Football

OBITUARY — RIP College Football’s ‘Game Control’

Ohio State University Campus Autumn Columbus

Game Control, 6 years old, an enigmatic college football metric used to determine perceived superiority, passed away on Tuesday, November 5 after five valiant years of proving opinions correct without actually proving anything.

Game Control was born October 28, 2014 with the release of the first-ever College Football Playoff rankings and came into prominence shortly thereafter as college football experts, analysts, media, and committee members cited it when attempting to justify how people felt about teams from the SEC.

Game Control was a devoted unit of measure, a tremendous poker player, and pretty much all things to all people.

The Alabama football program and Game Control were as intrinsically tied together as dogs and fleas. It was Game Control touting the Tide and leading the charge over the years when wins and strengths of schedules weren’t enough.

That’s when Game Control was at its best. Called “The Winston Wolfe of college football debate” by those who needed him most, Game Control could fix any SEC argument at any time and will be terribly missed by all.

This was a sudden and terrible loss. In fact, nobody knew anything was wrong until Game Control failed to appear during ESPN’s initial College Football Playoff rankings this week. There was also no focus on Game Control during the broadcast, which was incredibly strange given its prominence in the past.

Game Control was scheduled to be on the show to let people know that not only was Ohio State ranked No. 1 by the committee, but also by Game Control itself. After years of touting the SEC, Game Control was about to prop up the Buckeyes.

When Game Control never showed, people were immediately concerned and went looking for it. Sadly, they found what they were looking for, as Game Control was found at home, dead on the kitchen floor with a knife still in its back.

A note written on ESPN letterhead next to the body read, “It’s not you, it’s us.”

There will be no services for Game Control because there is a pretty good chance it will rise from the dead to come to the defense of this weekend’s winner between LSU and Alabama.

Strength of Schedule, who was also supposed to be on the show to tout Ohio State’s top ranking among the top nine teams, is also missing. If anybody out there has any information on Strength of Schedule’s whereabouts, please alert your local authorities.

Game Control is survived by its drunken cousin, Eye Test.

8 Responses

  1. Hilarious! Best thing I’ve read in a long time.
    Thanks for making me laugh. ?

  2. great funny article but sadly true… the hypocrisy of espn with the sec is very telling

  3. Tony, you are a master of both wordsmithing and sarcasm. A delightful and witty read. You are a true journalistic gem. Glad to have you on our side.

    Game control is a metric for how dominant a team is on both sides of the ball in controlling all aspects of the game: tempo, time, momentum and outcome. Your Buckeyes this year are doing this at a level not seen previously in OSU history or of recent history in college football. Appreciate it while it lasts.
    The point is that the two metrics that validate OSU as the best team (game control and strength of schedule) were curiously left out of the discussion after having been heavily replied upon in prior years to validate SEC teams superiority. This would suggest a double standard that Tony has humorously shredded by making it read as an obituary. The drunken surviving cousin “eye test” made me laugh and think of Rece Davis – Big 10 hater extraordinaire

    1. Buckeyedad- it’s funny and sad at the same time, that you had to explain to some readers. Tony is correct, those “vital” metrics are apparently vital only when serving a specific agenda (right, Kirky ?) Unreal. We’ll see if they rear their ugly heads again when they might be useful to certain teams’ chances.

  4. Okay. . .so I read that and I still have no idea what you’re talking about and what Game Control is/was.

    I realize it’s tongue in cheek, but I follow college football and I’m still not familiar with the term “Game Control” and how it favors Alabama and why Ohio State at #1 means it’s dead.

    I like heavy sarcasm, but I’m not seeing it on this one.

    1. I’m confused, too. Are you so new to the game that you’ve never heard the term “game control”? If so, that’s cool. Google it.

      The fact is, the committee ranked us #1 *because* of it – but they never mentioned it.

      The same with “eye test”.

      They will bring it up again later.

      GREAT write, Gerd!!

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