Opposing quarterbacks club

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Last updated: 04/26/2013 2:10 AM
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The Opposing Quarterbcks Club
By John Kreinbihl

“Acknowledging Their Underachievement and Over-Valuing Our Importance”

TO:  Board of Directors, The Opposing Quarterbacks Club

FROM:  Planning and Insights Committee

DATE:  April 24, 2013

RE:  Project Updates and Initial 2013 Membership Projections

Proprietary & CONFIDENTIAL

The purpose of this memo is to provide updates on recent discussions at the OQbC, specifically:

  • Naming Rights Sponsorship
  • Big Ten (B1G) Divisional Realignment Name Options
  • 2013-2014 Membership Projections

  • Naming Rights Sponsorship—We continue to work with our advertising and marketing partner, The House of Bad Ideas, to solicit and secure a Title Sponsorship Agreement for the Club. The goals of the project are to develop a long-term partnership that provides naming rights to the partner and allow the club to increase operating funds and enhance the image/awareness of our brand. 

To date, under the lead of the House of Bad Ideas, we have received rejections from the Kyosho Corporation; In-N-Out Burger; HGTV; Virgin Airlines and Martha Stewart Omnimedia.
We are still waiting on responses from three prospects, but it seems highly unlikely that we will hear from Adelphia because apparently, they went out of business in 2002. The committee will continue to provide updates on the status of this project on a regular basis.

  • Big Ten (B1G) Divisional Realignment Name Options—Pending final approval from the Big Ten Presidents and Chancellors, beginning in 2014 the league’s divisional names will change from “Leaders” and “Legends” to “East” and “West”.  Instead of Honoring Legends and Building Leaders, the league will be Rising in the East and Setting in the West.   The committee is proud to report that the names developed by the Board of Directors were submitted to the Big Ten as requested.  In correspondence to the Big Ten Commissioner’s Office dated April 10, the following options were forwarded for consideration:
    • Shirts & Skins
    • Carnivores & Herbivores
    • The Big 2 Plus 5 & The Other Seven
    • Classical & Quantum
    • Not the SEC & Not the PAC 12
    • To the Right of French Lick, Indiana & To the Left of French Lick, Indiana

  • 2013-2014 Membership Projections—As of today, our projections for memberships this year, will likely exceed last year’s total.  The key factors influencing the increase are the expectations of two more games for the Buckeyes this season, the Big Ten Championship Game and a Bowl Game(read BCS Bowl); the high probability of people like Noah Spence, Ryan Shazier and Adolphus Washington knocking starting QB’s out of games forcing the back-ups to play; and the addition of sweet and sour chicken to the lunch buffet.

While some teams still have portions of their spring practices to complete, here is a rundown of the teams on the Buckeyes schedule for 2013.  These “scouting reports” include the current intelligence gathered on each club’s quarterbacks by our operatives and a projection/prediction of how many members we can expect from each opponent.

  • Buffalo—The Bulls visit Ohio Stadium on August 31st and we’ve spent less than 10 minutes scouting these guys and that may have been eight or nine too many.  They are a MAC team and the last time a MAC team beat OSU and didn’t send a representative, Grover Cleveland was President.  The Bulls chances of beating the Buckeyes are the same as the Kardashians quitting whatever it is they do.  In their spring game, both Sophomore Joe Licata and Senior Alex Zordich saw action.  Licata was 9-16 for 96 yards and 2 TD’s and Zordich went 13-18 for 81 yards.  Both go about 6’2”, 220 and while they each look good on one knee calling a play in the huddle, neither has the strengths or skills to make it out of Columbus with a victory.  Let alone alive.  Prediction:  Make room in the barn for a Bull or two.

  • San Diego State—We were excited to visit the Aztecs spring practices because we needed to get away from the cold weather and we hoped to meet Ron Burgundy.  Well, at least it was warm.  As for the Aztecs, they showcased three potential members in their spring game.  Adam Dingwell, who’s name seems to be better suited for a car bumper than a quarterback, appears to have the upper hand as the starter, but Chad Jefferies and Quinn Kaehler both had their moments.  Of course those moments came against the Sand Diego State defense, but under the direction of Bob Toledo the offensive coordinator and Brian Sipe the QB coach, each may learn how to feign injury and not dress for the OSU game.  Prediction:  There will be SDSU QB’s for every girl and boy and if Quinn the Aztec gets here, everybody’s gonna’ jump for joy.

