Football

The Tip Sheet: Paul Bunyan’s Monorail to Nowhere

Tip Sheet college football

For the second week in a row, Buckeye fans get to watch Saturday football completely free of concern or fret.

This week, however, it’s because Ohio State is playing on a Friday night.

Some have said this isn’t a great week of games, but there are still games for you to pay attention to that can have an impact on Ohio State’s season.

Plus, you’ll get to watch Michigan deal with a Penn State ‘White Out’ for a change.

For that reason alone, you should be looking forward to this weekend.

Friday October 18

Teams: #4 Ohio State (6-0, 3-0) at Northwestern (1-4, 0-3)
Time (TV): 8:30 pm (BTN)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Ohio State

You’re cheering for Ohio State here because when you were in high school you applied to Northwestern and they sent you back a piece of mail and inside it was one of those greeting cards that plays sound and when you opened it, it was just people laughing. You waited a few weeks and then called the admissions office to see if you had been accepted or not because you “hadn’t heard anything official.” After asking for your name, they looked you up in the system, put you on hold, and you’ve been sitting there ever since. Northwestern’s offense is one of the worst in the nation. Ohio State’s defense is one of the best. This is basically the Coke and Mentos of combinations for the Wildcats.

Ohio State 35 – Northwestern 0


Saturday October 19

Teams: #3 Clemson (6-0, 4-0) at Louisville (4-2, 2-1)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ABC)
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: Louisville

This one might get sneaky. Louisville is coming off of a 62-59 win over a ranked Wake Forest team, but Clemson is coming off of a dismantling of Florida State. The Cardinals have a bit of a quarterback quandary as they had two play very well last week. Both can run, so it may not change Clemson’s approach much. Was the stumble against North Carolina a few weeks ago the wakeup call this team needed, or are they still bound to slip up in a conference game like they usually do (save for last year)? We’ll have this one on the radio for a bit on the way back from Chicago.

Clemson 42 – Louisville 24


Teams: West Virginia (3-3, 1-2) at #5 Oklahoma (6-0, 3-0)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (FOX)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: West Virginia

Remember Austin Kendall, the Oklahoma quarterback who called Ohio State’s 2016 defense “basic?” Well, he’s starting for West Virginia in this game and I bet he doesn’t have the guts to call Ohio State’s defense basic this year! Oh, yeah, he’s also facing his former team and it probably isn’t going to go well.

Oklahoma 52 – West Virginia 24


Teams: #6 Wisconsin (6-0, 3-0) at Illinois (2-4, 0-3)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (BTN)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Wisconsin

There is a pretty good chance that Wisconsin will be overlooking Illinois with Ohio State on the horizon next week, which means the Illini might score in this one. The Badgers have pitched four shutouts in six games this season. There is no reason to think this won’t be number five, other than the fact that five shutouts in a season is something that Wisconsin hasn’t done since 1930.

Wisconsin 41 – Illinois 7


Teams: #9 Florida (6-1, 3-1) at South Carolina (3-3, 2-2)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: South Carolina

Don’t you want to live in a world where South Carolina single-handedly eliminates the SEC East from the College Football Playoffs? The Gators are only a 5-point favorite, which makes some sense given the Gamecocks win at Georgia last week. Still, beating Georgia and Florida back to back is something South Carolina has never done, so it would be a memorable accomplishment. You know Will Muschamp wants the win, which means you also know it isn’t going to happen. The Gators have better quarterback play with Kyle Trask than Georgia does with Jake Fromm. Yeah, I said it.

Florida 27 – South Carolina 23


Teams: #11 Auburn (5-1, 2-1) at Arkansas (2-4, 0-3)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (SECN)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Arkansas

These two teams play for Paul Bunyan’s Britches, which is the worst of the Bunyan Brand™ trophies. The sad thing is the two schools claim the pants have been authenticated to have actually belonged to Bunyan. Coincidentally, they were authenticated by the same man who convinced the two schools to pay for a monorail system that stretches from one campus to the other.

