The Tip Sheet — Confessions of an Appliance Thief

Welcome to the first week of the college football season.

Would it surprise you to know that I’m already a bit behind?

Do you even care?

Of course you don’t. You never did. That’s why it never worked out for us.

I wanted to write about sports and explore local rivers and research regional barn histories and you wanted to be a hostage negotiator. I stuck by you all those times you kept getting arrested when you’d burst past the line of police cars and try to negotiate with a madman.

Half the time the guy would let his hostages go just so he could come out to watch you get tazed by the officers taking you to the ground.

The entire time you’d be getting taken down, you’d be offering things to get the guy to turn himself in. I still remember the one time you offered a “heliCOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPter” right as you got tazed.

But anyway, this isn’t about us, this is about college football and knowing who you should root for in order for the Buckeyes to reach the College Football Playoffs.

Let us begin.

Thursday August 29

Teams: UCLA at Cincinnati
Time: 7:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Cincinnati

This is where you get a chance to scout Ohio State’s week two opponent and take notes that you will later email to Ryan Day so that he doesn’t miss anything. You’ll mention that your uncle Rick thinks the Buckeyes are going to lose this game because Luke Fickell used to play at Ohio State. Your aunt Jean, however, believes in the Buckeyes because they know what’s on the line. Rick and Jean are no longer together, you tell Day, because Rick was busted stealing washing machines from a warehouse and Jean “refuses to forgive him.” Later on in your email, you confess that you are actually Rick and Jean is the wife who always wanted a nice washing machine, but when you finally found a way to get her one, she suddenly wants nothing to do with you. “Can you believe that crap,” you write.

Cincinnati 34, UCLA 24

Teams: Georgia Tech at #1 Clemson
Time: 8:00 pm (ACCN)
Interest: 2
Cheer For: Georgia Tech

This was rated a 5, but then I remembered that Paul Johnson retired and Georgia Tech was moving to a basic spread offense and that they’re going to get killed. Fortunately, most of you don’t get the ACC Network, so you won’t have to worry about rubbernecking this game.

Clemson 66 – Georgia Tech 0

Teams: South Dakota State at Minnesota
Time: 9:00 pm (FS1)
Interest: 2
Cheer For: Minnesota

This is the kind of game the mid-level Big Ten West teams lose. This is also the kind of game the upper-level Big Ten West teams lose. South Dakota State went 10-3 last year and the Gophers come into this game looking to establish themselves as one of those upper-level teams who loses to teams like this. Maybe they can reach their goal this week in a close loss to the Jackrabbits!

Minnesota 24 – South Dakota State 13

Teams: #14 Utah at BYU
Time: 10:15 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 4
Cheer For: BYU

Utah is a 6-point favorite in this year’s edition of the Holy War. The Utes are 58-31-4 in the series all-time and have won eight in a row. Utah is a popular playoff pick right now, though that may change after this game. BYU returns 17 starters. The Cougars are 1-6 against ranked opponents the last four years, with their win last season against “Number 6” Wisconsin being the lone win. This will be a nice nightcap for the first full night of the college football season.

Utah 28 – BYU 24

Friday August 30

Teams: #19 Wisconsin at USF
Time: 7:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 3
Cheer For: Wisconsin

Let’s watch this game and see how starting quarterback Jack Coan does for the Badgers. The future of the program is freshman quarterback Graham Mertz. Will we see him on Friday? I’ll be watching so you don’t have to.

Wisconsin 27 – USF 20

Teams: Tulsa at #18 Michigan State
Time: 7:00 pm (FS1)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Michigan State

The Spartans are favored by 23.5 points, which means I don’t have to waste time and do actual research on this game and I can just wing it. I am interested in seeing MSU quarterback Brian Lewerke return to his 2017 form. He was banged up most of last year. He is a playmaker and his full-strength self was greatly missed last year.

Michigan State 38 – Tulsa 0

Teams: UMass at Rutgers
Time: 7:00 pm (BTN)
Interest: LOL
Cheer For: Rutgers

This is what we call a “Turnpike Game.” It’s free to get in, but will cost you $20 to get out.

Rutgers 24 – UMass 17

Teams: Purdue at Nevada
Time: 9:30 pm (CBSSN)
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: Purdue

I have decades of respect for Nevada football. They gave us the pistol formation and all-time greats Trevor Insley and Chance Kretschmer were responsible for helping me win a couple of fantasy leagues back in the day. And I don’t think anybody from Purdue has ever helped me do anything, except for that time Neil Armstrong did my sixth-grade science fair project for me. I was sworn to secrecy, but NASA is releasing everything nowadays, so I am free to talk about this. He did a clay volcano with baking soda and vinegar as the lava. It was unbelievably shoddy. There is nothing more disappointing than when you blackmail somebody into doing something you don’t want to do and then they don’t do it any better than you would have. Thanks a lot, Neil. Anyway, I can’t wait to watch Rondale Moore, which means he’s going to have three catches for 14 yards.