  • University of California—This is the Buckeyes first road game and it’s likely the Bears will be hungry for revenge having dropped a 35-28 decision in Columbus last year.  Unfortunately, they don’t have the tools to pull it off.  Zach Maynard and his brother Keenan Allen are both gone but new head coach Sonny Dykes hopes to bring a high-powered, fast-paced offense to Berkeley.  His hopes hinge on the talents of three potential QB’s with little to no experience.  Jared Goff, a true Frosh and Zach Kline a R/S Frosh both thrilled the crowd of almost 5,800 at the Bears spring game.  By the way, 5,800 is not a crowd for a spring game, it’s the number of senior citizens making lunch out of the free samples at Costco on any given Wednesday.  If you saw Goff and Kline on the field you’d probably think, “well at least they have the summer and then fall camp to develop”, and if you saw them out of uniform, you’d probably say, “hey, aren’t you the kid who cuts my grass?”  A third QB, Austin Hinder is in the mix so there may be a multi-headed Bear joining us each week.  Prediction:  We’ll need a couple of jackets for these guys.

  • Florida A&M—We didn’t even bother with this one.  It’s Florida A&M.  Set a jacket aside for these guys and make sure it has the green and orange lining.  Prediction:  Hi, whoever you are, come on in.

  • Wisconsin—Bucky Badger kicks off the Big Ten campaign this year and it’s possible we’ll see our first returnee.  Curt Phillips is somehow still on the roster and if he doesn’t hurt his knee in an effort to miss this game and be granted a 7th year of eligibility he’ll be back in 2013.  Phillips didn’t perform as well as Joel Stave in the spring game—8 of 13 for 82 yards versus Stave’s 15-20 for 161 and a TD—but he has experience against the Buckeyes.  Another QB still hanging around Madison is Davey O’Brien, the former Maryland QB.  His stats in the spring game were 0-3.  We think he flied to left, struck out and hit into a double play.  Additionally, Whisky will add Tanner McEvoy a 6’6” 215 lb. JUCO transfer in June.  McEvoy chose the Badgers over Florida, Oregon and West Virginia and believes he can help UW “win a lot of games”.  We believe he’ll throw a huge interception in a key game and then stand in the pocket and ask the ball boy to toss him another ball and that scene will be repeated about 6 times.  New head coach Gary Andersen, who according to our sources, was once a great kicker for the Steelers and the Vikings, likes the depth he has a quarterback.  We don’t.  Prediction:  It will be like playing “Whack A Mole” at the club following the Buckeyes game with Wisconsin.  Three or four Bucky QB heads will be popping up.  Order enough material to make three more jackets and make sure we have a “Year 2” pin for Phillips.

  • Northwestern—The Bucks will travel to Ryan Field this year to play one of the Big Ten’s best hosts, the Northwestern Wildcats.  Other than Indiana, no team welcomes visitors like the ‘Cats and there will be a throng of Buckeye fans at this game.  Head coach Pat Fitzgerald has Kain Colter back for his senior season and the 6’, 190 lb. Colorado native, is one of the most exciting players in the league.  He’s had problems staying healthy in the past but he’ll run the NU offense.  Northwestern has other options at QB, but if Kain is able, he’s the man.  Colter has also played wide receiver and during practice he was seen throwing passes to himself.  One was a bit overthrown, but he dove and made the catch.  It’s a play like that the Buckeyes can’t allow if they expect to win.  Many folks are high on Colter, but we’re not worried.  Many folks are high on crack too.  Prediction: One jacket with purple lapels please. 

  • Iowa—Details on the Hawkeyes are incomplete because they don’t play their spring game until this weekend.  Maybe Iowa didn’t “spring forward” yet.  With the departure of two-year starter James Vandenberg, the Hawkeyes have three players battling for the QB job.  Sophomore Jake Rudock, redshirt junior Cody Sokol and redshirt freshman  C.J. Beathard all have eyes on the prize of leading the Iowa offense.  Kirk Ferentz says it’s a wide-open race and he thinks the competition scheduled the rest of spring and throughout fall camp will determine the starter.  We think the starter will be the one whose Mom looks the best on TV.  Prediction:  We don’t know who’ll start and we don’t care.  All we know is there will be a Hawkeye in the house every meeting after October 19th.

