The Opposing Quarterbacks Club
By John Kreinbihl
As I was cleaning out my desk, I came across two passes to something called the Nuclear Cowboyz Freestyle Motocross Spectacular. Who or what are the Nuclear Cowboyz and how did I get the passes? I haven’t a clue. But I searched on the web and I quickly found out they have a show in town in January 2013 and I figured it might the kind of thing my dare devil doorman friend might jump at. And jump he did. Based on his reaction you would have thought I’d offered him a PowerBall jackpot. Getting in the hide the microphones was as easy as pulling off a no-handed 720.
Here is the transcript from the meeting:
Moderator: Gentlemen, welcome to this week’s meeting of the Opposing Quarterbacks Club. We are in the home stretch of the season as teams are vying for conference championships and post-season bowls. To date, the Buckeyes are undefeated and looking to add another quarterback to our roster and we’ll hear from him in a few moments, but first… what is that’s scramble in the back?
Dysert: It McGloin. He’s all up in Martinez’ face about how the refs blew the touchdown call in the Penn State-Nebraska game last Saturday.
Moderator: Martinez isn’t taking him seriously, is he?
Dysert: Not unless you consider shutting your eyes, putting your thumbs in your ears and waving your hands while repeating blah, blah, blah a sign of taking anything seriously.
Bortles: Moxie Boy has some issues. It’s as if he has two speeds, “off” and “bitching”. He thinks the whole world is out to get them but who has the heart to let him know that outside of Happy Valley nobody gives a damn about the Nittany Lions?
Moderator: Maybe we should be the ones. Matt McGloin, come over here. What in the world is going on back there?
McGloin: Martinez won’t fess up, but he knows they only won because the refs took a touchdown away from us. We never get those calls. I have a list of plays where referees decisions have cost us a score, a big play, a big stop, you name it, the Big Ten is just out to get us.
Brown: Dude, team message boards are full of conspiracy theories from over-zealous fans, but you? Really?
Maxwell: Matt, I’ll let you in on the secret. You’re right. You didn’t lose because you blew a big halftime lead—again—or because you allowed both Taylor and Ameer Abdullah to rush for over 100 yards or that your high-powered NASCAR offense settled for field goals three times in the red zone, you lost because the league doesn’t want you to win.
TerBush: Andrew is speaking the truth. Since you got here in what, 1993, your domination of the league is unparalleled. One Big Ten title in a little over a quarter of a century is “Illinoisian”. The Big Ten leadership begged you to back off and take it easy, but you brushed them aside with a mighty “We Are”, and pledged to continue to run roughshod over the league as you had with programs like Syracuse, Temple and Army.
Scheelhaase: Three consecutive third place finishes followed by three fourth place finishes, with a couple of ninth place finishes thrown in, when you think about, how much could we take? Something had to be done.
McGloin: Okay, you made your point. It was a heat of the moment thing.
Maynard: Yeah, about a week after the moment. Doesn’t carrying that crap around all the time just wear your ass out?
Moderator: I need to take the roll. I’m not sure everybody is here. Dysert?
Moderator: Bortles, Perry, Brown, Maynard and Maxwell?
Maynard: All here.
Moderator: Coffman, Sudfeld and TerBush?
TerBush: I’m here, but I don’t know where Cam and Nate are.
Moderator: Coffman and Sudfeld?
( no response)
Moderator: That’s odd. Let’s move on. McGloin, we’ve established you’re here. Sheelhaase?
Scheelhaase: Yep, and here come the Hoosiers.
Moderator: Cam and Nate, where have you been?
Coffman: Sorry Mr. Moderator, we play Penn State on the road this week so we had to attend at weekly “How the Big Ten is Going to Screw Penn State” meeting and it ran long.
Sudfeld: It was a lot more intense than I expected. They really check everything and make sure no stones are left unturned. The overall strategy and attention to detail is amazing.
Coffman: Obviously McGloin, we can’t reveal anything concerning our game on Saturday, but I will tell you that when you play us basketball, they really have an unbelievable situation they are working on.
Sudfeld: You guys host Indiana in one of the first two conference games you play this season. At the time IU will be undefeated and ranked #1 and you’ll be, well you’ll be Penn State, but late in the game the Lions, having played very well, will be leading by two when they’ll make a call you won’t believe. All I can say is set your VCR, your DVD or the Hopper, because you have to see this. It’s going to be monumental. You’ll be out of control. I’ll bet you fifty bucks you lose an ovary over this one.
McGloin: Why is everyone picking on me?