Purdue 45 – Nevada 24

Saturday August 31

Teams: Florida Atlantic at #5 Ohio State
Time: 12:00 pm (FOX)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Ohio State

The Ryan Day Era gets underway and what better way to start it than with the biggest game of the week? Justin Fields will be getting his first career start and a brand new Buckeye defense will be looking to return the old Silver Bullets to their proper form. We may not learn everything from this game, but we may learn enough to be furious, which is sometimes all we really want anyway. Florida Atlantic is replacing half of their starters, and may want to replace the rest after this one. The Buckeyes are favored by 27.5 points. They have covered in their last five season openers. It took future NFL Hall of Famer and former Buffalo linebacker/defensive end Khalil Mack to keep OSU from covering in 2013.

Teams: South Alabama at #24 Nebraska
Time: 12:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Nebraska

I don’t know what kind of analysis you’re looking for here. It’s just football. Figure it out for your damn self. You think I like coming to this office every day and cranking out content about a meaningless game when I would rather be out there doing my barn research? Do you know how many historic family barns we lose per year? Me neither, because I’m too busy doing crap like this!

Nebraska 59 – South Alabama 3

Teams: Howard at Maryland
Time: 12:00 pm (BTN)
Interest: 1
Cheer For: Maryland

The over/under for Anthony McFarland rushing yards this week is 423 — assuming this Howard defense is only slightly worse than Ohio State’s defense last year. The Mike Locksley Era gets underway on Saturday, so make sure you watch because you just never know how long these things are going to last. Also, don’t get too close — you might lose some eyebrows.

Maryland 45 – Howard 17

Teams: Akron at Illinois
Time: 12:00 pm (BTN)
Interest: 1
Cheer For: Illinois

Welcome to the Akron of the MAC against the Akron of the Big Ten. This game is smeared with dirt and for some reason there is a half-gallon of milk and an ashtray full of half-smoked cigarettes sitting out on the coffee table.

Illinois 31 – Akron 10

Teams: Boise State at Florida State
Time: 12:00 pm (ESPNNews)
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: Boise State

This game was moved from a 7:00 pm Jacksonville kick to a noon kick in Tallahassee because of an impending hurricane. James Blackman won the starting quarterback job for the Noles over Wisconsin transfer Alex Hornibrook, so you know Blackman must be good. Or at least average. Florida State is a 6.5-point favorite currently, and that may go up after having the game moved from a neutral site like Jacksonville to a home atmosphere in Tallahassee. There is some significant pressure on FSU head coach Willie Taggart after last year’s year one debacle.

Florida State 31 – Boise State 27

Teams: Indiana vs. Ball State (Indianapolis, IN)
Time: 12:00 pm (CBSSN)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Indiana

After this game, both teams are going out to eat at Cracker Barrel together.

Indiana 42 – Ball State 17

Teams: Duke vs. #2 Alabama (Atlanta, GA)
Time: 3:30 pm (ABC)
Interest: 1
Cheer For: Duke

Welcome to Alabama’s big non-conference game this year. They are favored by 33.5 points. If you are favored by 33.5 points against your stiffest non-conference opponent, you should be made fun of by everyone. For scheduling like cowards, you should have to write a letter of apology to each of your fans. Or in Alabama’s case, they’d probably have to draw an apology picture instead.

Alabama 59 – Duke 17

Teams: North Carolina vs. South Carolina (Charlotte, NC)
Time: 3:30 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 3
Cheer For: North Carolina

You’re cheering for North Carolina because everybody likes Mack Brown. The Tar Heels are starting freshman quarterback Sam Howell, who had offers from the nation’s best programs. South Carolina brings in an experienced quarterback who can sometimes be good and other times be bad. The Gamecocks are favored by 11 in this one, so they’ll need the good version of quarterback Jake Bentley. The last time UNC won in this series was 1991, which was a team also coached by Mack Brown. It’s too early in his tenure for his recruiting to work, but Howell will be interesting to watch.

South Carolina 37 – North Carolina 20

Teams: Idaho at #15 Penn State
Time: 3:30 pm (BTN)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Penn State

You might not believe it, but Penn State and Idaho have a long-storied rivalry. They first played in 1924 in a game in Moscow, Idaho, but didn’t play the return game until 1927 because that’s how long it took to drive back from the first game. Penn State is starting a new quarterback, so let’s see how Sean Clifford does. Watch linebacker Micah Parsons, who wanted to be a Buckeye, but met Kirk Herbstreit instead and then wasn’t allowed by the NCAA to sign with Ohio State.

