Ten Terrible Predictions

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Last updated: 06/13/2012 6:31 PM
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Ten Terrible Predictions for the Upcoming College Football Season
By Tony Gerdeman

Anybody can write a simple predictions piece with the intention of being right. That's easy. Like 99% of the rest of you, I can tell you that Ohio State is going to beat Michigan. It's not hard.

However, it's much more difficult to be correct while writing a piece full of terrible predictions. Fortunately for you, I like to challenge myself.

What follows are Mark May levels of idiocy with the slightest pinch of common sense—and even the common sense is an accident.

1. Michigan will beat Alabama. If there is one thing that Wolverine quarterback Denard Robinson can do, it's play well when it matters in September. If Nick Saban was smart, he would have tried to get this game moved to Friday, August 31, where Robinson is less powerful. Alabama only returns eleven starters, so we don't quite know how ready they are. Also, keep in mind that Michigan is very fast, and Alabama doesn't see speed like this down in the SEC.

2. USC will lose three conference games. As much as this will pain the likes of ESPN, Lane Kiffin is not Pete Carroll. I never knew Pete Carroll, and Pete Carroll was never a friend of mine, but Lane Kiffin is no Pete Carroll. Yes, USC will be more talented than every opponent they face this year, but that was the case last year as well. As much as they would like it to be so, appearances on College Football Live do not equate to wins. Along with the obvious opponents, expect an unexpected loss—if such a thing is metaphysically possible.

3. Arkansas will win the national championship. Facts are facts—Arkansas is in the SEC West and that means it's their turn to win a BCS championship. The schedule is fantastic because LSU and Alabama both come to Fayetteville, and the toughest road game is probably South Carolina. And before you tell me that Arkansas can't win because Bobby Petrino is gone and they don't have a legitimate head coach, I will remind you that that never stopped Auburn or LSU.

4. Notre Dame quarterback Tommy Rees will win the Heisman Trophy. Sure, you may look at Notre Dame's roster and see three better options at quarterback than Rees, but so what? You think you know better than Brian Kelly? Rees has experience and his moxie levels are McGloinian. Also, he produces. If you include his interceptions, Rees completed nearly 70% of his passes last season. This is the year that Tommy Rees puts everything together and becomes the great quarterback that Brian Kelly knows he can be.

5. Oklahoma at West Virginia will be a defensive battle. Everybody is expecting the shootout of the century in this game, but that's not going to happen. Ultimately, it will be like a sixth-grade dance. Kids full of hormones gathered together, expecting something gigantic to happen, but people end up just standing around because nobody can make the first move. Not even Bon Jovi will be able to turn this into anything more than an awkward exercise.

6. Texas will go 2-7 in conference play. Texas opens conference play at Oklahoma State, then hosts West Virginia, then travels to the State Fair. It gets better from there, but given the history of the team, they'll quit soon after. Fortunately, Bobby Petrino will be named head coach the Sunday after Thanksgiving—yes, that's one week before the Longhorns' final game of the season. Whatevs.

7. Randy Edsall will win a national coach of the year award. Granted, it will be The Under Armour National Coach of the Year, but still...it's pretty impressive.

8. Louisville will go undefeated. It's very easy to predict that a Big East team will go undefeated because they don't play anybody. However, the catch-22 is that picking a Big East team to go undefeated means that you are relying on a Big East team to go undefeated. It's basically fighting fire with fire while underwater. This may be a bad prediction, but it's not crazy. A road game at Pitt is the toughest game on the schedule.

9. Navy will make the BCS. Navy opens the season in Ireland against Notre Dame. The Midshipmen will be able to maintain discipline on such a trip. Notre Dame, however, won't. They will be so logey from constantly eating potatoes that they'll be no match for Navy's option offense. A week off following the trip to Ireland will give Navy time to prepare for their trip to Penn State—not that anybody will need to prepare for the Nittany Lions. From then on, nothing will stop them.

10. Marcus Lattimore will rush for 2,000 yards this season. However, it will take him 800 carries to get there. (He'll make it by week nine.)

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