The Opposing Quarterbacks Club
By John Kreinbihl
Indiana na na na na hey hey hey good bye
It’s Indiana week and this was one of the easier weeks to gain access to the Club. Why? Because my buddy the doorman is slave to fashion and I when I showed up with a pair of those hideous candy-striped warmup pants the Hoosiers basketball team wears, you would have thought I gave him ten thousand dollars. We was ecstatic and went on and on about how he had the perfect shirt to match and how great they’d look in his closet and he couldn’t thank me enough. I told him all the thanks I needed was to be able to hide the microphones.
Here is the transcript from the meeting:
Moderator: Welcome everyone to this week’s meeting of The Opposing Quarterbacks Club. Over the weekend we saw another Buckeyes victory so that means another recognition for Nathan Scheelhaase and we’ll welcome two new guesst later today, but I’ll get the proceedings started with the roll call. Joe Licata?
Moderator: Adam Dingwell and Quinn Kaehler?
Moderator: How was Hawaii Adam?
Dingwell: I got really sunburned and wasn’t able to play.
Moderator: I’m not sure the sun had anything to do with that.
Keahler: Hey, it was an OT win, and we’re bowl eligible with 6 wins. Considering we started 0-3, I think that says a lot about our team.
Licata: I think it says more about Dingwell than anything else.
Moderator: Continuing on, Jared Goff?
Goff: I’m here.
Moderator: Damien Fleming?
Moderator: Joel Stave?
Stave: I’m here.
Moderator: Kain Colter and Trevor Siemian?
Siemian: Both here.
Moderator: Jake Rudock?
Rudock: Back in Hawkeye Black and Gold
Moderator: Christian Hackenberg and Tyler Ferguson?
Hackenberg: Both in the house.
Moderator: Danny Etling?
Etling: I’m here.
Moderator: And finally, Nathan Scheelhaase.
Moderator: Nathan, that was a pretty good effort on Saturday. Things didn’t go your way early as you fell behind by 28 points, but you didn’t quit. I think the punt return got you guys going.
Scheelhaase: I agree. We needed a spark and the punt return was a big play. So was our TD late in the second quarter. That one cut the lead to 35-14 and we knew we’d get the ball first in the second half and if we could score coming our of the half it might make the Bucks a little nervous and we did. Once we got it to 35-21, we felt it was a game.
Stave: And then the safety came along and zapped all the momentum you had built up.
Colter: That was very odd. I know you had to leave the game because your helmet came off, but was it Coach Beckman or your offensive coordinator who called that little gem of a play with the back-up QB?
Fleming: I was stunned by that decision too. The dude was stone cold off the bench and only needed to run one play until you got back in there and rather than just handing off to get two yards, y’all try to pass and give up 2 points.
Hackenberg: Plus you give up the ball and what, four plays later, Hyde is in the end zone with TD number four and the Bucks are back up 44-21.
Goff: Hyde was a man among boys out there.
Scheelhaase: He’s the real deal. There a lot fast backs in the Big 10 and a lot of big backs in the Big 10, but he’s the only one that is both. Nobody else in the league has a guy they can just ride at crunch time.
Goff: And those two 50-yard TD runs in the 4th quarter really crunched you. Same play, same result.
Scheelhaase: We scored more points against OSU than any of you guys.
Fleming: Isn’t that a bit like saying, at least my ankle isn’t as sprained as yours?
Licata: I have a question on Roby’s pick six, was that something you stole from the Penn State playbook?
Ferguson: Cute, Licata. Very cute.
Scheelhaase: Nope, that one was on me. I had the hot read but put too much on the throw to our tight end Jon Davis and he couldn’t come up with it and Roby took the tipped ball to the house.
Stave: Or in your case, the Haase.
Moderator: I’m curious about the number of sacks the Buckeyes had on Saturday, was it a scheme thing or was your protection just not what it needed to be?
Scheelhaase: A bit of both actually. We have some young guys up front but they brought Spence on a couple of blitzes, for the lack of a better word, from a linebacker spot and Bosa was more than we could handle.
Colter: On one of the sacks Bosa had he just brought your O-lineman with him and knocked you both down. Pretty impressive.
Scheelhaase: I wasn’t really disappointed when he left the game.
Moderator: Nathan, before we introduce our guests for this week, I’d like to present you with your “Year 2” pin. Since you were inducted last year, this pin symbolizes not having enough on the field to get it done, but more than enough to make you an elder statesman here at the Club. Congratulations.
Rudock: We also have something for your back-up, Reilly O’Toole. It’s a pin that features a referee with his two hands together over his head and your two coaches arguing over the play called when you had to leave the game.
Siemian: It’s a safety pin. Get it? A safety pin.
Rudock: I told you it didn’t need an explanation. Way to wreck the whole joke.
Moderator: Gentlemen, at this time I’d like to turn our attention to two guests we have joining us today. They are Nate Sudfeld and Tre Roberson from Indiana University. Nate and Tre will lead the Hoosiers into Ohio Stadium for a game with the Buckeyes this Saturday afternoon. Nate is a current member of The Opposing Quarterbacks Club based on his performance last year, but this is Tre’s first visit. Welcome guys and thanks for coming.
Sudfeld: Thanks. I can’t say I’m glad to be back but it is interesting to be back. I assume the meetings this year have been a lot like the ones I attended last year. A lot of we coulda, shoulda, but didn’t discussions.