  • Penn State—Don’t touch that dial PSU fans, it’s a never-ending stream of “what the %$#*” news out of Happy Valley.  And in one case, UN-Happy Valley.  Our sources have told us, sophomore Steven Bench, who had a decent effort in the PSU spring game this past Saturday and has been in a head-to-head battle with Tyler Ferguson, has watched the film, met with Coach O’Brien today and determined his commitment to PSU is so strong that he asked for, and was granted, his release from his scholarship so he can transfer.  Let’s run through that one more time.  One of the two quarterbacks currently on the team, a guy who went 9-15 with 99 yards passing in the spring game—THIS PAST SATURDAY—now doesn’t want to be a part of the team!! You can’t make this stuff up.  That means the QB competition comes down to Ferguson and incoming freshman Christian Hackenberg.  Oh sure, they have a couple of other stiffs they can try out, but so does Florida A&M.  The current QB situation at PSU is a train wreck.  You know you shouldn’t watch, but you can’t turn away.  WE ARE…IN SHAMBLES!!!!   Prediction:  Assuming Penn State HAS a quarterback when they play OSU, that dude will be here.  But in an effort to save money, make his jacket out of cheap material in case he decides to drop out after a week or two.

  • Purdue—If there is a speed bump on the Bucks’ schedule not identified as Berkeley, it might be West Lafayette.  The potential bump is less impacted by the Boilermakers than the Buckeyes, who have seemingly approached games at Purdue as “easy wins” only to leave town with “embarrassing losses” in recent years.  We don’ think there is a player on the OSU roster who has won a game at Purdue but we don’t have the time to confirm or deny our suspicions.  If we’re wrong, feel free to let us know.  From the quarterback standpoint, it appears Rob Henry has a grasp on the starting job.  Competition will come from Danny Etling and two guys named Austin who, combined, we’ll refer to as “International Men of Mystery”, not because they are unknowns, but we didn’t feel they were worth the effort to investigate.  Again, if we’re wrong, call us out.  Prediction:  Plan on a jacket for Purdue but don’t order one to be made to a specific size, just steal one from Century 21 and embroider the OQbC logo on it.  Someone from Purdue will be proud to put it on.

  • Illinois—This one is a slam dunk.  QB Nathan Scheelhaase is back for his senior campaign and he’ll be back here as well.  Nathan is our 2013 version of Phil Collins’ 1985 Grammy Award winning album, “No Jacket Required”.  He’s got one and he wore it with pride last year.  All he needs is a “Year 2” pin.  Scheelhaase looked good in their spring game completing 24 of 32 passes for 210 yards and a touchdown but he wasn’t in mid-season form because he didn’t throw an interception.  The Illini only won one game in 2012 and we believe they’ll win more games this year, but OSU won’t be one of them.  Prediction:  Scheelhaase will be in the house.

  • Indiana—What’s not to like about the Hoosiers?  It’s possible they’ll have three members this year.  It may look like a clown car unloading when they come to town.  Existing members Cameron Coffman and Nate Sudfeld are both back and Tre Roberson, who was the starter before he broke his leg in the second game, returns as well.  All three took snaps in the IU spring game and all three displayed the level of talent that gets you into our place.  We recommend Penn State call the Indiana AD and see if they can trade for a quarterback.  Set aside a jacket and order more “Year 2” pins for the Hoosiers.  Prediction:  Come one, come all.

  • T.U.N.—Now that Denard Robinson has left and is busy in his new career—throwing out first pitches at baseball games— the QB situation in Ann Arbor is all Devin Gardner, all the time.  Gardner had the job sewn up even before back-up Russell Bellomy torn his ACL and we’ve had a space reserved for him at the club since the end of last year.  Gardner’s numbers in the spring game were not earth shattering—11-16 for 142 and 1 TD—but many pigskin pundits have been raving about him.  Wolverine insiders say he has Robinson’s running ability but he is a much better passer.  Duh!!  Really??  Didn’t they watch Denard for four years and then see his exploits at the Tigers game?  Most Golden Retrievers throw better than Denard Robinson.  Maize and Blue fans picture Gardner winning the Heisman Trophy.  We picture him flat on his back with Zach Born standing over him.  That image is exactly what this club is all about.  We think it should be part of our logo.  Head coach Brady Hoke says he’d like to see improvement in the red zone.  We’d like to see Devin Gardner get his team to the red zone because that didn’t happen in the second half last year in Columbus.  The bottom line, we know an OQbC guy when we see one and he looks a lot like Devin Gardner.  Prediction:  The Buckeyes get another pair of gold pants and Devin gets a “Year 2” pin.  Sweet!!

The committee will have final budget projections by May 1.  If you have any questions or need additional information, please contact us.

Mahalo Nui Loa.

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