The Opposing Quarterbacks Club
By John Kreinbihl
Nothing Beats an Off Week
I got a call from my friend the doorman at the Club and he wanted to know if I was interested in playing golf this week. I asked “when?” and he said “today”. My second question was, “don’t you have to work today?” and he said he didn’t because the Bucks don’t play this week so there wasn’t a meeting scheduled.
I assured him there was a meeting scheduled and that if he wanted to keep his job, he better get down to the club ASAP. He went into full freak out mode about how his uniform was at the cleaners, his mother needed him to run to the store for her and he had to walk his neighbor’s dog. How he expected to play golf on a day with that kind of day scheduled was beyond me, but I told him to pick up his uniform and I’d walk the dog, get his Mom’s stuff at the store and if we got to the club in an hour, he’d be there in plenty of time to keep his job.
I had to wait for ten minutes for him to arrive and help him tie his tie but he was so thankful that he didn’t lose his gig, he let me in to hide the microphones.
Here is the transcript from the meeting:
Moderator: Good afternoon everyone and welcome to this week’s meeting of The Opposing Quarterbacks Club. The Buckeyes have an off week this week but there is still plenty to talk about from last Saturday and we have to officially induct our two newest members from Northwestern University, Kain Colter and Trevor Siemian. Guys, thanks for coming back and welcome to the Club.
Colter: This is total BS. I can’t believe we had to come back. Anybody here see the stat sheet? We both had a tremendous showing Saturday night and we have to come back here?!?!
Moderator: Kain, I understand you might be a bit frustrated, but the rules are the rules. We’ll give each of you a chance to share your experiences and insights from your game against Ohio State in just a few minutes, but,
Colter: Seriously? We put up almost 450 yards in total offense, had them on their heels all night and I’ve gotta hang with these dudes? One guy sucked so bad he was pulled after 6 plays and another lost by 10 TD’s, and of those two guys, Mister 0-76 had the better game.
Moderator: Kain, please be patient. Club policy says I have to take a roll call of the members before we can begin.
Colter: Your policy sucks!!
Licata: Eeeeasy kitty. Let the man do his job. I can tell you right now for every “look how good we did” we’ve got a matching “ yea but” and we’re ready to go toe to toe, but you’re being rude. Let him call the roll.
Moderator: Thanks Joe. I’ll mark you as present. Dingwell and Kaehler, are you both here?
Kaehler: We are.
Moderator: Jared Goff?
Goff: I’m like so here dude and so ready for the newbies.
Moderator: From Florida A&M, Damien Fleming ?
Fleming: I’m Here.
Moderator: Joel Stave?
Stave: On Wisconsin.
Moderator: And finally, I know Colter and Siemian are here. Welcome guys. Kain, you made several good points about your performance Saturday night and I’m sure it was a tough loss, but it’s not all bad news for you here today. According to Sabermetrics, it seems you may be the first member of the Opposing Quarterbacks Club to catch and throw a touchdown pass in the same game. I say may be because some of the historical records here are a bit sketchy and frankly we weren’t all that interested in double-checking the facts, but it sounds like it would be a cool thing. Was there something you wanted to say?
Colter: I ran for a TD too.
Moderator: Now we’re becoming even less interested.
Siemian: You need to cut Kain a little slack. He’s been pretty worked up since the game. I will say, however, he did to try to make several good points. From the quarterback standpoint, we were 25 of 31 for over 340 yards, matched OSU in total yards, time of possession, number of plays and we won the turnover battle. Defensively, we held them to fewer points than they were averaging, stopped them on a fake punt attempt and made them kick field goals rather than score touchdowns early in the game. It seems almost silly to say, but the only thing we didn’t do Saturday was win the game.
Goff: It is silly because the only thing you didn’t do was the ONLY THING YOU HAD TO DO to keep from coming back.
Licata: You were given the same task all of us were given—win. And you didn’t.
