The time I threw my wife out of the bed... - buckeye in georgia [13:09:38 06/15/12]
Let me start off by saying that this was the scariest night of my life. Despite the positive outcome, I can attest that cops don’t seem to take too kindly to wife beaters. I also want to make it clear that I have never, ever purposely done anything to physically hurt my wife. I have never hit her or pushed her or anything like that with the intent to harm her. That said, here is the story…
In the first year of our marriage, when we were young, energetic, horny, and still liked each other, I had to take my wife to the hospital for six stitches in her head. When the doctor asked my wife what had happened, she told him, truthfully, that I had thrown her into a night stand.
Unfortunately, the conversation with the doctor ended there. The police were called and I was arrested for domestic battery. I was taken to the police station, booked, and put into a cell to await transport to county jail. The whole time I am proclaiming my innocence and trying to tell them WTF happened. Obviously, everybody that gets arrested must act the same way because I am getting nowhere with these guys. That and they are pretty much treating me like $hit and mocking me with tough guy talk because I beat up my tiny wife.
Finally, a detective comes and takes me to a room where he asks me to give him a statement. He advises me that I have the right to an attorney. I told him I don’t need an attorney because this was a total accident and my wife would confirm it. So he turns on the recorder and starts talking to me and asks me what happened.
Me: “My wife and I were in the bed having sex. She was on top and getting into it pretty good and she came down pretty hard and smashed one of my nuts.”
The cop giggles a little bit, which kind of pi$$ed me off, but whatever.
Me: “So, you know, that hurt like Hell, so I yelled at her to get off. And she said, ‘I’m trying!’ and started going faster.”
Cop giggles again and asks me what happened next.
Me: “So I yelled at her again to get off. And she yelled louder, ‘I’m trying!’, and really started going faster and my nut was killing me. So I threw her off of me. And she landed on the floor and hit her head on the night stand.”
Now the cop is laughing out loud. And I kind of laugh a little bit now, too. The cop calls in another cop and I repeat the story. Those two guys are laughing their asses off at me. I didn’t think it was nearly as funny as they did.
Anyhow, they don’t take me to county and wait for my FiL to bring my wife to the jail so they can talk to her. They talk to her for about 30 minutes or so and she confirms what I told them. So they come and get me and let me go and there aren’t any charges. I’m relieved and think that’s the end of it, but no.
When I get into the car, my wife gives me Hell for telling the cops what happened and is pissed off that I embarrassed her so badly in front of so many people. I just kind of sat there in stunned silence and took it.
The height of confidence is standing up in a hammock.