Roberson: Nate told me about this place and as I understand it all you have to do is defeat Ohio State and you don’t have to come back, but the meetings traditionally revolve around excuses for not doing the one thing you’re supposed to do, which is to win the game. To me it’s like the hand dryers in public restrooms, specifically World Dryer hand dryers. Have you ever noticed on the machine it references the three key things it does-- help save trees, eliminate paper towel waste and maintain cleaner facilities? You know the one thing it doesn’t do? Dry your hands. Since it can’t dry your hands, it focuses on other superficial stuff in an effort to try and prove it’s worth. I’m not anti-environment but all I want from one of those things is to dry may hands and I don’t think that’s asking too much since the word “dryer” is in its’ name. Nate and I understand the task we face and we expect to win but if, on the rare chance we don’t, we won’t come here and go through a list of things we accomplished in spite of not taking care of job #1.
Etling: I have no idea what he just said.
Moderator: If I may, to paraphrase his comments in OSU vernacular, “we’ll win the game or know the reason why”.
Kaehler: I’ll bet he and his keg of booze are back here next week.
Moderator: The Hoosiers come to Columbus on the heels of a 51-3 loss at Wisconsin last week. Indiana is 4-6 overall and 2-4 in Big 10 play. Additionally, they are 0-3 on the road this year.
Hackenberg: Those aren’t the kind of numbers you want to bring into a game against a team that has won 22 straight.
Moderator: Nate gets the majority of the snaps but combined they have 28 TD’s and only 11 interceptions. Nate is completing 60% of his passes and has thrown for over 2,200 yards and 19 TD’s. Tre is completing just under 60% of his passes and while he’s only thrown for 759 yards, he does have 9 TD tosses.
Scheelhaase: I’ll bet those numbers took a hit last week.
Stave: A big time hit. I don’t think they had 100 yards passing against us.
Moderator: Actually Joel, they were 12 for 30 for 122 yards.
Fleming: Numbers like that will land you here every time.
Sudfeld: Saturday was not a good game for us, but we still are the #1 passing team in the league and we’ve seen how OSU has struggled against teams that can throw the ball.
Licata: They are 10-0, I’d say struggled may be an overstatement.
Roberson: Before the Wisconsin game, we’d score 28 or more points in 10 straight games. We need to get back to what we do best and we’ll be fine.
Moderator: The Hoosiers are the first team in Big 10 history to have five players with 1,000 careers yards playing together at one time.
Sudfeld: We’ll spread the ball around. We think having that many weapons will pose a problem for the Bucks, especially if they are dealing with some injuries on defense.
Stave: I think they’ll go with a lot of nickel and dime packages.
Goff: That’s what they did against us. It seems to me, you’re going into the game with a strategy that several of us tried and didn’t have any success with. Yes, we score on them, but as Tre stated, job #1 is to win and that strategy hasn’t proven successful yet this year.
Ferguson: What about your defense? How are you going to stop Carlos Hyde? I think needs like 50 yards to be the first running back to rush for over 1,000 on an Urban Meyer coached team. I’m guessing he’ll be a little anxious to break the 1,000-yard mark as soon as he can.
Kaehler: What do you think? Two plays? Maybe three?
Fleming: I’ll go with his first touch just to make it interesting.
Rudock: Did you guys know Indiana is last in the league in rushing defense? They allow an average of 250 yards per game.
Etling: Then I’m with Fleming. Hyde’s first carry should do it.
Hackenberg: I’ll take a piece of that too since the statistics aren’t in their favor.
Moderator: And history isn’t on their side either. OSU leads the series 69-12-5 and they have won 17-straight over the Hoosiers. The last time Indiana beat Ohio State was 1988.
Licata: 1988!! Seriously?
Goff: Fire up the time machine baby, let’s see what was happening in the world the last time the Hoosiers beat Ohio State. #1, none of us were born.
Moderator: Well, I was.
Goff: Yeah, but you don’t count.
Dingwell: These people were born in 1988—Greg Oden, Rihanna, Beanie Wells, Clayton Kershaw, Stephen Strasburg and Michael Cera
Stave: The last time IU beat OSU gas was 91¢ a gallon.
Colter: The Hubble Space Telescope was put into orbit.
Keahler: Popular movies included Rain Man, Die Hard, Big and Beetlejuice.
Scheelhaase: Two new drugs were introduced into society—Crack and Prozac.
Rudock: Ben Johnson won the Olympic Gold Medal in the 100-meter dash but had it stripped for taking Stanozol.
Dingwell: Maybe he should have taken Crack or Prozac.
Scheelhaase: Sonny Bono was elected Mayor of Palm Springs.
Licata: Roy Orbison, Any Gibb and Pete Maravich died in 1988.
Hackenberg: The Lockerbie bombing happened in ’88.
Siemian: So did the wildfires in Yellowstone that destroyed more than a third of the park.
Stave: The Soviet Union began perestroika. How monumental was your win over OSU in 1988? Big enough to make the Soviet rethink their entire economic system that’s all.
Licata: What might happen if they win on Saturday?
Kaehler: Dare we say, World Peace?
Stave: Way to go all Gracie Hart on us.
Sudfeld: OK, you can stop now. We get it. I’ve been down this road before, that’s why I have this jacket. We know what we’re up against, but we have a few goals we need to achieve too and a win over the Bucks would help us get closer to achieving them.
Licta: You’re going to need all the help you can get on Saturday.
Moderator: Gentlemen, that is all the time we have for today. I thank you for attending this session, good luck in your games this weekend and I’ll see you back here at the same time next week. We are officially adjourned.