Late May is the time of year when college football fans would do just about anything to watch a live game, no matter how awful it is.
Two low-level MAC teams playing in front of 5,000 fans on a Tuesday night? Bring it on!
But there are clearly some games you’d be more excited to see than others.
This is about some Buckeye games starting in 2000 that fall into the latter category.
It is not a list of losses. In fact, the Buckeyes actually won most of these. But they looked like an absolutely steaming pile of crap while doing it. And so did the team they were playing.
This is a loving tribute to some of those absolutely awful games that leave you wondering why you paid perfectly good money to watch… whatever that just was.
Think about basically every Buckeye trip to Champaign, Illinois. Yeah, that’s the aesthetic we’re going for.
2001: UCLA 13, Ohio State 6
Jim Tressel’s first trip to Pasadena as head coach is not exactly going to go down in history as a Rose Bowl classic.
The box score is a masterpiece. OSU put up 166 yards of total offense on the day. They had just eight first downs, including one through the air.
UCLA scored first on a 24-yard touchdown pass in the middle of the first quarter to take a 7-0 lead.
OSU answered when Ricky Bryant fell on a blocked punt in the end zone, but Mike Nugent missed the extra point. That was as close as the Buckeyes would get.
Fullback Jamar Martin had a 31-yard carry. The Bucks averaged 2.6 yards on their other 57 snaps.
Steve Bellisari went 5-for-23 for 45 yards and two interceptions. They could have played 12 quarters and OSU probably would have finished with that same six points.
When UCLA added field goals in the second and third quarter to make it 13-6, it felt like they were running up the score.
2003: Ohio State 16, San Diego State 13
The defending national champions opened their season with a decisive 28-9 win over what was supposed to be a good Washington team.
(RON HOWARD NARRATOR VOICE): It wasn’t.
Expectations were high the next week when lowly San Diego State came to town.
The Buckeyes entered as 32-point favorites, but things quickly went off the rails. On the first snap of the game, Craig Krenzel threw an interception.
SDSU took over at the OSU 23. Four plays later, they had a 7-0 lead.
With 13:42 left in the first quarter, the final offensive touchdown of the game had already been scored.
OSU answered with a field goal from Nugent to cut it to 7-3.
The Aztecs drove inside the Buckeyes’ 5 on their next possession before safety Will Allen jumped a slant route in the end zone. He picked it off and ran it back 100 yards for a touchdown. All of a sudden instead of potentially trailing 14-3, the Buckeyes were up 10-7.
Ohio State seemed poised to take things over when Robert Reynolds intercepted a pass and returned it to the SDSU 23. But the offense bogged down and had to settle for another field goal.
After the Aztecs cut it to 13-10, the Buckeye defense forced a fumble at the SDSU 21.
Again, the offense did nothing with it, and Nugent kicked another field goal.
OSU’s scoring drives on offense all ended in field goals, and went 33 yards, 8 yards, and 4 yards.
The Buckeyes finished with 196 yards of total offense and committed 124 yards worth of penalties.
Krenzel was 5-for-20 for 76 yards. OSU finished the day 1-for-14 on third downs.
OSU’s drive chart for the final three quarters: Punt, punt, end of half, fumble, punt, end of half, missed field goal, field goal, punt, punt, end of game.
2006: Ohio State 17, Illinois 10
Unless you are in the wind energy business, nothing good ever happens in Champaign, Illinois.
The Illini are terrible at football, and outside of a couple memorable exceptions, have been for basically 30 years. They have had one season of double-digit wins since 1989. They have had five seasons of double-digit losses since then.
But like a mortally-wounded sea monster, they are always going to do their very best to drag you down to the bottom with them.
The 2006 Ohio State team was one of the most explosive in Buckeye history. They scored 35+ points in nine of their 12 regular season games. The other two were a 24-7 win at No. 2 Texas and a 28-6 win over Penn State.
Entering the November 4 game against the 2-7 Illini, the Buckeyes had won every game by three scores or more.
And then the sea monster got hold of them. Illinois actually outgained the Buckeyes in both total yardage (233 to 224) and on a per-play basis (4.1 to 3.2).
With that said, OSU was never seriously threatened for the first 58 minutes of the game. The Bucks had a 7-0 lead after one quarter, stretched it to 14-0 just a couple minutes into the second quarter. They tacked on a field goal just before the half to make it 17-0.
After that, their drives ended: Punt, punt, punt, punt, interception, punt, and punt.
Eventually, Illinois was able to take advantage. They kicked a field goal with 8:54 to play in the game, then scored a touchdown with 1:43 left on the clock.