Perry: It’s what we do here, but it’s not just you. Take Zac Dysert, he recently passed Ben Roethlisberger to become Miami’s all-time leading passer, he put together one of the greatest games in college football history earlier in the year, but his team is below average. In fact a couple of weeks ago, they lost to Buffalo. Buffalo!! The last time Buffalo won was when they kicked the snot out of pioneers trying to cross the Dakotas.
Dysert: And my man Perry here hasn’t taken a snap from center in a month on a team that’s won 3 games this year. He can’t even beat out Brown as the starter for a crummy team.
Bortles: TerBush’s Purdue team rallied to beat Iowa on the road last week with a last second field goal and what really make it special is, he didn’t play. First time he didn’t play in several weeks and they won. They have two games left and if they can beat Illinois—and who can’t—and the Bobbsy Twins from Indiana in their big rivalry game, they’ll finish with six wins and be bowl eligible.
Maynard: Hello Purdue, this is the Sun Bowl calling, how would like to spend Christmas in El Paso again this year?
Brown: Can you imagine spending Christmas in El Paso as a reward for all your hard work?
Bortles: And Purdue’s best chance of making this happen is to have TerBush on the sideline holding a clipboard.
Maxwell: And let’s not get started on Scheelhaase and the Illini, we could go on for days about the special season they’ve put together.
Moderator: Correct Andrew, let’s not get started on that. At this time I’d like to introduce our guest this week. He is Curt Phillips, a 6’3” 215 lb. Redshirt Senior Quarterback from the University of Wisconsin. Curt and the Badgers host the Buckeyes this Saturday at Camp Randall Stadium. With a win on Saturday, the Badgers can clinch a spot in the Big Ten Championship Game. Curt is making just his second start for Wisconsin. His first start came last week in the Badgers 62-14 victory over the Hoosiers. Welcome Curt.
Phillips: Thank you.
Moderator: Gentleman as you can see in Curt’s bio, his stats from last week were 4-7 passing for 41 yards and he rushed 7 times for 68 yards. He also scored his first touchdown.
Dysert: Those are some fairly impressive numbers, 4 of 7 for 41 yards. And that was for the entire game. Most of us beat those numbers on a single drive.
Phillips: Our game plan against IU was to focus on our ground game. We wanted to control the line of scrimmage and wear them out. From the game plan standpoint, it worked out perfectly.
Martinez: Here’s why the game plan was to run the ball. Number 1, Indiana is last in league in rushing defense. A team of octogenarians would rush for a ton of yards against that D. Secondly, the need to run was driven by the fact you were the quarterback.
Phillips: I’m more of an option quarterback.
Martinez: I think you meant you are the last option at quarterback.
TerBush: As I look at your career numbers, I could make a case that your best seasons were 2010 and 2011. Both with the same three-word description in your bio—Did Not Play.
Coffman: He’s been there five years and watched others get all the playing time. You must look really good in a cap and headphones and the coaching staff felt it was best to let you be at your best.
Phillips: In 2008, my redshirt year, I was the Wisconsin Offensive Scout Team Player of the Year.
Bortles: Well that’s the equivalent of being the tallest midget in town or the highest point in Florida.
Phillips: Hey, it’s not like didn’t contribute. I lettered in 2009.
Brown: Big deal. Did you ever see Grease? Danny Zuko lettered.
Maxwell: So you got some scrub time against teams like Wofford, Northern Illinois and Minnesota then your first start against Indiana and Coach Bielema is gong to trot you out against Ohio State? That’s like sending you to fight a forest fire with a squirt gun. I may feign an injury this week so I can sit and watch this debacle on TV. It’s like the train wreck you shouldn’t watch, but can’t take your eyes off of.
Scheelhaase: You’re the best they have huh? That says a lot about the O’Brien kid that transferred from Maryland.
Perry: I’m guessing you’ll try the heavy dose of running against OSU too.
Phillips: That will be a big part of our game plan.
Maxwell: The Buckeyes run defense is the best in the league and one of the top in the country. We had no success running the ball when they beat us.
Phillips: It will be an old-fashioned ground it out Big Ten football game and the team that makes the big plays will come out on top.
Bortles: They can’t be counting on you making any big plays.
Phillips: You never know. That’s why we play the games.
Dysert: We do know and that’s why this place exists. The exciting news for you is you’ll get to come back next week and have the opportunity to meet Denard Robinson.
Moderator: That’s all the time we have for today. We’ll see you here next week. We are officially adjourned.