Goff: And while you two are busy tossing stats around, I’ll give you three reasons that happened. A pick. A fumble. A fall. Any one of those three could have a negative impact late in a game. Two of them would be incredibly difficult to overcome but you guys rolled the Big Three, a trifecta of 4th quarter disasters and it was mission impossible.
Dingwell: Jared’s right. Say it with me. A pick, a fumble and a fall. I like the way that rolls off your tongue. A pick, a fumble and a fall.
Goff: Let’s recap the entire situation. It’s a home game; you have ESPN’s Game Day broadcast live from Evanston; it’s ABC’s Prime Time game of the week—Brent and Herbie are there; you have two weeks to prepare for the game against an opponent coming off a tough game and the best strategy you guys can come with is a pick, a fumble and a fall? If that’s not OQbC worthy, then nothing is.
Kaehler: Specifically the pick by Grant deep in your own territory at the 12:30 mark in the 4th quarter was the turning point. They tightened their coverage on your wide outs, Siemian missed the read, Grant cut inside and made the interception.
Dingwell: And four plays later the Bucks are up 27-23.
Colter: Yea but we quickly answered that score and re-took the lead two minutes later.
Goff: Which leads us to the fumble and the fall.
Fleming: Colter, if you really want to know why you’re here, look no further than the fumble on the biggest play of the game, the fourth and one. Actually less than one. That play was so bad not only will you be enshrined here but your kids and their kids will be honorary members too.
Stave: Obviously I have a little experience with late game gaffes but a fumble on a quick sneak when you need about a foot at that point in the game is, well, special. It takes a very unique individual to pull off that kind of magic.
Goff: Unless you’re the fall. Right, Trevor?
Licata: Here’s the question, if a quarterback falls down on his own inside the ten-yard line does it make a sound?
Kaehler: Saturday night when it fell it sounded like an explosion of Ohio State fans cheering.
Fleming: You drop back to buy a little time, then for no particular reason, you fall down.
Dingwell: Was that the played you called in the huddle? “Okay guys, listen up, I need the line to give me time, the receivers run downfield about 40 yards, backs swing way outside, then I’ll drop back and fall down. Then all of you have to race back here and get on-side so I can spike the ball and with 5 seconds left we’ll run that lateral-it-all-over-the-place-that-never-works-except-that-one-time-for-Cal-play ending up with the Buckeyes scoring a touchdown” ready? Break.
Fleming: Was it the wind? Did you catch a little up-draft?
Siemian: No I just lost my footing.
Moderator: I’m not surprised Trevor, the playing surface left a lot to be desired.
Licata: No kidding. I completely understand that you might want to leave the grass a little longer with the forecast of rain to try and slow the Buckeyes down a bit, but your field looked as if 200 yaks had been grazing before the game.
Goff: As if a lousy game strategy and horrible field conditions weren’t bad enough, you two added an extra touch by having W-I-N on the front of your helmets only to L-O-S-E. What does W-I-N stand for? We Is Nothing? Walking In Nature? Why Illuminate Nitrogen?
Siemian: It means, “What’s Important Now”. It’s a team unity thing.
Moderator: Interesting. I assumed that because you guys were so confident you’d beat Ohio State it was forecasting “Wisconsin Is Next” in reference to your match up with the Badgers this Saturday.
Stave: We’ll take care of business Saturday afternoon. We own these guys.
Moderator: Actually OSU owns Northwestern. Their win Saturday night made it 29 wins in the past 30 games. I’ll admit you have an impressive record against the ‘Cats, but at best, you’re merely renting them.
Licata: Maybe you could do a rent to own thing. Beat them every year for the next 40 years and they’d be yours. Of course if you lost to them somewhere along the line, it would be like missing a payment and then you’d have to start over at square one.
Stave: We’ve had two weeks to prepare for this game, we’ll be ready.
Dingwell: I hope you devise a better game plan than a pick, a fumble and a fall.
