The Opposing Quarterbacks Club
By John Kreinbihl
Bye Week II--The Saga Continues
When the calendar turns to November my friend, the doorman at the Club, always gets a bit rattled. It’s the not the change in temperature nor Election Day decisions that throw him for a loop and it’s not prepping for Thanksgiving nor the start of the Holiday Shopping season either. It’s not that the college football games become more important as teams fight for league titles and begin to start thinking about bowl games and such, it’s Daylight Savings Time that floors him. Fall Forward? Spring Back? Move ahead? Turn ‘em back? Believe it or not, it’s more than he can wrap his head around but then, in his position, maybe it’s not as surprising as it seems. In any case, the meeting time for this session was the same as it always is and he just wasn’t sure what time that was supposed to be based on DST. He called and asked if I could help make sure the clocks in the club were all correct. I agreed and brought him my copy of A Rush of Blood to the Head CD by Coldplay and we listened to “Clocks” as we made sure the time was correct through the club. In exchange for my help he allowed me to hide the microphones.
Here is the transcript from the meeting:
Moderator: Gentlemen, good afternoon and I wish you a warm welcome to this meeting of The Opposing Quarterbacks Club. Ten weeks of the college football season are in the books and to date here at the Club we are right on pace with our membership projections for 2013. It seems the more things change in college football the more things stay the same as Ohio State won its’ twenty-first straight game with a victory over Purdue last Saturday and we’ll hear from Danny Etling to get his thoughts from the game and we’ll recap the efforts of the our other members. With this being the second bye week on the schedule for the Buckeyes, we won’t have a new QB to indoctrinate today but we will formally induct Etling as our newest member. We’ll begin with the roll call to make sure everyone is present today. Joe Licata?
Licata: I’m here.
Moderator: Adam Dingwell and Quinn Kaehler from San Diego State?
Kaehler: Both here.
Moderator: Our Cal Bear, Jared Goff?
Goff: As they say at Yale, or as we call it, the Cal Berkeley of the East, boola, boola.
Moderator: Damien Fleming?
Fleming: As Homer Simpson said while attending Springfield University, or as we call it, the FAMU of the cartoon world, d’oh!!!
Moderator: From the University of Wisconsin, Joel Stave?
Moderator: Colter and Siemian?
Siemian: Both here.
Moderator: Jake Rudock?
Rudock: I’m here, too.
Moderator: Our Nittany Lions, Christian Hackenberg and Tyler Ferguson?
Ferguson: We’re both here.
Moderator: And last but not least, our newest member, Danny Etling?
Etling: I’m here.
Licata: And I would say “last” and “least” are very fitting descriptors for you and your Boilers. You guys are last in everything in the league and your performance was the least impressive since Fleming’s back in week three. Congrats for that 56-0 waxing.
Stave: I have to give the kid some credit. I was a real close game for one play. You picked up positive yardage on your first play and then it was, well, pretty much over with the pick six by Grant.
Etling: I put that ball in a bad spot.
Goff: That ball was in a bad spot from the get go, your right hand.
Dingwell: I liked the “One Brick Higher” on your helmets but based on your average of 3.1 yards per completion in the game, maybe that should change to “One Brick Thrower”.
Fleming: You’re one to talk Dingwell, his yards per completion is three more than you racked up against the Bucks. You threw five passes—all incompletions—and were pulled from the game. Etling’s first five passes gained 28 yards. In comparison your numbers make Etling look like a Hall of Famer.
Colter: The game was over in a hurry. The Bucks had two scores before most of the Purdue fans got into the stadium.
Siemian: Most of the Purdue fans stayed home. OSU fans filled another road stadium and they were there in time to see the action at the start of the game because they knew what to expect.
Colter: Maybe Purdue fans knew what to expect too and that’s why they stayed home.
Stave: I’ll bet Etling wishes he’d stayed home.
Etling: The game didn’t go as we hoped, but we’re playing a lot of true freshmen and we’ll learn and grow from this game. There’s a lot we can take away from this game.
Rudock: OSU played true freshman too, but theirs are better than yours. Wilson, Bosa, Elliott, Bell et al, are growing and learning too. Age wasn’t the deciding factor in the game, talent was.
Hackenberg: You guys have now scored one TD in the last 12 quarters and so far this season you’ve scored 10 touchdowns on offense.
Rudock: That’s nine fewer than OSU back-up QB Kenny Guiton has. Yes, that’s what I said, the Buckeyes second-string quarterback has accounted for nine more touchdowns than the entire Purdue offense. Put that in your stats book and smoke it.
Moderator: Danny, when you look back at the game, what stood out to you?
Etling: We didn’t play very well. You have to give the Buckeyes credit for playing a large role in that, but we were hoping to build on some of the momentum we got from the Michigan State game. That game was on the road, but we played them pretty evenly in terms of both the score and the statistics. Nebraska had beaten us pretty bad the week prior to the MSU game but we felt we’d made progress in the game against the Spartans and with the bye week before OSU we had some great practices and I think, had a good mindset going into the game, but things got away from us early and it ended up being a long day.
Licata: The good news is you had 36 more yards in total offense than Fleming did and you gave up 20 fewer points than the Rattlers.
Hackenberg: In other words, you guys could hang with most FCS teams.
Etling: You’re one to talk Christian. Your performance against the Bucks wasn’t exactly one for the books plus we play you in two weeks.
