I know you don’t care about my lack of time, you only care about my lack of effort. Well, have I got the Tip Sheet for you because all I want to do is go to bed, and I can’t do that until I get this thing written, posted, and I’m not even concerning myself with editing it. I’m just hoping the words read good the first time.
As I mentioned in my Five Predictions piece, which I’m not even going to link because I’m in a hurry, the Chase Young situation commanded a lot of time today. Not that I wrote anything — Tom did all of that. But still, I was also doing things, they just didn’t result in anything publishable.
Does that mean Tom was more productive than me today? What a lousy question. How dare you.
Let’s just get to the Tip Sheet and see if I can justify my lack of effort by making this slightly entertaining with very little thought.
Saturday November 9
Teams: Maryland (3-6, 1-5) at #1 Ohio State (8-0, 5-0)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (FOX)
Cheer For: Ohio State
You’re cheering for Ohio State because you’re tired of seeing the NCAA run this sport like your hobo dad. Comes and goes and you never know when he’s going to spend time at home, but when he shows up out of the blue he expects to be able to still run things. He bosses you around. Yells at you about your bedroom. Throws your Star Wars guys away when you had only stopped playing with them for a few minutes and were totally going to get right back to it after this episode of Alf. I HATE YOU, NCAA! I HATE YOU!!
Ohio State 52 – Maryland 7
Teams: #4 Penn State (8-0, 5-0) at #17 Minnesota (8-0, 5-0)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ABC)
Cheer For: Penn State
You are cheering for Penn State because you want them ranked as highly as possible so that Ohio State can jump back to No. 1 after beating them. The Buckeyes will lose their No. 1 spot after this weekend, but maybe a win over No. 3 Penn State can get them back to the top. I feel pretty decent about Minnesota’s chances here, but they have played nobody. Even Alabama is jealous.
Penn State 24 – Minnesota 20
Teams: #12 Baylor (8-0, 5-0) at TCU (4-4, 2-3)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (FS1)
Cheer For: Baylor
Again, the school of thought here is that you are now rooting for the Big XII or Pac 12 to sneak into the No. 4 spot of the playoffs so that the SEC has to deal with the life of us normals by only getting one team into the playoffs. Unfortunately, your rooting for Baylor here will not pay off. I hope you’re happy with your life choices. I know I am. I JUST WANTED TO FINISH WATCHING ALF. DAMMIT.
TCU 30 – Baylor 27
Teams: Purdue (3-6, 2-4) at Northwestern (1-7, 0-6)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (BTN)
Cheer For: Northwestern
Just cheer for Northwestern. What more do you need from this write-up? Do you want to yell at me now? You think you have the right? Yelling at me since I was seven about never doing the laundry. I was a kid! What do I know about Now I don’t do it because of the trauma I suffered as a child. When somebody even says “spin cycle” I convulse. And you don’t even know how much my life has deteriorated since my stationary bike store opened.
Northwestern 10 – Purdue 9
Teams: #2 LSU (8-0, 4-0) at #3 Alabama (8-0, 5-0)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (CBS)
Cheer For: LSU
You are cheering for LSU because Alabama is desperate for a quality win. If the Tide loses, their best win will probably end up being over an Auburn team that ends up 8-4 on the season. In other words, it might be difficult for them to weasel their way into the playoffs without this win. It will take an awful lot of politicking on Nick Saban’s part. Fortunately for him, he has an entire cable network at his disposal. Tua Tagovailoa playing with a softened angle won’t be ideal either. Joe Burrow is getting tons of attention, but it’s been a while since a quarterback has lit up the Alabama defense. Wait — actually, that’s not true. The last time a quarterback lit up the Alabama defense was the last FIVE TIMES the Crimson Tide played a ranked opponent.
LSU 38 – Alabama 34
Teams: #16 Kansas State (6-2, 3-2) at Texas (5-3, 3-2)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (ESPN)
Cheer For: Kansas State
You are rooting for Kansas State because right now LSU is still getting a bit of a boost from their victory over Texas. It won’t matter in the immediate if they beat Alabama this weekend, but any bit will help OSU down the stretch. The Kansas State win will also make Oklahoma’s loss look better.
