Welcome to “Chickenbleep Saturday,” which is the week before rivalry week when the SEC powers play pattycake with small schools desperate for money and nobody holds the SEC accountable for it.
Despite the lack of interesting games, there are still some games in which you will have a rooting interest. At this point, the Buckeyes may need some help to reach the playoffs since they’re not going to get it from ESPN or the Committee.
While this is an important weekend and you should root, root for the road team, you will also want to manage your exertion because Michigan Week starts as soon as the Maryland game is over.
Saturday November 17
Teams: #10 Ohio State (9-1, 6-1) at Maryland (5-5, 3-4)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ABC)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Ohio State
The Buckeyes will need to make sure they aren’t looking ahead to the Big Ten Championship Game against Northwestern in two weeks. Maryland will be without its starting quarterback, which might actually help them a bit because it will cause everyone else to step up and be more focused. Dwayne Haskins will have a big day and set some more Buckeye records. It’s time for him to get back on the 300-yard train. Or 400-yard train.
Ohio State 38 – Maryland 17
Teams: #14 Penn State (7-3, 4-3) at Rutgers (1-9, 0-7)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (BTN)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Penn State
I am currently writing this Tip Sheet from the passenger seat of a minivan somewhere in the depths of Pennsylvania. I need to hurry up and get things done so that I can start driving again because Tom will need to get some spare parts for his car including ford f150 brake pads. You are rooting for Penn State because rooting for Rutgers is like rooting for deer on the highway.
Penn State 34 – Rutgers 10
Teams: #22 Northwestern (6-4, 6-1) at Minnesota (5-5, 2-5)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (BTN)
Interest: 3
Cheer For: Northwestern
Against all odds and common sense, Northwestern is in the Big Ten Championship Game. You now must root for them so that a win over NU doesn’t actually hurt the Buckeyes in Indianapolis. Would anybody be surprised if the Gophers won here? Other than P.J. Fleck, of course.
Minnesota 20 – Northwestern 17
Teams: #12 Syracuse (8-2) vs. #3 Notre Dame (10-0) (Yankee Stadium)
Time (TV): 2:30 pm (NBC)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Syracuse
You have been a Syracuse fan for most of your life. It’s one of the reasons you’re so miserable. Notre Dame is favored by 10.5 points in this one, but the Orange are primed for the upset. This game is taking place in Yankee Stadium because nobody knows. I would like to check to see what Notre Dame’s record is in the last 20 years against teams ranked No. 12 or better because I bet it’s not great, but I can’t because we are in the hills of Pennsylvania and my cell service is like, “Nah.” I’m just going to say Notre Dame is 2-9 against teams ranked in the Top 12 over the last 20 years. That’s not very good.
Syracuse 34 – Notre Dame 29
Teams: #9 West Virginia (8-1, 6-1) at Oklahoma State (5-5, 2-5)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (ABC)
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: Oklahoma State
You need West Virginia to start losing. For one, it knocks them behind Ohio State, and for two, if Oklahoma beats them twice in a row next week and in the Big XII Championship Game the week after, then you’re looking at an 8-4 WVU team, which isn’t as impressive as Ohio State beating a 10-1 Michigan team. Sure, you love the easy-going ways in which the Mountaineers wear their hair, and you can get behind the idea of living in a holler, but John Denver’s plane landed on your grandparents’ house, so you can never root for West Virginia.
Oklahoma State 48 – West Virginia 37
Teams: Indiana (5-5, 2-5) at #4 Michigan (9-1, 7-0)
Time (TV): 4:00 pm (FS1)
Interest: 4
Cheer For: Michigan
Indiana doesn’t have enough scoring to make this game interesting for more than three quarters, and that’s only if the Hoosiers can shut out Michigan’s offense. I expect the Wolverine defense to outscore the Hoosiers, but I’ll be more interested to see how Michigan’s offense does against an Indiana defense that can sometimes not be terrible. UM quarterback Shea Patterson continues to get better. I wonder if the Steinbrenners can interest him in playing for the Yankees next week.
Michigan 31 – Indiana 0
Teams: Duke (7-3, 3-3) at #2 Clemson (10-0, 7-0)
Time (TV): 7:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 1
Cheer For: Duke
You are rooting for Duke because tobacco farming is all you’ve ever known. If Clemsoning is still a thing, then it will happen this weekend. Don’t worry, though, because even if it does happen, the Tigers are still going to be in the playoffs. They’re pretty much just like Alabama, except Bama’s cars are better.
Clemson 48 – Duke 24
Teams: Kansas (3-7, 1-6) at #6 Oklahoma (9-1, 6-1)
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (FOX)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Kansas
You are officially a Kansas football fans, which means that you have hit rock bottom. Now that you have hit rock bottom, however, you can begin to put your life back together. You can stop showering with a robe on. You can begin leaving the house again. You don’t have to be ensconced in Doritos. And you may want to get out of the house on Saturday night because there is no reason for you to watch this game. Yes, Oklahoma has choked in the past, but don’t expect it here. There are no jagged parts to Kansas football.
Oklahoma 58 – Kansas 27
Teams: #24 Cincinnati (9-1, 5-1) at #11 UCF (9-0, 6-0)
Time (TV): 8:00 pm (ABC)
Interest: 4
Cheer For: Cincinnati
This would be a huge win for Luke Fickell, which you would be happy to see. Also, since there is nothing else going on, you’re probably going to watch this game. “Let’s see all of the hub-bub with UCF,” you’ll say. “I’ll see for myself how good they are,” you say. “I don’t care if they are maternity jeans, they look good on me,” you say. If UCF chokes here after getting ESPN Gameday to come to town, then it’s still really no big deal because who cares about UCF.
UCF 33 – Cincinnati 20
Teams: #16 Iowa State (6-3, 5-2) at #15 Texas (7-3, 5-2)
Time (TV): 8:00 pm (LHN)
Interest: 2
Cheer For: Iowa State
You are cheering for Iowa State because you do not approve of the life that the Texas head coach has allegedly been living. Masseuses are a waste of money and you just hate to see people throw away their hard-earned wages when all they really need is to practice better posture. This game feels like one that Texas is due to lose, especially with how distracted the program had to be this week.
Iowa State 23 – Texas 20
Teams: Michigan State (6-4, 4-3) at Nebraska (3-7, 2-5)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (FOX)
Interest: 2.5
Cheer For: Michigan State
A Spartan win would help the Buckeyes, but you know better than to rely on something as pitiful as Michigan State’s offense. Nebraska is getting better and better, even if it doesn’t always show. They could very well put everything together this week and show the Spartans just how far they’ve come. They will still need to play defense, but the good news is that Michigan State’s offense is like taking candy from a baby who willingly gives away candy.
Nebraska 24 – Michigan State 20
Teams: Arizona (5-5, 4-3) at #8 Washington State (9-1, 6-1)
Time (TV): 10:30 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 3
Cheer For: Arizona
You are cheering for Arizona because if Washington State keeps winning, it may not matter what Ohio State does against Michigan and Northwestern. The Cougars’ only loss this season was controversial, which will only be brought up about 7,000 times if it comes down to OSU and Wazzu. When it comes to comparing losses, Ohio State’s loss to Purdue is much worse than the Cougs’ loss to USC. It may not matter much longer anyway, Mike Leach always finds a way to lose a game down the stretch.
Washington State 42 – Arizona 14