Ferguson: Oooh, we’re so scared.
Etling: We’ll settle this on the field on the 16th.
Moderator: We’ll settle this now. Nobody cares about that game. Danny, defensively the story for the OSU game wasn’t much better.
Etling: Again, we held Sparty to 14 points and I know the defense was looking forward to making a statement going up against a very good team.
Stave: And that statement was, “we’re not worthy”.
Colter: Plus you were sacked 6 times and anytime you rush 27 times for 27 yards, scores like 56-0 aren’t surprising.
Hackenberg: What I want to know is why didn’t Ohio State run up the score on Purdue like they did against us?
Licata: Because nobody whines about running up the score like you guys do. It’s to the point now where teams do it on purpose because we love to hear you bitch about it. Fleming didn’t whine. They took their check, said thank you and returned to Tallahassee. Penn State has this “us against the world” mentality and quite frankly, most folks are on the world side in that battle.
Hackenberg: All I know is we moved on from the OSU game and beat Illinois in overtime on Saturday.
Colter: That’s not as impressive as it sounds. Bragging about beating Illinois in overtime is like boasting about taking the best two of three in an arm wrestling match with an eight-year old girl.
Hackenberg: At least we won. How’d that Hail Mary feel on Saturday? Nebraska is playing a quarterback who looks like a guard and they beat you on the last play of he game. What’s that five straight losses for you guys? You’re dropping like a stone in the Big Ten Standings. You know the Zig Ziglar, book ‘See You at the Top’? You, Illinois and Purdue are more like “Meet Me at the Bottom’.
Moderator: Danny, it’s time for your formal induction into the Club. I’ve asked Damien Fleming to officially welcome you as our newest member. Damien, if you will please.
Fleming: It is with no sense of pride or excitement that I present you with your Opposing Quarterbacks Club jacket. You’ll like the color, gold, or Old Gold to you, and as we always do, we’ve added a couple of special touches to it. First, see the little brick under the logo? We thought you’d appreciate that and second, there is a train whistle in the pocket. Welcome to the Club, brother.
Licata: Additionally, we have a shot and a beer for everyone to recognize this moment so guys if you will drop your shot into your beer and raise it up as we toast “Boiler Up” to “a Boiler Down”.
Moderator: Nice touch Joe. As I mentioned earlier, we don’t have a guest this week as this is the Buckeyes second bye week, but I do want to cover some of the exploits of our members from their games over the weekend. Kain and Trevor, Hackenberg referenced your game a little earlier and I’m sure it was disappointing to lose a game like that.
Colter: It’s a sixty-minute game and for all but the last 5 seconds or so, we had the lead. I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses, but we were playing shorthanded. A lot of injuries have made it tough for us the last few weeks.
Goff: Maybe it’s just me but it sounded like you were making excuses.
Kaehler: You I got the same vibe.
Moderator: Jared, you guys played a good game but lost to tough Arizona squad. You had 56 pass attempts and threw for four TD’s.
Stave: But appears losing is wearing on some of your guys. Any insight on the big locker room fight?
Goff: That’s an internal issue. There’s no need to bring that up here.
Moderator: Kaehler, you guys have been on a little run winning 3 of your last four and you beat New Mexico on Saturday.
Kaehler: It was a good win for us. We led throughout the game but the Lobo’s made it close late. In fact we had to recover an onside kick late in the game to seal the deal. I had a decent game, 16-21 with a couple of TD’s and we really controlled the clock by running the ball.
Licata: How Dingwell do?
Goff: I’m sure he had his usual game—cap, headset, clipboard. Nobody does it better.
Moderator: Of course we had one game that featured a couple of our members as Joel Stave and his Wisconsin Badgers headed to Iowa City to take on Jake Rudock and his Hawkeyes. Wisconsin won 28-9. Joel your thoughts on the game?
Stave: A big win for us. The victory made us bowl eligible but our sights are still set on bigger goals. It’s nice to beat a rival and we took home the Heartland Trophy so it’s nice to get a win and a little hardware at the same time.
Siemian: Oh sure, everyone wants a trophy with a big bull on it.
Rudock: We’re been playing each other for over 100 years so it’s a big game for both teams.
Siemian: And a lot of bull for the rest of the world.
Moderator: Jake, I saw where you were injured in the game.
Rudock: It was just a knee sprain. I’ll be good to go this week.
Colter: I think you had a couple of picks that turned the tide for the Badgers.
Rudock: A couple of turnovers did hurt us. They scored two TD’s late in the game to go from 14-9 to 28-9 so the game was a lot closer than the score indicated.
Fleming: Is anyone interested in hearing how I led my team to a win on Saturday?
Dingwell: I think I speak for everyone when I say, no.
Kaehler: So Etling, who do you guys have this next?
Etling: We play Rudock and his Hawkeyes.
Licata: A couple of freshman QB’s battling it out at Ross Ade Stadium. Perhaps Boiler Pete will stay for the entire game rather than heading out early for his second job as he did last week last week against Ohio State.
Etling: Boiler Pete doesn’t have a second job.
Licata: Sure he does. He’s also the head coach at Arkansas. See.
Etling: Well I’ll be damed…
Moderator: Gentlemen that is all the time we have for today. Thank you for your attendance, good luck in your games this week and I’ll see each of you back here next week when we welcome our first returning member Nathan Scheelhasse from the University of Illinois. We are officially adjourned.