Auburn 28 – Arkansas 10


Teams: Purdue (2-4, 1-2) at #23 Iowa (4-2, 1-2)
Time (TV): 12:00 pm (ESPN2)
Interest: 3
Cheer For: Iowa

Purdue beat Iowa last year, so the Hawkeyes will be looking for revenge. Fortunately for the Boilers, Iowa will be looking for revenge on the football field, as opposed to the normal way Iowans seek revenge on each other — by putting super glue in the finger holes of their enemies’ bowling balls. Redshirt freshman quarterback Jack Plummer had a high time in last week’s 40-14 win over Maryland by throwing for 420 yards on 33-of-41 attempts. Rondale Moore is still out, but Purdue has something going right now to at least force Iowa to show up and play their ‘B’ game.

Iowa 28 – Purdue 20


Teams: #2 LSU (6-0, 2-0) at Mississippi State (3-3, 1-2)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (CBS)
Interest: 2.5
Cheer For: Mississippi State

Louisiana State is rolling through the SEC like Missouri or Texas A&M when they joined the conference and caught everybody off guard with the forward pass. Then Nick Saban caught on with what they were doing and decided to do it too and ended everybody’s fun. Like when you were in high school and your dad won the school’s lip sync contest that he wasn’t even eligible to compete in, but he did such an awesome job on Red Sovine’s ‘Teddy Bear’ that they just couldn’t deny him. Of course, from that day on everybody started calling you “Teddy Bear” and you grew to resent your father. Not because of the nickname but because you guys had worked so hard on ‘Islands in the Stream.’

LSU 38 – Mississippi State 24


Teams: #12 Oregon (5-1, 3-0) at #25 Washington (5-2, 2-2)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (ABC)
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: Washington

Remember Oregon? Well they’re back. After a season-opening loss to Auburn, the Ducks have beaten five bad teams in a row. They have some momentum, but Washington will be the best team they’ve seen since Auburn. There is a school of thought here that you should root for Oregon in order to get them into the playoffs, thereby keeping a second SEC team out. If you’re looking for an easier win for the Buckeyes, maybe the Ducks should become your second team this year.

Washington 31 – Oregon 28


Teams: Temple (5-1, 2-0) at #19 SMU (6-0, 2-0)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (ESPN2)
Interest:
Cheer For:

The AAC isn’t going to let Temple wreck a second undefeated American Conference team in the span of two weeks. They have to keep their New Year’s Six bowl chances alive. The conference can’t afford to lose that cash. I’m not calling the AAC crooked, I’m calling them financially aware. Temple doesn’t really score a bunch of points, but that hasn’t stopped teams from scoring on SMU this season. They are allowing 27 points per game. I don’t know if this will be a shootout, but it should still be a nailbiter.

SMU 31 – Temple 28


Teams: #20 Minnesota (6-0, 3-0) at Rutgers (1-5, 0-4)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (BTN)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Minnesota

Minnesota may run for 400 yards on Rutgers because they “haven’t been there before,” so they don’t know how to act like they have. If the Gophers and Nittany Lions win their next two games — which they should, then in three weeks it will be undefeated Minnesota hosting undefeated Penn State. Just like we all predicted!

Minnesota 42 – Rutgers 17


Teams: Indiana (4-2, 1-2) at Maryland (3-3, 1-2)
Time (TV): 3:30 pm (BTN)
Interest: 2.5
Cheer For: Indiana

Holy crap, Indiana is 4-2! They will probably need this game if they are going to qualify for a bowl, however. Next week they are at Nebraska, then host Northwestern, then have an off week before losing at Penn State, beating Michigan, and then losing the Old Oaken Buckeye to Purdue. Maryland needs this one because — as a member of the Big Ten — you aren’t supposed to lose to Indiana at home. The Hoosiers are favored by 5.5 points. That’s crazy. Vegas must know something. Surely more than I know.

