Five for Friday - 'Bama fans

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Last updated: 07/19/2013 1:25 AM
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Five for Friday: Fake Statements From Alabama Fans Less Outrageous Than Real Statements From Alabama Fans
By Tony Gerdeman

As everybody knows, the SEC Media Days were held this week in Hoover, Alabama, and with it came the mountains of fawning and flattering from those in attendance.

We all know that everything about the SEC is the best because we all have eyes and ears. However, what is one person's idea of the "best" doesn't always mesh with everyone else's.

For instance, Jon Solomon from The Birmingham News was in attendance on Thursday and asked an Alabama fan what he thought about head coach Nick Saban. The fan's response?

"He's a winner, he just does what he wants to do. He's kind of like Hitler. He's a dictator. He brought us back to the top and I figure we're going to be here for a while. Money well spent."

"He's kind of like Hitler. He's a dictator. ... Money well spent." Has there ever been a more profound epitaph?

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum – and yet somehow just as glowingly complementary – was a fan (wearing an "I Hate Auburn" t-shirt) in 2011 who told Solomon that "It’s like I went to church and God told me He didn’t approve," upon being told that Saban didn't appreciate the attitude that the "controversial" shirt conveyed.

Hitler. God. Saban. For some Alabama fans, this apparently makes complete sense. That's why, no matter how hard I am about to try, I won't be able to top anything a true Bama fan could come up with.

I hate fighting losing battles.

1. John R., Tuscaloosa
"My wife is pregnant with a boy and his first name is going to be 'Nick' and his middle name is going to be 'Saban'. Also, when he reaches a height of 5-feet-6 inches, we are going to place him in a cage so that he cannot grow any taller, and he will stay the same height as Coach Nick Saban forever. We also plan to install a headset in utero and have it hopefully fuse and grow into little Nicky's head skin."

2. Rick G., Moundville
"As the mayor of Moundville, I have come to Hoover to offer Coach Nick Saban the key to our fair town. Granted, it's not a real key so much as it is a coathanger, but it'll still open anything in town."

3. Carl P., Birmingham
"I came down here to the SEC Media Days in hopes of kidnapping and eating Coach Nick Saban because only then can I truly express to him how much he means to me. When people see my face tattoo of Coach, sure they probably realize that I'm a fan, but they don't realize how much of a fan I am. I think by consuming Coach Nick Saban, everyone will finally understand. Plus, my neighbor says that he's gonna try to kidnap Coach today as well, and if I don't do it now, I may miss my opportunity."

4. Bill W., Montgomery
"My wife and I were arguing before I left for Hoover today, and she told me that if I didn't stay and finish our argument that she was gonna leave me. So I would've been here sooner, but I wanted to help her pack."

5. Jerry T., Dothan
"I wasn't planning on coming here today, but last night I had a dream that I was walking in the woods, and I kept having birds peck at me because I was carrying bread, and I kept throwing the bread away hoping the birds would leave me alone, but they would just keep pecking, and then I'd look down and realize that I still had the bread even though I thought I threw it down, so I'd throw it down again, but the birds would keep pecking. Finally, I just took off running and I came to a stream, and standing at the edge of the stream was this beautiful white unicorn. Majestic. Sensual. I asked the unicorn its name, and it responded, 'You already know who I am.' I said, 'Are...are you Coach Saban?', and the unicorn answered, 'Yes, my child. Come ride me.' So then a saddle magically appeared on Unicorn Saban's back, and I hopped on and we galloped for what felt like hours. Finally, my alarm woke me and the dream was gone. But I knew that it meant that I had to come here today and see Coach Saban. And that's also why I brought this saddle."

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