The Buckeyes recovered the onside kick, and were able to kill all but a couple seconds. Illinois got the ball back at its own 2 with 0:04 left and couldn’t pull off anything miraculous.
2007: Ohio State 20, Akron 2
The 2007 season is known as one of the craziest, most unpredictable in history. This game happened one week after Appalachian State shocked No. 5 Michigan.
And for a while, it looked like No. 12 Ohio State might be in some danger against a similarly unheralded opponent.
Akron stuffed Beanie Wells in the end zone for an early safety, and that 2-0 lead held up until the middle of the second quarter.
Ryan Pretorius kicked a field goal to make it 3-2, and that’s how it went to halftime.
It was still 6-2 more than halfway through the third quarter before the Buckeyes finally punched in a touchdown.
OSU turned the ball over five times and finished with 363 yards of total offense, while holding Akron to just 69.
The Ohio State drive chart is a football version of Murphy’s Law: Punt, safety, punt, interception, interception, field goal, punt, fumble, end of half, field goal, touchdown, punt, fumble, touchdown, fumble, end of game.
The Akron drive chart is basically performance art: Punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, fumble. Enjoy Arby’s.
2008: Penn State 13, Ohio State 6
The 2008 season was a really bizarre one in Columbus. The Buckeyes got absolutely destroyed by USC, 35-3. They played two other non-conference games that were considered for possible inclusion on this list.
But by the time No. 3 Penn State came to town in late October, OSU was back in the top-10. True freshman quarterback Terrelle Pryor was starting to play like he belonged at the college level and things were looking up.
And then came a prime-time rock fight against the Nittany Lions. Penn State stacked the line all night, holding the Buckeyes to just 2.0 yards per rush and daring Pryor to beat them through the air.
OSU actually led it 6-3 early in the fourth quarter and had the ball at midfield, facing a 3rd-and-1. But Pryor fumbled the ball away on a sneak. Multiple Buckeyes seemed to be in position to recover, but couldn’t bring it in. Penn State recovered at the OSU 38.
That set up the only touchdown drive of the game. PSU scored to go ahead with 6:25 to play.
Ohio State drove into Penn State territory in the final minute, but Pryor’s desperation pass was intercepted at the goal line.
Neither team managed to crack 300 yards of total offense.
2011: Michigan State 10, Ohio State 7
However bad you remember this game being, it was far worse.
OSU entered with a 3-1 record, but this was the day that let Buckeye fans know that 2011 was not going to be their season.
Michigan State scored a touchdown with 7:44 left in the first quarter. And then… nothing happened for basically two hours.
The Buckeyes couldn’t get anything going on offense. Like… at all. For the first 58 minutes of the game, their drives ended: Punt, punt, punt, punt, interception, punt, end of half, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, downs.
The eighth of those punts was kicked from their own end zone, and gave MSU the ball at the Ohio State 39. The Spartans managed seven yards on three plays and kicked a field goal to build an insurmountable 10-0 lead.
OSU got the ball back with 1:51 to play and went 62 yards for a quick score against a prevent defense. But the Spartans recovered the ensuing onside kick and that was it.
OSU finished with 39 rushes for 35 yards. They averaged 2.8 yards per play, including that late drive. But for the first 58 minutes of the game, they had 116 yards on 57 plays, good for a smooth 2.0 yards per play.
2011: Ohio State 17, Illinois 7
If you had to explain the 2011 Ohio State football season to someone, the last game and this one would do nicely.
This was the perfect blend of “terrible football team” and “playing in Champaign.”
Illinois entered 6-0 and ranked #16 in the nation. And then they lost to a team that completed one pass all day.
It was 3-0 Buckeyes at halftime. Boom Herron had a touchdown run in the third quarter, and then Braxton Miller hit Jake Stoneburner for a 17-yard touchdown early in the fourth.
Miller finished 1-for-4 passing on the day for those 17 yards.
Illinois answered with a 16-play, 80-yard drive for their only touchdown, but chewed up 6:44 off the clock when they really needed to be hurrying.
Ohio State was content to spend most of the day just pounding the ball between the tackles and running the clock. The Buckeyes had just 12 possessions in the game, and Illinois had only 11.
OSU finished with 228 yards of total offense and 273 yards of punts. And they won, on the road, against a ranked team.
Those Buckeyes won just two of their last six games, including a Gator Bowl loss to Florida.
Illinois, which had entered the OSU game at 6-0, finished the regular season at 6-6. And then they won the Fight Hunger Bowl against a 6-7 UCLA team. But only because according to the rules someone had to win.