Penn State 48 – Idaho 13

Teams: Northwestern at #25 Stanford
Time: 4:00 pm (FOX)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Northwestern

It’s football…for nerds, by nerds. Pat Fitzgerald has been coy about naming his starting quarterback, and maybe he’s named him over the last day or so, and sure I could find out if I wanted, but it’s 6:32 pm and I’ve got 28 minutes to hit “publish” on this mess. Do I want to serve an undercooked Tip Sheet? No, but I have to put something on the plate and serve it to the judges! Stanford is favored by 6.5 points. This is one of the best non-conference games on the Big Ten slate, so this would be a good win for everybody in the conference. No pressure, Northwestern, but if you lose this, we’re gonna stack your locker and while you’re picking your books off the floor, we’re gonna give you the biggest snuggie you’ve ever seen. All I have been talking about with Northwestern is how they are going to lose five of their first six, including this one. Or at least that’s what I thought.

Northwestern 20 – Stanford 17

Teams: #11 Oregon vs. #16 Auburn (Arlington, TX)
Time: 7:30 pm (ABC)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Oregon

It’s the biggest game of the weekend. This is the game where the SEC stakes their claim as the best conference in the nation. The Tigers are starting true freshman quarterback Bo Nix, so if they do win this one, that would be bad news for the rest of the country. Oregon quarterback Justin Herbert is back after saying no to the NFL and choosing to return to college in order to be an overrated quarterback one last time. Auburn is favored by 4 points after opening at -3.5.

Auburn 24 – Oregon 20

Teams: Miami (OH) at #20 Iowa
Time: 7:30 pm (FS1)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Iowa

Do you ever think when Mr. FOX paid to air all of these Big Ten games that he thought to himself, “Man, I can’t wait to get that Miami-Iowa game in 2019!” After saying that, he then got into his Chevette and threw twenties out the window while driving. He eventually got caught in a round-a-bout that he could not get out of but ran out of gas before he ran out of cash.

Iowa 38 – Miami 13

Teams: #3 Georgia at Vanderbilt
Time: 7:30 pm (SECN)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Vanderbilt

You are cheering for Vanderbilt because you like to think of yourself as an intellectual. The tag on your shirt collar at the front of your neck, however, would beg to differ.

Georgia 52 – Vanderbilt 10

Teams: Middle Tennessee at #7 Michigan
Time: 7:30 pm (BTN)
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: Michigan

You are cheering for Michigan because you respect head coach Jim Harbaugh and the way he responds to adversity and can appreciate when his team clearly gives up a yard on fourth-and-one and handles it like a man. Michigan is breaking in a new offense with offensive coordinator Josh Gattis who has never called plays before. There is a new defensive staff with defensive coordinator Don Brown as well. Quarterback Shea Patterson may set some records in this one, which means he will be your August Heisman winner and your early leader for the September Heisman. Let’s keep an eye on Michigan’s defense because the talent took a hit from last year. Also watch freshman running back Zach Charbonnet, who could be the answer to their ground game concerns this year.

Michigan 56 – Middle Tennessee 10

Sunday September 1

Teams: Houston at #4 Oklahoma
Time: 7:30 pm (ABC)
Interest: 4.5
Cheer For: Houston

Former Ohio State co-defensive coordinator Alex Grinch is now at Oklahoma, possibly fixing what has held them back the last few years. Former Alabama quarterback Jalen Hurts is the new guy for the Sooners, possibly breaking what has propelled them forward the last few years. Oklahoma opened as a 26-point favorite, but the line is now down to 23 points. Grinch’s defense is going to be put to the test against a very good Cougs offense, led by senior quarterback D’Eriq King, who threw for 2,982 yards and 36 touchdowns last year. He also ran for 873 yards. Looking at his numbers, it’s pretty surprising he didn’t transfer to Oklahoma in the offseason.

Oklahoma 52 – Houston 31

Monday September 2

Teams: #9 Notre Dame at Louisville
Time: 8:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 3
Cheer For: Louisville

Let’s see what new Louisville head coach Kenny Satterfeld, who comes over from Appalachian State, can do for the Cardinals. There is some talent to work with, but the culture is such a mess that it  Notre Dame is favored by 18 points and many people see the Irish as a possible playoff contender. Many people also see Bigfoot. The difference here is that I believe the Bigfoot people more than the Irish people. Though I am looking forward to the new TV show this fall where Brady Quinn goes traipsing around in the woods looking for Notre Dame’s playoff chances.

Notre Dame 34 – Louisville 17