The-Ozone Rewind: The Opposing Quarterbacks Club, 2002

[Editor’s Note: From now until Big Ten Media Days, we’ll be reaching into The-Ozone’s 23 years worth of archives and each day we will be posting a story from yesteryear. Big moments, small moments, big games, bigger games, and the random recruiting updates about guys you haven’t thought about in a decade or two.]

October 22, 2002 | The Opposing Quarterbacks Club holds a special place in many of our longtime readers’ hearts, and not just because it was part of the wild ride known as the 2002 season. Written by The-Ozone contributor John Kreinbihl, the Opposing Quarterbacks Club had its humble beginnings on the Fan Forum and chronicled the fictional support group of quarterbacks who had gone up against Will Smith, Darrion Scott, Matt Wilhelm, Kenny Peterson, etc. the week before. Which quarterbacks attended the meeting below? Texas Tech’s Heisman candidate and current Arizona Cardinals head coach Kliff Kingsbury, Kent State quarterback and former NFL special teams great Joshua Cribbs, Washington State Heisman candidate quarterback Jason Gesser, Cincinnati’s Gino Guidugli, San Jose State’s Scott Rislov, Wisconsin’s Brooks Bollinger, and Penn State’s Zack Mills. — TG

Minutes of the Meeting of 10/22/02

Moderator: OK guys, let’s get started. I’ll officially call this meeting of the QBTGTBKBTB (Quarterbacks-That-Got-Their-Butts-Kicked-By-The-Buckeyes) Club to order. We’ll start with the roll call then introduce this week’s guest.

Moderator: Kingsbury?
Kingsbury: Here.
Moderator: Cribbs?
Cribbs: Here.
Moderator: Gesser?
Gesser: Here
Moderator: Guidugli?
Guidugli: Present and accounted for.
Moderator: Rislov?
Rislov: Here.
Moderator: Bollinger?
Bollinger: Here. I think, I really don’t remember…

Moderator: Thank you gentlemen. This weeks guest is Zack Mills from the Pennsylvania State University. Zack is the left-handed, sophomore quarterback for the Nittany Lions who are currently ranked 18th in the polls and play at Ohio State on Saturday. Please make him feel welcome.

Kingsbury: Hey Zack.
Gesser: Howzit Brah?
Cribbs: ‘Sup Zack?
Bollinger: Who is Zack?

Moderator: As is the mission of the QBTGTBKBTB Club, we want to provide valuable input to Mr. Mills on exactly what he can expect on Saturday and to begin the process of making him a member of the club.

Zack, we urge you to take notes, ask questions, and above all, listen closely to what these guys have to say because they have experienced first-hand what you will encounter on Saturday. At this point, it’s an open forum. Who’d like to begin?

Kingsbury: I’ll start. Zack, I came flying into Ohio Stadium in late August. Our first game. National TV. My Heisman campaign underway, my own website and being a Senior, tons of experience. It was nothin’. We lit these guys up for over 350 yards and scored three touchdowns!!! I was slingin’ the ball all over the yard. I can tell you first hand that when we scored late in the fourth quarter–the first score against the band and the second after everyone had gone home–was as easy as ANYTHING I’ve ever done in my life. Like a hot knife thru melted butter. The rest of the time however was nothing more than complete hell. I was sacked 7 times!!! And even if it wasn’t an “official” sack, these guys hit me all day long. One guy nearly killed me. We played our asses off and were down 38-7 after 3 quarters. Man they just come in waves. Speaking of waves, why don’t we get reaction from our Hawaiian member, Jason Gesser from Washington State.

Gesser: Don’t worry Zack, these guys suck. I mean we were ahead 7-6 at halftime. If it had starting raining really hard or been a lot of lighting or something that caused the rest of the game to be cancelled, we would have won the game. Remember, I was playing without my best receiver–and at one point without most of my insides after Darrion Scott hit me–during that game and I can tell you without reservation that the visitors benches at Ohio State are more comfortable that any I’ve ever been on. I know ‘cuz I spent almost all of the second half there watching Maurice Clarett run for about 6 gazillion yards. It was so cool watching him run that when we got the ball back, I tried to quickly go 3 and out so I could get back to watching him run. Just amazing!!! The other thing like Kliff said, they just kill you all day. The shot I took from Darion Scott almost broke me into pieces. I was trying to move in the pocket to find an open lane, and WHAM!!!!! the biggest truck I’ve ever seen ran through me at 65 miles an hour. The OSU trainers found my spleen on the field two days later and mailed it to me!!!

