 of the fourth quarter. You guys sure stopped them cold.
Moderator: Our guest today, quarterback Zach Maynard, comes to us from the University of California Berkeley. The Golden Bears will be in Columbus to take on the Buckeyes. As you may know, UC Berkeley is one of the nation’s most prestigious universities. Here are a few contributions to society that Cal has made—the atomic bomb; the cyclotron; Vitamin E and Vitamin K; the Sierra Club; Carbon-14;
Bortles: Carbon 14, that’s funny. It sounds like a partial score Carbon 14
Dysert: UCF 3.
Moderator: Actually Blake, Carbon-14 was discovered by California scientist Melvin Calvin and it solved the mystery of photosynthesis by tracing the pathways plants use sunlight to convert carbon dioxide to carbohydrates. Calvin found that carbon-14 can be used as a molecular tracer and used it to reveal the path of carbon as it travels through a plant. He later won a Nobel Prize in Chemistry for his efforts.
Bortles: I have no idea what you just said.
Dysert: That’s because you don’t know what the “C” in UCF stands for.
Bortles: Duh, Coastal.
Dysert: Wow. Just wow.
Moderator: Additionally educators and researchers at UC Berkeley gave us great advances in computer technology and the polio virus; insight on HDL and LDL and their role in heart disease; wetsuits, fruit cocktail;
Dysert: Fruit Cocktail? Seriously? They make a big deal about inventing fruit cocktail? I’m pretty sure Jell-O shots were developed at Miami, but we don’t go putting it into brochures about the university.
Moderator: Cal also claims No-Fault Divorce as a discovery. Herma Hill Kay, a law school faculty member, helped draft California’s 1970 no-fault divorce law eliminating the need to place blame on a spouse for a failed marriage and makes “irreconcilable differences” sufficient grounds for divorce. On a personal note, Mrs. Moderator uses the same “no fault” theory in banking. I deposit $500, she spends $700, but it’s not her fault. “Irreconcilable balances” are the norm in our house. Finally, the University of California Berkeley gave us Rube Goldberg, the Pulitzer Prize winning cartoonist whose absurdly complex mechanisms for accomplishing simple tasks is ingrained in American culture.
Dysert: It’s fitting he went to Berkeley because the only highlight you ever see of Cal football is the whole, “squib-kick-multiple-lateral-oh-no-the-band-is-on-the-field-running-over-the-trombone-player-touchdown” against Stanford. Very Goldberg-esque.
Moderator: Zach Maynard joins us today, Zach is a 6’2”, 185 lb. sophomore quarterback for the Golden Bears. This lefty is making his third career start in their game versus OSU Saturday. In his last game he threw for 229 yards on 17 of 23 passing and a touchdown. Welcome, Zach. What can you share with us from your last game?
Maynard: It was a tight game for a while but we scored 30 points in the fourth quarter to pull away. My brother, and favorite receiver, Keenan Allen caught a 19-yard TD pass on the first play of the 4th and then returned a punt 69 yards for a score to lead us over the Southern Utah Thunderbirds.
Dysert: Southern Utah has a university? I thought Southern Utah and Northern Arizona were the same place.
Maynard: No, we played Southern Utah last week. They’re in the Big Sky Conference.
Dysert: The Big Sky conference? What’s that, a league with a bunch of directional schools like Eastern Western Wyoming State, About Halfway Between Colorado and Montana Community College and Right Over There Idaho?
Maynard: Hey man, I don’t schedule the games I just play them.
Dysert: And you said the game was close until the 4th quarter?
Maynard: We led 20-17 at the end of the third quarter. But like I said, I threw a TD to my brother and he returned a punt for a score and it was all good.
Dysert: You had your hands full with Southern Utah and now you get Ohio State? Have mercy. Bortles, I owe you an apology. I gave you a bunch of crap about preparing for OSU by playing Akron, but that seems like playing the ’85 Bears compared to Southern Utah.
Bortles: Apology accepted. Zach what have you noticed about the Buckeyes from watching film from our games?
Maynard: I think we can work the middle a lot and you both were able to use the big play as a weapon. I haven’t seen a lot of blitzing from OSU and the DB’s lead the team in tackles so the front seven seem to be controllable.
Bortles: I won’t completely disagree, but I’ll share a couple of thoughts. First, the big plays in our game and the Miami game were really more a result of poor execution or miscommunication by the Bucks then anything we did and second, Urban Meyer saw the same thing and I’m sure he wasn’t pleased at all. I’m guessing Coach Meyer had several interesting, um, conversations with his defensive players and coaches this week. It wouldn’t surprise me if the phrase “hair on fire” came up a couple of times. If I were you, I’d keep a big bucket of water nearby at all times.
Maynard: I know our offensive line is confident they can give me time and Keenan, he’s just an electric player on offense and special teams. Southern Utah was forced to double, and sometimes triple cover him and he still made big plays. Mel Kiper has him as the #2 receiver on his big board.
Dysert: I like how you used #2 and Mel Kiper in the same sentence. Very appropriate. Look, I’m sure he’s a nice player, but my mother would draw double coverage against Southern Utah.
Moderator: Remember the Buckeyes are missing two key players on the defensive line, Nathan Williams and Michael Bennett. That means freshman Adolphus Washington and Noah Spence are hungry to make a good impression on their coaches.
Bortles: And a quarterback that weighs all of 185 pounds would be delicious snack for each of them.
Maynard: I’ve only been sacked three times in our first two games.
Dysert: Who’d you play in the first game?
Maynard: We lost 31-24 to Nevada in our opener.
Dysert: That may say more about you than beating Southern Utah and beating Southern Utah said nothing positive about you and your Golden Bears. If you couldn’t beat Nevada at home, odds are you won’t beat Ohio State on the road. I got $100 dollars that says you’re here next week. Bortles?
Bortles: I’m in for $100.
Moderator: Guys, I can’t condone betting because it violates club policy, but when life lays a sure thing in your lap you load up like a sports writer at the press box buffet. I’m in for $200.
Dysert: So there you go Zach, your assignment is simple. Play your little heart out, let your wounds heal a bit, come back here next week with a smile on your face and $400 bucks in your backpack.
Moderator: That’s all the time we have. This meeting is officially adjourned. Psst, Dysert, make mine $250…