Indiana 31 – Maryland 25.5


Teams: #18 Baylor (6-0, 3-0) at Oklahoma State (4-2, 1-2)
Time (TV): 4:00 pm (FOX)
Interest: 3.5
Cheer For: Oklahoma State

Baylor held on last week for a 33-30 win at home against Texas Tech, which was their third win this season by one possession. The Pokes, meanwhile, had the week off following a 45-35 loss at Texas Tech. So, by using the transitive property and throwing in the three-point home-field advantage, I’m not sure what that ends up making this game because I’m about six beers into this Tip Sheet. Oklahoma State is favored by four.

Oklahoma State 37 – Baylor 34 (OT)


Teams: Kentucky (3-3, 1-3) at #10 Georgia (5-1, 2-1)
Time (TV): 6:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 1
Cheer For: Kentucky

You are a Kentucky fan this week, which means you’re actually just an SEC fan and you’ll be rooting for Alabama and LSU and probably even Georgia.

Georgia 38 – Kentucky 17


Teams: #17 Arizona State (5-1, 2-1) at #13 Utah (5-1, 2-1)
Time (TV): 6:00 pm (P12N)
Interest: 2.5
Cheer For: Arizona State

In The-Ozone house, we cheer for Arizona State. Utah is favored by 13.5 points, which seems like a lot. All Arizona State does is make life miserable for their opponents. They’re the football version of paperwork. “Just need you to sign this, initial here, sign and date this part, initial this, sign here…” And then before you know it, they’re up 21-17 with four minutes left in the fourth quarter and then they tell you they want everything in triplicate!

Utah 31 – Arizona State 24


Teams: #16 Michigan (5-1, 3-1) at #7 Penn State (6-0, 3-0)
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (ABC)
Interest: 5
Cheer For: Penn State

You are rooting for Penn State because you want them ranked as highly as possible when they come to Columbus. I fully expect this environment (and Penn State’s defense) to be too much for Michigan quarterback Shea Patterson. I don’t see the Wolverines running the ball that much. I think the Michigan defense will give the Nittany Lions trouble, but the Penn State offense has more explosion than the Michigan offense. This may be a four-quarter game, but I don’t know that it will ever feel like the Nittany Lions aren’t in complete control.

Penn State 27 – Michigan 17


Teams: Florida State (3-3, 2-2) at Wake Forest (5-1, 1-1)
Time (TV): 7:30 pm (ACCN)
Interest: 1.5
Cheer For: Florida State

You are cheering for Florida State, but admittedly you feel bad for rooting against Wake Forest in this game. Afterwards, you’ll write a letter of apology to the president of Wake Forest. His secretary will see the letter, wonder why the names and addresses on the envelope were written in what appears to be blood, then call the police. The authorities will eventually knock on your door and be like, “Man, how can you root against Wake Forest in this game?” And you’ll say, “Because the Tip Sheet…” The officers will cut you off, “Say no more,” and then cuff you for your own safety and take you downtown. On the way to the station you’ll beg and plead for them to let you go because you’re “waiting for a call from Northwestern’s admissions department!”

Florida State 31 – Wake Forest 30


Teams: Tennessee (2-4, 1-2) at #1 Alabama (6-0, 3-0)
Time (TV): 9:00 pm (ESPN)
Interest: 2
Cheer For: Tennessee

You’re cheering for Tennessee, which means you are dipping some Copenhagen right now and berating your neighbor and telling your cousin Smudgie that she can’t have your last Mountain Dew no matter how many times she asks. “Dammit Smudgie,” you yell, “drink the Pepsi like the baby does.”

Alabama 48 – Tennessee 27


Teams: #14 Boise State (6-0) at BYU (2-4)
Time (TV): 10:15 pm (ESPN2)
Interest: 2.5
Cheer For: BYU

You don’t really need to cheer against Boise State. Group of Five teams aren’t eligible for the playoffs. They sure clamored for a playoff a decade ago thinking it would work though. BYU comes into this game having lost three in a row, but they do have wins over Tennessee and USC, which means something to people who have lived in bunkers since 2006.

Boise State 35 – BYU 20

3 Responses

  1. One of the greatest titles ever. Tony you should be getting paid a lot for your sports writing. How do you do this every week?

  2. Well, sir, there’s nothin’ on Earth like a genuine bona-fide electrified six-car monorail! What’d I say?

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