Oh and before I forget, make sure your special teams really suck when you play Ohio State. That’s very important to getting your ass kicked by the Buckeyes.

Cribbs: I had two beautiful passes for TD’s in our game. Too bad they were both thrown to OSU guys. Doss ran one about 97 yards and a freshman LB [Editor’s Note: “freshman LB” = AJ Hawk] took it to the house from about 50 yards. We only lost by 34 points which is impressive because at one point early in the second quarter, we were down 38 points. I led my team to two scores before halftime against five freshmen, four 70-year old ushers, a kid in the eighth grade and a Golden Retriever. Those guys sucked, but the real Buckeyes, that’s another story all together.

ALL (together): That’s another story.

Rislov: You know I had one of the most efficient passing days in the history of college football against the Bucks. I was like 293 for 296 for almost 22 yards–we threw a lot of underneath stuff–and was driving in for a tying score when #6 came on a blitz like a Navy jet and hit me square in the chest. He hit me so hard my ribs were sticking out my back and the only thing that got them back into place was the force of me hitting the ground. It knocked the wind out of me, the ball out of my hand, the fillings out of my molars and the 5 off my jersey!!! Oh the pain. We were this close to winning the game at that point but then everything changed. We played well and managed to keep OSU under 60 points as they squeaked by 50-7. Hey Bollinger, didn’t that #6 Grant get a clean hit on you last week?

Bollinger: He did? I don’t remember anything from last week. I remember practicing for OSU all week and then going to class yesterday. Everything in between is just gone. It’s not fun Zack. I hope you don’t have a big exam next Monday.

Guidugli: I, for one, did almost beat these guys. Of course the game was at our place. The biggest game in our history, yadda yadda, but I too can tell you about a hit that changed the game. Again it was the Scott fellow–NEVER take your eyes off him, NEVER. He blew through me, caused a fumble, the Bucks recovered and they scored. Pretty much the end of the game. By the way, OSU is so good, they have a wide receiver that plays cornerback. CORNERBACK. It’s Gamble, #7. Don’t be the big, “I’m the he-man quarterback and I can burn anybody guy” if you see Gamble in the game on defense. Don’t throw to him. I tried and it didn’t work. Same for Wisconsin. After the Badger coaching staff took Bollinger to the “looney” room, Sorgi tried to pick on Gamble. Same results. Intercepted in the end zone. Game over. Don’t throw it towards Gamble. Throw it away. For about 3 hours on Saturday, your life is going to suck. After the game, the only referee decision JoePa will be bitching about is why they didn’t stop the game earlier.

Moderator: Mr. Mills any questions for the members?

Mills: I’ve played against Iowa and Michigan. Is Ohio State better than those two teams?

Cribbs: Does red meat taste better than dirt? Is nine more than two? Playing against Iowa and Michigan will feel like two weeks vacation after you play Ohio State. Are they better than Iowa and Michigan? What kinda question is that? Boy, get your head together or the Buckeye defense might kill you. Hells bells son, I’d rather play aginst the Bengals than the Buckeyes.

Gesser: Amen brother.

Mills: What are the Buckeyes’ defensive keys?

Kingsbury: Their keys are real simple. They line up, you say hike, they crush you. You do that three times, you punt. They get the ball and score. Next series, same thing. It’s a pretty simple defense to prepare for. Just remember, it’s huddle, then hike, then HANG ON!!!

Mills: I really think we can be effective against these guys…

Kingsbury: And I thought I had a shot at the Heisman.

Gesser: Let me guess, you’re gonna spread things out, use open formations, take what they give you and occasionally try for the home run, right??? Here’s a better idea. Keep 14 guys in to protect you and take the “too many guys on the field penalty” each down and don’t try for the home run, just try RUNNING HOME!!!! –as fast as your little feet will carry you!! We all said the same thing before our game with the Bucks. That’s why we’re here. You just don’t get it do you? Right, Bollinger?

Bollinger: I like applesauce.

Moderator: Well Mr. Mills, it time to adjourn this session. Each of the guys you just met have to get to the training room to tend to the injuries they received in the OSU game. Good luck on Saturday and we’ll see you next week when you relate your experience against the Bucks to Mr. Asad Adbul-Kahliq of Minnesota.

(Editor’s Note: Ohio State would go on to beat Penn State 13-7, with Chris Gamble’s 40-yard interception return for a touchdown in the third quarter being the difference. You can’t say Gino Guidugli didn’t try warning Zack Mills, who completed 14-of-28 passes on the day for 98 yards. He was only sacked once, but he did throw three interceptions, including one to the same freshman linebacker who had an interception against San Jose State.)