The Tip Sheet: Weak Zero

College football is back!

Sort of.

There are four games on television this weekend and we will cover each of them in the kind of musky depth that you have come to expect from your preeminent source for whatever it is that happens here.

These may not be ideal games, but it’s better than another weekend trying to intimidate kids at Magic Mountain by telling them that you brought your own Skee-Ball balls and they better watch out because you have your eye on the giant panda and you only need 600 more tickets and if anybody thinks they’re getting that panda before you, they’ve got another thing coming.

But I suppose you could still do that on Fridays.

Anyway, this Tip Sheet doesn’t count, but I thought it would be good to get my thinking cap back on and do some in-depth research and basically take a practice swing before things really get going next week.

Saturday August 24

Teams: Villanova at Colgate
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (CBSSN)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Colgate

I’ll be damned if I’m doing any research on this game. I do know that both of these places are schools located somewhere east of where I am right now. I’m pretty sure Villanova is in Philadelphia and I’ll guess Colgate is in New Jersey or New York. Somewhere I have no desire to be. I believe both schools play football. Or at least I hope they do. It would not be right if only one of these two schools fields an actual team and the other school just puts some random students out there. That’s what the Big Ten had to do their first 30 years in existence, which is why Michigan has so many Big Ten titles. I can’t believe I am going to watch this entire game. And possibly not just watch it, but also drinkwatch it. Actually, that’s probably the only way to watch the entire thing. I have no idea who is favored, but I like the home team here because.

Colgate 27 – Villanova 20

Teams: Samford vs. Youngstown State (Montgomery, AL)
Time (TV): 3:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 2
Cheer For: Youngstown State

In case you didn’t notice, this game is being played in Montgomery, Alabama. The Samford University campus is in Homewood, Alabama, which means that even FCS schools in the state of Alabama won’t travel more than two hours for neutral-site games. Generally, when somebody from Youngstown travels to Alabama, they have to steal at least two cars along the way. So if you’re going to be traveling southbound on I-75 tomorrow, don’t leave the keys in your car when you take a bathroom break at a rest stop. In terms of the on-field action, not a lot of people know this, but Samford and Youngstown State have played every year since 1884 except for 1884, 1885 1886, 1887, 1888, 1889, 1890, 1891, 1892, 1893, 1894, 1895, 1896, 1897, 1898, 1899, 1900, 1901, 1902, 1903, 1904, 1905, 1906, 1907, 1908, 1909, 1910, 1911, 1912, 1913, 1914, 1915, 1916, 1917, 1918, 1919, 1920, 1921, 1922, 1923, 1924, 1925, 1926, 1927, 1928, 1929, 1930, 1931, 1932, 1933, 1934, 1935, 1936, 1937, 1938, 1939, 1940, 1941, 1942, 1943, 1944, 1945, 1946, 1947, 1948, 1949, 1950, 1951, 1952, 1953, 1954, 1955, 1956, 1957, 1958, 1959, 1960, 1961, 1962, 1963, 1964, 1965, 1966, 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1974, 1975, 1976, 1977, 1978, 1979, 1980, 1981, 1982, 1983, 1984, 1985, 1986, 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990, 1992, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2017, and 2018. Youngstown State leads the all-time rivalry with a 4-0 mark. Samford players grew up hearing their entire lives about how they have never beaten Youngstown State; how their grandfathers never beat Youngstown State; how their great-grandfathers never beat Youngstown State. So it goes without saying that Samford wants this one in the worst way — which also happens to be the only way you can get something in Montgomery, Alabama.

Samford 28 – Youngstown State 24

Teams: Miami vs. #8 Florida (Orlando, FL)
Time (TV): 7:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: Miami

Florida is favored by seven points in this one. I spoke with an NFL scout who has seen both teams and he told me he doesn’t think this game will be close. I am expecting a bit of a slogfest. No, not a slugfest. Florida’s defense is going to hamper Miami’s offense, and Florida’s offense is going to hamper Florida’s offense. The first team to 17 will win, but it may take two games to get there. This is the marquee game of the week in the state of Florida, which is why it is being held in Camping World Stadium. And when I think of Florida and Miami, I think of camping. Specifically, I think of being kidnapped by bath-salt-crazed alligator poachers who live in tents in the swamps. I don’t know if that’s really camping, though. I think they just call that “living.” After speaking with many people connected to both schools about this game, they assured me that if I ever did get kidnapped by gator poachers, I’d die from snake bite or some type of flesh-eating swamp bacteria long before the poachers would murder me, so that’s reassuring. It’s amazing what people around these programs know about the prospects of impending soom. I hope Tate Martell gets to play. I’m looking forward to watching him. You should be rooting for Miami because poaching gators is wrong, unless it’s done on the football field.

Florida 24 – Miami 13

Teams: Arizona at Hawaii
Time (TV): 10:30 pm (CBSSN)
Interest: 4
Cheer For: Hawaii

If you have made it through the first three games of the day, then you will be rewarded with what could be the most exciting game of the night. You are rooting for Hawaii because when you were a kid and you asked your mother why your dad didn’t live with you, she’d point at the television and say, “Because your daddy is on TV.” And you’d say, “Magnum PI is my dad?” And she’d belch a bit from her Seagrams and Vernor’s, wipe away the spaghetti sauce from her brow, and say, “Yep.” So from that point on, you were hooked on Thomas Magnum. You even became a Detroit Tigers fan. You told your classmates that Magnum PI was your dad and some believed you because you did wear a lot of Hawaiian shirts. It also didn’t hurt that you had a full mustache by the time you were 11. Eventually, however, people began to doubt you and make fun of you because Magnum never came to any of your Little League games and you were super scared of Dobermans. You even almost began to doubt your mother’s story. You never confronted her, however, because you knew in your heart that Magnum PI was your dad and your mother could never fabricate that kind of long-term falsehood involving you or your brother Kojak, Jr.

Arizona 49 – Hawaii 38