Moderator: Kain and Trevor, it’s time for the formalities scheduled for today and I’m honored to properly bestow you with your Opposing Quarterbacks Club jackets to recognize your efforts and confirm your membership with us. Congratulations! Joe Licata, would you please assist me with the jacket ceremony?
Goff: Twenty bucks says Colter drops his and Siemian falls trying his on.
Stave: I’m good for twenty too.
Dingwell: Mr. Moderator, what special touch has been added to their jackets?
Moderator: I’m glad you asked Adam. Their jackets were signed by Mike Greenberg and Brent Musburger both of whom spent most of the week singing the praises of their alma mater only to be let down at the end of the game.
Fleming: Pay up Jared and Joel, Colter and Siemian made it through the jacket presentation without a hitch.
Moderator: Since the Bucks have a bye week this week and we don’t have a guest joining us today, I’d like to turn attention to some of the others games played this weekend. Joe Licata, you had a good day as your Bulls beat Eastern Michigan.
Licata: It’s always nice to win your conference opener and the victory keeps us on track to win the MAC.
Colter: On track to win the MAC, what a great statement. That’s like proclaiming you can parallel park or eat a sandwich.
Moderator: The most exciting game last weekend might have been San Diego State versus Nevada. The Aztecs won 51-44 in OT. Quinn, you put up some big numbers 23 of 32 for 286 yards and 3 TD’s including the game winner in overtime.
Goff: How did Dingwell do?
Moderator: He didn’t play but our reports say he looked good wearing a headset.
Kaehler: Hey Fleming, how did you guys do?
Fleming: We lost by 13 to Morgan State.
Dingwell: Morgan State? Who do you play this week, Morgan Freeman?
Fleming: No, we play Savannah State.
Dingwell: Savannah State, didn’t she replace Ann Curry on the Today Show?
Moderator: Jared Goff, you had some impressive stats as well. 33 of 59 for 504 yards and two TD’s one of which was an eighty-nine yard touchdown but it wasn’t enough to beat Washington State. You lost the game but your performance set a school record. That’s very impressive for a freshman QB.
Goff: We’re young and learning. We’re getting better each week.
Licata: What you’re learning is you can’t beat D-1 teams. Your only victory was against Portland State.
Kaehler: I saw some highlights from that game and it was a little different than your game against OSU It appeared that the Washington State fans came dressed as empty seats.
Goff: We’ll surprise a couple of teams before the season is over. We’ll have say in who wins the PAC 12.
Moderator: As I stated earlier, Northwestern’s next game is this Saturday at Wisconsin. It will be a game featuring three of our members and one team will lose back-to-back games and early in the conference season, nobody can afford two losses. Kain, how do you see this game shaping up?
Colter: We’ll have to put the OSU game behind us and move forward. I’m sure Coach Fitz and the rest of the staff will get us prepared.
Siemian: We watched a lot of film of the Wisconsin-Ohio State game as we got ready for last Saturday night so we know what to expect from them--big, burley, buzz-cut Badgers looking to run the ball. They had some success throwing the ball against OSU but that won’t happen with our defense.
Stave: I saw you guys get a heavy does of Carlos Hyde and you had no answers for him so I expect we’ll come out and run the ball right down your throats.
Moderator: I’m looking forward to this game and I think it will be closer than most people expect.
Goff: Can you imagine this game coming down to critical decisions late in the fourth quarter? It has all the makings of a classic. On one side you have Stave with his inability to take a knee and his time mismanagement acumen and on the other side it’s Colter and Siemian who lose late leads like D students lose their homework on the way to school. Ignore this game until the 4th quarter then sit back and enjoy the hilarity.
Licata: You’re right Goff, the last fifteen minutes of this game will be Tweedledee say hello to Tweedledum.
Moderator: Gentlemen that is all the time we have for today. Thank you for your attendance, good luck in your games this weekend and we’ll see each of you back here at the same time next week. We are officially adjourned.