Texas 27 – Kansas State 17
Teams: #19 Wake Forest (7-3, 3-1) at Virginia Tech (5-3, 2-2)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (ACCN)
Cheer For: Virginia Tech
Look, I respect that this is a big game for the players and the TV crew and the coaches and the families of the players and the media and the family of the media and the coaches’ wives and their children and the people betting money on this game and the families of those gamblers, but I ain’t watching this and I’ve already written more about this game than I ever promised myself I would. Props to Virginia Tech for not folding after a terrible early start. It’s almost like they play in a terrible conference or something.
Virginia Tech 24 – Wake Forest 19
Teams: Illinois (5-4, 3-3) at Michigan State (4-4, 2-3)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (FS1)
Cheer For: Illinois
I initially went with Michigan State as the team to cheer for, but let’s face it, the Spartans are dead and nothing they can do at this point would help the Buckeyes. Illinois, meanwhile, is a nice story and more wins helps Wisconsin’s loss look less bad. I don’t think the CFP selection folks will have to get this down and dirty when it comes to Ohio State’s fate, but I’m nothing if not thorough.
Michigan State 23 – Illinois 20
Teams: #18 Iowa (6-2, 3-2) at #13 Wisconsin (6-2, 3-2)
Time (TV): 4:00 pm (FOX)
Cheer For: Wisconsin
You are cheering for Wisconsin because you love cheese. You always have. You might even say that it saved your life. You’ll never forget that day. Nobody will. The way the townspeople pawed at your feet, just trying to prove to themselves that you were real and not some angel. So yeah, you’ll be rooting for Wisconsin in this one. Both teams come into this game off of a bye week, which means they’ve had even more time to not change a single damn thing they do.
Wisconsin 28 – Iowa 17
Teams: Missouri (5-3, 2-2) at #6 Georgia (7-1, 4-1)
Time (TV): 7:00 pm (ESPN)
Cheer For: Missouri
Missouri has lost their last two games, both of them on the road against SEC East division teams. Normally there would be no reason to address this game, but Georgia has already shown the ability to totally blow it. Doing it at home probably won’t happen, but the Bulldogs are a flawed team and pointing out other peoples’ flaws is probably the only thing in my life that gives me joy. The problem right now, however, is that I’m too busy to even point out those actual flaws and only have time to mention they have them. That doesn’t give me the same amount of satisfaction, which is unfortunate given the amount of time I’m spending on this and the lack of sleep I will be getting tonight, all in the name of giving you some football stuff to read. Real nice. I hope you are proud of yourself.
Georgia 42 – Missouri 24
Teams: #5 Clemson (9-0, 6-0) at North Carolina State (4-4, 1-3)
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (ABC)
Cheer For: North Carolina State
Clemson big. I’m in the home stretch now, baby. If you are like me and wondering if North Carolina State has a chance, the answer is…doubtful. They have lost by at least 17 points to West Virginia, Florida State, Boston College, and Wake Forest. Good luck cleaning this one off of the road.
Clemson 44 – North Carolina State 14
Teams: Iowa State (5-3, 3-2) at #9 Oklahoma (7-1, 4-1)
Time (TV): 8:00 pm (FOX)
Cheer For: Oklahoma
As long as Ohio State is undefeated, you can cheer for Oklahoma. Matt Campbell’s name has come up for the various jobs that are and aren’t open right now, so you have to wonder if he’s been a little distracted. Iowa State has three losses this season, all by one possession. The Sooners are favored by 14.5 points. They are still in the playoff picture, so Lincoln Riley will have to keep his troops focused. This could be a shaky one for the Sooners, however. Sorry the last game was on a downer, but nobody’s fastest lap is the last one. Cut me some slack. Even now, I should just stop writing, but I feel like I have to say something worth reading or else you’ll be disappointed. It has been 2,905 days since Michigan last beat Ohio State in football. Good night.
Oklahoma 38 – Iowa State 27