In hindsight, I should have just opened the garage door... - buckeye in georgia [22:06:04 08/31/11]
Many years ago when my kids were still young and we were still living in Ohio, our dog was barking in the middle of the night. I didn't feel like getting out of the bed because I had overindulged earlier in the evening and just wanted to sleep it off. But the damn dog wouldn't shut the eff up and the Mrs kicked me out of the bed to go see what was going on.
When I got downstairs, the dog was scratching at the door that opened into the garage and barking and growling. At that point, I thought somebody must be in the garage and maybe I should call the police. Instead I opened the door to see what he was barking at. I open the door and flip on the light and don't see anything. So I walk into the garage and close the door behind me so the dog doesn't come out. That was mistake number one because the damned door locked behind me. As I make my way toward the trash cans, I see the possum. He's laying on the floor and isn't moving. I figure it's dead and move on. Once I've looked around the whole garage, I figure the dog must smell the dead possum and that's what he's barking at. Assuming the possum was dead was mistake number two.
At this point, I decide I'll put the possum in the trash, tell the dog to STFU, and go back to bed. I grab a shovel off the wall so I don't have to touch the thing. This actually turned out to be both a good AND bad move. Good because when I went to scoop the possum he hissed at me and showed his teeth, so he wasn't dead but I didn't get bitten. Bad because when I swung the shovel over my head with the intent of smashing the thing's head, I instead smashed the light bulb that I so desperately needed. The flash from the bulb exploding left me blind. That on top of being half drunk proved to be too much for me to overcome. As I reacted to the flash and sudden darkness, I managed to trip over the lawnmower and smash my face on a tricycle. I think I fell over every object on the floor of the garage as I tried to make my way back to the door. The whole time I am cussing, screaming, yelling, etc. I think the possum was just as scared and disoriented. That son of a bitch managed to knock all kinds of shit off the shelves and contributed greatly to the noise level. When I finally make it to the door, it's locked. I'm in the garage beating the door down and my wife won't open it. She thinks I've confronted a burglar and we're in there fighting and she doesn't want to let the guy in the house. Mr. Possum is running around looking for a way out and I'm bleeding at the door looking for a way in.
At some point my wife called the police and when they got there they opened the garage. Effing possum runs out without them seeing it. Cops are shining lights in my blind ass eyes as I cower into the corner by the door. Those SOBs are ready to shoot me until my wife comes out the front and around to the garage and tells them it's me. They take me out into the driveway and ask me what happened. I tell them and they can't believe I beat myself up so badly trying to get back to the door. Limping, bleeding, etc. Looked like I had been in a fight. They go into the garage and look around for 10-15 minutes and don't find the possum. The whole time they are laughing their asses off and wife isn't helping because she keeps telling them I had been drinking earlier. That poor dog is long dead, but he knew the truth.
The height of confidence is standing up in a hammock.